Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 1
Eastwood and Chair
Clint Eastwood…..Bill HaderAudience Member #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #3…..Tim Robinson
Audience Member #4…..Jay Pharoah
Audience Member #5…..Taran Killam
Announcer: Do you love cutting edge political satire? Do you like to laugh — AND think?[ cut to silhoette ]
Announcer: Then you absolutely CAN’T miss… [ the silhoette lights up, revealing… ] Clint Eastwood! [ Eastwood snarls ] …and Chair! [ reveal a chair ] [ cut to performance footage ]
Announcer: The comedy duo that ROCKED the Republican Convention is thaking their act on the road! [ reveal Eastwood with whoopie cushion on chair ] It’s two full hours of high-wasted hijinx![ cut to Eastwood arguing with the chair ]
Clint Eastwood: What do you mean, “Shut up”? Why don’t YOU shut up?! [ he laughs ] You want me to do what to myself? I don’t think so, Bub! [ he laughs ] what?! No, no, you — no, YOU go first! no, no, no — YOU go first! Jinx!
Announcer: No script! No set tour dates! No predetermined theaters! Just American legend Clint Eastwood performing one half of a conversation with an invisible, irritated, and foul-mouthed Barack Obama. It’s the show audiences are giving a sitting ovation.[ Eastwood pretends to sit on the invisible Obama ] [ cut to Audience Member #1 ]
Audience Member #1: Oh, my god, I loved it ALL! Even the middle 45 minutes when it was JUST the chair on stage, while Clint stood in the back and ate a whole rotisserie chicken![ cut to Audience Members #2 and #3 ]
Audience Members #2 and #3: We give it… TWO PANTS UP!!
Audience Member #4: Man… what the fuck is that?![ cut to Eastwood initiating a wave with the chair ]
Announcer: And Obama isn’t the only politician in the Hot Seat! Don’t miss Clint taking it to Jimmy Carter!
Clint Eastwood: Nice work on those hostages! That turned out GREAT!
Announcer: Mayor Michael Bloomberg!
Clint Eastwood: Just let people eat soda!!
Announcer: And Chris Christie.
Clint Eastwood: I think we’re gonna need a bigger chair! [ he laughs ]
Announcer: And, of course — there’s the music.
Clint Eastwood: [ singing ] “You say potato…” [ he holds the microphone over the chair ] “Potato!” [ he holds the microphone over the chair ] “Potato! Let’s call the whole thing off!” Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Jon Voight! [ a desk chaier rolls forward ]
Announcer: It’s “Eastwood and Chair”![ cut to Audience Member #5 ]
Audience Member #5: Whoop! Chair it is!