SNL Transcripts: Seth MacFarlane: 09/15/12: Eastwood and Chair


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 1

12a: Seth MacFarlane / Frank Ocean

Eastwood and Chair

Clint Eastwood…..Bill HaderAudience Member #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #3…..Tim Robinson
Audience Member #4…..Jay Pharoah
Audience Member #5…..Taran Killam

[ open on footage of audiences laughing ]

Announcer: Do you love cutting edge political satire? Do you like to laugh — AND think?

[ cut to silhoette ]

Announcer: Then you absolutely CAN’T miss… [ the silhoette lights up, revealing… ] Clint Eastwood! [ Eastwood snarls ] …and Chair! [ reveal a chair ] [ cut to performance footage ]

Announcer: The comedy duo that ROCKED the Republican Convention is thaking their act on the road! [ reveal Eastwood with whoopie cushion on chair ] It’s two full hours of high-wasted hijinx!

[ cut to Eastwood arguing with the chair ]

Clint Eastwood: What do you mean, “Shut up”? Why don’t YOU shut up?! [ he laughs ] You want me to do what to myself? I don’t think so, Bub! [ he laughs ] what?! No, no, you — no, YOU go first! no, no, no — YOU go first! Jinx!

[ cut to Eastwood throwing juggling pins at the chair ]

Announcer: No script! No set tour dates! No predetermined theaters! Just American legend Clint Eastwood performing one half of a conversation with an invisible, irritated, and foul-mouthed Barack Obama. It’s the show audiences are giving a sitting ovation.

[ Eastwood pretends to sit on the invisible Obama ] [ cut to Audience Member #1 ]

Audience Member #1: Oh, my god, I loved it ALL! Even the middle 45 minutes when it was JUST the chair on stage, while Clint stood in the back and ate a whole rotisserie chicken!

[ cut to Audience Members #2 and #3 ]

Audience Members #2 and #3: We give it… TWO PANTS UP!!

[ cut to Audience Member #4 ]

Audience Member #4: Man… what the fuck is that?!

[ cut to Eastwood initiating a wave with the chair ]

Announcer: And Obama isn’t the only politician in the Hot Seat! Don’t miss Clint taking it to Jimmy Carter!

Clint Eastwood: Nice work on those hostages! That turned out GREAT!

Announcer: Mayor Michael Bloomberg!

Clint Eastwood: Just let people eat soda!!

Announcer: And Chris Christie.

Clint Eastwood: I think we’re gonna need a bigger chair! [ he laughs ]

Announcer: And, of course — there’s the music.

Clint Eastwood: [ singing ] “You say potato…” [ he holds the microphone over the chair ] “Potato!” [ he holds the microphone over the chair ] “Potato! Let’s call the whole thing off!” Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Jon Voight! [ a desk chaier rolls forward ]

Announcer: It’s “Eastwood and Chair”!

[ cut to Audience Member #5 ]

Audience Member #5: Whoop! Chair it is!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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