SNL Transcripts: Seth MacFarlane: 09/15/12: Democratic Rally



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 1









12a: Seth MacFarlane / Frank Ocean

Democratic Rally

Aide…..Fred Armisen
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Paul Ryan…..Taran Killsm

[ open on Democratic Rally — Toledo, Ohio ]

Aide: …So, this November, we the people of Ohio are going to go to the polls and we’re going to move this country forward. Now, it is my distinct honor to introduce the President of the United States — hey, I wouldn’t want his job, huh! [ he chuckles ] Ladies and gentlemen — Barack Obama!

[ President Barack Obama steps out, shakes hands with his aide, then takes the podium ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It’s so great to be back here in Ohio. And, before we start — Sasha, Malia, go to bed. I do that to remind you that I have two adorable young daughters… and not five creepy adult sons. [ he scans the room ] Well, Election Day is near, and things aren’t great. Uhhh… the economy’s in the tank… uhhh… the job market’s horrible… uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and now even my foreign policy is under attack. But there is something I want you to know: I’m not worried! Not in the least. Should be. Uhhhh… Seems like I would be, but, uh, I’m not. And I’ll tell you why. Our campaign has a secret weapon. And that secret weapon is speaking right now in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to Mitt Romney at a separate campaign rally ]

Mitt Romney: Hello, I’m Mitt Romney. And I understand the hardships facing ordinary Americans. For example, this summer one of my horses failed to medal at the Olympics. So I know hardship!

[ return to Obama ]

President Barack Obama: Isn’t he great? Now, I know I’m not perfect. Uhhh… I’m distant. Uhhh… I’m aloof. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh… I’m overconfident. But… wouldn’t you be overconfident if your only competition Was this?

[ cut back to Romney ]

Mitt Romney: Now, let’s be honest, okay? Nobody here wants gay marriage! Alright? Nobody! [ he points into the audience ] Isn’t that right, sir? Oh, you are gay? Oh. So that’s why you’re wearing the beret, I see. Okay. Oh, you’re in the Army? Well… thank you for your service — your gay service!

[ return to Obama ]

President Barack Obama: He makes me laugh! And it’s nice to have something to laugh about right now, because people are out of work. They’re living with their parents, collecting junk. It’s like we got a “Sanford & Son” economy. [ he begins to sing the “Sanford & Son” theme ] You remember that? It’s THAT bad! But, hey — at least I’m being honest! Speaking of which… let’s check in on Paul Ryan!

[ cut to Paul Ryan at a separate campaign rally ]

Paul Ryan: I said I could do 100 sit-ups in five seconds. What I meant was… I could do five sit-ups eventually. Don’t worry, that doesn’t make me a liar. I’m just terrible with numbers. Now let’s talk budget!

[ return to Obama ]

President Barack Obama: [ he rubs lint off his shoulder ] That’s incredible! So, America, I know you’re not in love with me any more. But I want you to know that my heart still beats for you. And I can prove it. [ singing ] Uhhhh, I… I’m so in love with you!” That was fun, right? So… do you want that… orrrr this?

[ cut back to Romney ]

Mitt Romney: [ singing ] “E-I-E-I-O!” [ he laughs heartily ] Hey, how about that? That’s called “Old MacDonald Had A Farm”. Pretty groovy song, huh? I’m sorry I didn’t know all the animal noises. Hey, speaking of music, huh — [ glances down at black man ] Hey, speaking of music — this guy right here looks like a young Lou Rawls! Huh? See this gentlemen right here? [ he leans down ] “Who’s Lou Rawls?” Why, he’s, uh, an African-American who looks just like you! I mean… no, not that I mean… hey! High Five! [ he raises his hand over the man’s head ] Oh. Oh, you don’t have arms. Okay. [ he taps the man’s head ] There you go!

[ return to Obama ]

President Barack Obama: The man is a Christmas miracle! So, there’s your choice, America. Stick with what’s been barely working… or take your chances with that. So, go to the debates, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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