Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 1
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Paul Ryan…..Taran Killsm
[ open on Democratic Rally — Toledo, Ohio ]
Aide: …So, this November, we the people of Ohio are going to go to the polls and we’re going to move this country forward. Now, it is my distinct honor to introduce the President of the United States — hey, I wouldn’t want his job, huh! [ he chuckles ] Ladies and gentlemen — Barack Obama![ President Barack Obama steps out, shakes hands with his aide, then takes the podium ]
President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It’s so great to be back here in Ohio. And, before we start — Sasha, Malia, go to bed. I do that to remind you that I have two adorable young daughters… and not five creepy adult sons. [ he scans the room ] Well, Election Day is near, and things arent great. Uhhh… the economys in the tank… uhhh… the job markets horrible… uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and now even my foreign policy is under attack. But there is something I want you to know: Im not worried! Not in the least. Should be. Uhhhh… Seems like I would be, but, uh, Im not. And I’ll tell you why. Our campaign has a secret weapon. And that secret weapon is speaking right now in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Let’s take a look.[ cut to Mitt Romney at a separate campaign rally ]
Mitt Romney: Hello, I’m Mitt Romney. And I understand the hardships facing ordinary Americans. For example, this summer one of my horses failed to medal at the Olympics. So I know hardship!
President Barack Obama: Isn’t he great? Now, I know I’m not perfect. Uhhh… I’m distant. Uhhh… I’m aloof. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh… I’m overconfident. But… wouldn’t you be overconfident if your only competition Was this?[ cut back to Romney ]
Mitt Romney: Now, let’s be honest, okay? Nobody here wants gay marriage! Alright? Nobody! [ he points into the audience ] Isn’t that right, sir? Oh, you are gay? Oh. So that’s why you’re wearing the beret, I see. Okay. Oh, you’re in the Army? Well… thank you for your service — your gay service![ return to Obama ]
President Barack Obama: He makes me laugh! And it’s nice to have something to laugh about right now, because people are out of work. They’re living with their parents, collecting junk. It’s like we got a “Sanford & Son” economy. [ he begins to sing the “Sanford & Son” theme ] You remember that? It’s THAT bad! But, hey — at least I’m being honest! Speaking of which… let’s check in on Paul Ryan![ cut to Paul Ryan at a separate campaign rally ]
Paul Ryan: I said I could do 100 sit-ups in five seconds. What I meant was… I could do five sit-ups eventually. Dont worry, that doesnt make me a liar. Im just terrible with numbers. Now lets talk budget![ return to Obama ]
President Barack Obama: [ he rubs lint off his shoulder ] That’s incredible! So, America, I know youre not in love with me any more. But I want you to know that my heart still beats for you. And I can prove it. [ singing ] Uhhhh, I… I’m so in love with you!” That was fun, right? So… do you want that… orrrr this?[ cut back to Romney ]
Mitt Romney: [ singing ] “E-I-E-I-O!” [ he laughs heartily ] Hey, how about that? That’s called “Old MacDonald Had A Farm”. Pretty groovy song, huh? I’m sorry I didn’t know all the animal noises. Hey, speaking of music, huh — [ glances down at black man ] Hey, speaking of music — this guy right here looks like a young Lou Rawls! Huh? See this gentlemen right here? [ he leans down ] “Who’s Lou Rawls?” Why, he’s, uh, an African-American who looks just like you! I mean… no, not that I mean… hey! High Five! [ he raises his hand over the man’s head ] Oh. Oh, you don’t have arms. Okay. [ he taps the man’s head ] There you go!
President Barack Obama: The man is a Christmas miracle! So, theres your choice, America. Stick with whats been barely working… or take your chances with that. So, go to the debates, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”