SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 09/22/12: Private Eye

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Private Eye

Private Eye Sam Flint…..Bill Hader
Mr. Morelli…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt

[ open on Sam Flint’s office ]

Sam Flint: [ pouring a drink ] Nature’s Little Helper?

Mr. Morelli: Uh — if it’s alright with you, Mr. Flint, I’d rather just get on with it.

Sam Flint: Let me ask you a question, Mr. Morelli — Do you love your wife?

Mr. Morelli: Of course, I do!

Sam Flint: Go home, turn on the ball game, forget you were hired.

Mr. Morelli: No, if something’s going on with Lana, I HAVE to know!

Sam Flint: Alright. Well, it’s your dime. Mr. Morelli… your wife’s cheating on you.

[ music sting ]

Mr. Morelli: How do you know that?

Sam Flint: I’ve been tailing Lana for the last couple of weeks. I’m afraid I have some pretty incriminating pictures.

Mr. Morelli: [ devastated ] I knew it! So STUPID, Clarence! I put my trust in that woman! Alright… let me see the pictures.

Sam Flint: Mr. Morelli, once you see these, you can’t UNsee them.

Mr. Morelli: Are you a P.I., or what?! Now, show me the pictures!!

[ music sting ]

Sam Flint: Remember last week, when your wife was… [ he makes quotes-signs with his fingers ] “visiting her sister”? She lied to you. I followed her to the park. It turns out… she was up to something VERY different! [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of a woman playing tennis ] Did you know your wife plays TENNIS, Mr. Morelli?

Mr. Morelli: [ confused ] Wait… what?

Sam Flint: Do you know she plays it… [ holds up cartoon drawing of a man on a scooter ] with this man?!

Mr. Morelli: Those are cartoons.

Sam Flint: Not cartoons. CARICATURES!

Mr. Morelli: [ confused ] Wait, I don’t understand… did you draw these?

Sam Flint: Guilty as charged! [ he chuckles ] But not as guilty… [ he holds up cartoon drawing on woman and man on scooter together ] as THESE two lovebirds! I should have mentioned this earlier, but, if you see anything you like, these ARE for purchase!

Mr. Morelli: I’m not here to talk about these cartoons! I want to hear more about this guy you saw with my wife!!

Sam Flint: I know. His name is… [ he holds a hand-drawn nameplate ] Kevin. [ music sting ] It’s a little hard to make out, but… it’s safe to say the guy loves dolphins! [ he holds up a bottle ] I suppose you’ll want that drink now?

Mr. Morelli: I don’t want no damn drink!

Sam Flint: Well, when you do, it’s five bucks.

Mr. Morelli: You are the lousiest detective I’ve ever seen! You can’t even take a photograph? Instead, you’re showing me doodles of tennis and bike rides? That don’t PROVE she cheated on me!

Sam Flint: Uh… you’re right. It doesn’t. But… THIS does. [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of himself in bed with the couple ] That’s your wife, that’s Kevin, and that’s me.

Mr. Morelli: Wha… why would you do that?

Sam Flint: I had to see how far they would take it.

Mr. Morelli: You’re a MONSTER!!

Sam Flint: I’m not the monster! [ he holds up a cartoon drawing of a monster ] THAT’S a monster! [ proudly ] I call ihm “Feebles”! I’m trying to get a little Sunday strip. Tough racket! No one wants anything original these days.

Mr. Morelli: This is INSANITY!!

Sam Flint: It’s not insanity! It’s Little Armenia!

[ cut to exterior, Little Armenia neighborhood ] [ fade ]

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