SNL Transcripts: Mick Jagger: 05/19/12: Mick Jagger’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger’s Monologue

…..Mick Jagger

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mick Jagger!

Mick Jagger: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! THank you! It’s wonderful — it’s wonderful — it’s so wonderful to be here! Hosting “Saturday Night Live”! And you’re about to see me do what I do best — stand still and talk. You know, for a long time I’ve been Mick Jagger. You know? And because of that, I’ve met people from all over the world. And they always ask me the same questions. So tonight, I figured I would use the Monologue to answer all those Mick Jagger Frequently Asked Questions. So let’s begin!

The first one is, I’m always asked: “Hey, Mick… who’s your FAVORITE Rolling Stone?” Well… [ he shrugs and smiles ] I mean, that depends. If I’m allowed to pick myself, then I’d say the favorite is obviously… ME! [ the audience cheers ] But, you know, if I’m not allowed to pick myself, then I’d have to say: ] coyly ] “I don’t believe in playing favorites!”

The next question journalists always ask me, is: “Mick… who’s your favorite new group today?” Well… obviously, I LOVE the Foo Fighters. [ the audience cheers wildly ] And… and I love Arcade Fire. [ the audience cheers wildly ] But you know who really gets me excited these days? It’s the band. They’re my current favorites, anyway.

I’ve also been asked this question before: “Hey, Mick — When you’re onstage at a concert, you ask the crowd… you always ask the crowd: ‘How you doing tonight?’ And the audience would cheer, and then you’ll say: ‘I can’t hear you!'” And they say, “Is that true? Can you not hear us?” Well… I can hear you. It’s just that I’m not listening.

The next question is: “Mick…” You know, I get this one a lot. They say, “Mick, have you finally got Satisfaction?” Yeah. Bravo, it’s very clever. It’s a trick question, though. ‘Cause if I said “No”, then you’d be, like: “What’s your problem, man? I mean, exactly what more do you need?” And if I say “YES!”, then I can’t sing the song any more.

Anyway, people always ask this one: “Mick, do you have any regrets?” Do you want to hear something? A few years ago, I was approached by a newly-created restaurant chain called Ruby Tuesday’s. They aksed me if I would come along to their grand opening and sing the song “Ruby Tuesday” for a thousand dollars and a lifetime supply of their Jalapeno Poppers. I passed up on that offer! And, you know, not a day goes by that I DON’T REGRET THAT!! [ the audience laughs and cheers wildly ] Thank you! Other than that, though, no regrets at all.

So, are you ready for a great show?! [ the audience cheers wildly ] I CAN’T HEAR YOU!! [ the audience cheers more wildly ] That’s okay! WE’ve got a GREAT show for you tonight! I’m, uh… [ he squints at the cue cards ] Mick Jagger… and… don’t you DARE change the channel!

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