SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 09/22/12: Private Eye


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Private Eye

Private Eye Sam Flint…..Bill Hader
Mr. Morelli…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt

[ open on Sam Flint’s office ]

Sam Flint: [ pouring a drink ] Nature’s Little Helper?

Mr. Morelli: Uh — if it’s alright with you, Mr. Flint, I’d rather just get on with it.

Sam Flint: Let me ask you a question, Mr. Morelli — Do you love your wife?

Mr. Morelli: Of course, I do!

Sam Flint: Go home, turn on the ball game, forget you were hired.

Mr. Morelli: No, if something’s going on with Lana, I HAVE to know!

Sam Flint: Alright. Well, it’s your dime. Mr. Morelli… your wife’s cheating on you.

[ music sting ]

Mr. Morelli: How do you know that?

Sam Flint: I’ve been tailing Lana for the last couple of weeks. I’m afraid I have some pretty incriminating pictures.

Mr. Morelli: [ devastated ] I knew it! So STUPID, Clarence! I put my trust in that woman! Alright… let me see the pictures.

Sam Flint: Mr. Morelli, once you see these, you can’t UNsee them.

Mr. Morelli: Are you a P.I., or what?! Now, show me the pictures!!

[ music sting ]

Sam Flint: Remember last week, when your wife was… [ he makes quotes-signs with his fingers ] “visiting her sister”? She lied to you. I followed her to the park. It turns out… she was up to something VERY different! [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of a woman playing tennis ] Did you know your wife plays TENNIS, Mr. Morelli?

Mr. Morelli: [ confused ] Wait… what?

Sam Flint: Do you know she plays it… [ holds up cartoon drawing of a man on a scooter ] with this man?!

Mr. Morelli: Those are cartoons.

Sam Flint: Not cartoons. CARICATURES!

Mr. Morelli: [ confused ] Wait, I don’t understand… did you draw these?

Sam Flint: Guilty as charged! [ he chuckles ] But not as guilty… [ he holds up cartoon drawing on woman and man on scooter together ] as THESE two lovebirds! I should have mentioned this earlier, but, if you see anything you like, these ARE for purchase!

Mr. Morelli: I’m not here to talk about these cartoons! I want to hear more about this guy you saw with my wife!!

Sam Flint: I know. His name is… [ he holds a hand-drawn nameplate ] Kevin. [ music sting ] It’s a little hard to make out, but… it’s safe to say the guy loves dolphins! [ he holds up a bottle ] I suppose you’ll want that drink now?

Mr. Morelli: I don’t want no damn drink!

Sam Flint: Well, when you do, it’s five bucks.

Mr. Morelli: You are the lousiest detective I’ve ever seen! You can’t even take a photograph? Instead, you’re showing me doodles of tennis and bike rides? That don’t PROVE she cheated on me!

Sam Flint: Uh… you’re right. It doesn’t. But… THIS does. [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of himself in bed with the couple ] That’s your wife, that’s Kevin, and that’s me.

Mr. Morelli: Wha… why would you do that?

Sam Flint: I had to see how far they would take it.

Mr. Morelli: You’re a MONSTER!!

Sam Flint: I’m not the monster! [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of a monster ] THAT’S a monster! [ proudly ] I call ihm “Feebles”! I’m trying to get a little Sunday strip. Tough racket! No one wants anything original these days.

Mr. Morelli: This is INSANITY!!

Sam Flint: It’s not insanity! It’s Little Armenia!

[ cut to exterior, Little Armenia neighborhood ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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