Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 1
Introduction to Puppetry
Instructor/Gooby the Puppet…..Seth MacFarlane
Jeff/Ranger Robby the Puppet…..Kenan Thompson
Bonnie/Nikki the Puppet…..Vanessa Bayer
Anthony Peter Coleman/Tony the Puppet…..Bill Hader
(A arts classroom. The instructor, with a goofy-looking blue puppet on his arm, welcomes back his class, comprised of two friendly looking students and Anthony, a sullen middle-aged man with long hair, sunglasses and an army jacket.)
Instructor: Hello everyone and welcome back to “Introduction to Puppetry!” We had a fun morning making our puppets, now let’s see if we can bring them to life, alright? (Referencing his puppet) I’m going to call this guy here “Gooby!” Alright, let’s try and figure out what Gooby’s voice sounds like. Like maybe he’s a little dopey (As Gooby, In a dopey voice) I’m not dopey you’re dopey! (Mock outraged) Hey! (As Gooby, now with a french accent) Maybe I am from Quebec zo I zound like zis, no? (As himself) Okay, that’s really fun. (The two students nod happily. Anthony does not.) The point is, try and find a voice that you connect with. Alright, so why don’t you introduce yourselves again, and let’s meet your puppets!
Jeff: Okay (holds up his puppet, who is dressed as a forest ranger) Hi, I’m Jeff (as his puppet, in a goofy voice): and Howdy! I’m Ranger Robby! (He immediately drops the character) You know what, can I change that? I already want to change it.
Instructor: That’s fine, we’re just feeling things out. How about you?
Bonnie: Hi, I’m Bonnie (as her puppet, a blonde valley girl type) And I’m Nikki, and I’m like totally into shopping, like shop to you drop, Da da da dada daaaaa! Charge it!
(She laughs at her own joke, as does the Instructor.)
Instructor: (A bit forced) Hahaha, that’s fun, Nikki. And you?
Anthony: (with a deep, gravelly voice and a thousand-yard stare.) My name is Anthony Peter Coleman, formerly Private first class, United States Army. Dishonorable discharge, May 19th, 1983.
Instructor: Okay and Anthony, what is your Puppet’s name.
(Anthony holds up his puppet, an exact duplicate of himself.)
Instructor: And can we hear a little bit about Tony?
(Anthony glances at his puppet, seemingly conferring with it.)
Anthony: (To the Puppet) Go ahead. Tell ’em what happened. (As his Puppet, but with the exact same voice and demeanor) There was a rebel village five clicks down the road. Word came down from top brass: make it disappear. We…we didn’t know any better. We were…we were kids. I watched myself pick up the flamethrower…I just…went…off. (Tony the Puppet begins trembling and reveals he has a cigarette in his hand.)
Instructor: Well, let’s not get too deep into our backstories just yet. Like…like maybe start with some fun, silly facts like (As Gooby, in a silly voice) I have a sweet tooth! (As himself) What about you, Ranger?
Jeff: (As Ranger Robby, in a whinny nasal voice) Well, my nose is ticklish! (Again he immediately drops the character) Can I change that? I really want to.
Instructor: You’re fine, absolutely. How about you, Nikki?
Nikki the Puppet: Well, I’m like super into my phone! Texting texting texting! LOL!
(Bonnie Laughs, as do Jeff and the Instructor, when Tony the Puppet slides into frame next to Nikki.)
Tony the Puppet: Nobody was laughing out loud that day in Grenada! But many people were saying OMG. Me, I was saying TTYL to my innocence.
Instructor: You know, let’s just kind of hit the reset button here and give our puppets totally new identities, alright? (As Gooby, now with a thick Brooklyn accent) Like, Maybe I’m a real New Yorker. Pizza! Fuggedaboudit! (As himself) Anthony, do you want to try a completely different character for Tony?
Anthony: (after a moment of thought.) Okay. (As the puppet, with exactly the same flat, monotone delivery he has used the entire sketch.) I like texting. Shop till you drop. Da da da dada da. Charge it.
Instructor: That’s kind of Bonnie’s character, though, isn’t it? You maybe want to try something else?
Anthony: Alright. (As the Puppet, with a gentle southern accent.) I’m Clark, and I like Biscuits and Waffles!
Instructor: That’s great! Tell us more about Clark!
Tony the Puppet: (Back to his normal voice.) He was another grunt in my platoon! Together, we went from house to house, spraying liquid death!
(The puppet takes a long, shaky pull on his cigarette. Smoke emerges from his mouth, to the visible shock of Jeff and Ranger Robby and the obvious discomfort of the instructor.)
Instructor: Uh, Okay. Listen, why don’t we have these guys act out some scenes? Like maybe my guy, maybe he’s a real nerd and he can say:
Gooby the Puppet: (now as a squeaky-voiced nerd) Hey Ranger! Can you tell me where in this forest I can plug in my laptop?
Ranger Robby the Puppet: Right over here!
Tony the Puppet: (Getting in Ranger Robby’s face) You guys are friends. That’s nice. I had a friend in Granada. I called him “Little Tater.” One night he wouldn’t stop screaming. He was going to give away our position. (Grabbing Ranger Robby around the mouth) I covered up his mouth and…choked him out.
(Ranger Robby begins struggling in Tony’s lethal embrace.)
Instructor: Ok, guys! Guys! Guys! Let’s go ahead and break it up. I’m glad you guys are getting it, but please, do not act out any murder scenarios with each other’s puppets. Now, It’s been a while since we’ve heard from Nikki.
Nikki the Puppet: Yeah guys! I’m, like, right here. Doesn’t, like, anyone see me?
Tony the Puppet (Uncomfortably close to Nikki) I clocked you the minute I walked in the door. You look like this one hooker in Grenada.
Nikki the Puppet: You’re like, intense!
Tony the Puppet: Is that what you like, Daddy’s girl?
(The Puppets begin kissing. Eventually Anthony pushes Tony out of the way and begins making out with Nikki the Puppet himself, ending up in a three-way make-out session with both puppets.)
Instructor: Ok…see, it looks like they’re having sex. Let’s take five, everyone and when we come back, we’ll talk about perfecting your puppet’s hat!
(the sketch fades out)
Submitted by: Ted Zoldan