SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 09/22/12: Hypnotist



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 2


















12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Hypnotist

Comedian…..Bill Hader
Tommy Bergamont…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Curtis…..Taran Killam
Sharee…..Vanessa Bayer
Woman in Audience…..Aidy Bryant
Man in Audience…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Whiskey Pete’s, Las Vegas ] [ dissolve to interior, stage show ]

Comedian: …Turns out the keys were in my pants the whole time! [ the audience laughs ] Alright, everybody — that’s my set. Next on the Burgundy Room… please welcome the very best hypnotist this side of the strip — Tommy Bergamont! Here he is, alright!

[ Comedian exits the stage, as dramatic music plays and the intense Tommy Bergamont steps out ]

Tommy Bergamont: Thank you. Good evening. I am Thomas Bergamont, and tonight, ladies and gentlemen, what you will see is GUARANTEED to amaze! Now, I’m going to need a victim — I mean, a volunteer. Who will it be?

Sharee: [ grabbing her husband ] Oh, him! Pick him!

Tommy Bergamont: YOU, Sir! The gentlemen avoiding my gaze! Help me get him up here, folks!

[ the crowd cheers Curtis up to the stage ]

Tommy Bergamont: What is your name, friend?

Curtis: [ he shrugs ] Curtis.

Tommy Bergamont: And, Curtis — is this your first time being hypnotized?

Curtis: [ nervously ] Yes, it is!

Tommy Bergamont: Feeling a little nervous with all these people watching you?

Curtis: [ he chuckles ] A little bit, but as my wife, Sharee, will attest… I’ve always been a bit of a ham!

[ in the audience, Sharee laughs and smiles to the others ]

Tommy Bergamont: Well, I’m going to take GOOD care of you, Curtis! Now, have a seat… [ Curtis sits ] and close your eyes. Curtis! Listen only to the sound of my voice. I am going to count backwards from 3… and by the time I reach 1, you will be in a deep trance. Listen to my voice: 3… 2… and 1! Sleep! Pow! [ Curtis hangs his head ] Ladies and gentlemen, Curtis… has been hypnotized!

[ suddenly, Curtis raises his head and smiles at the audience while mouthing, “I’m not hypnotized!” ]

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis, in a moment, I will snap my fingers! You will remember NOTHING of this conversation, but every time you hear the word… “BUFFET”… you will feel the overwhelming desire to act like a dinosaur, a big, ferocious Tyrannosaurus Rex! [ behind him, Curtis laughs ] Do you understand, Curtis?

Curtis: [ he hangs his head ] Yes.

Tommy Bergamont: Very good! And… [ he snaps his finger ] AWAKE!! [ Curtis lifts his head ] Hello, Curtis!

Curtis: Hi.

Tommy Bergamont: Do you remember any of the conversation we just had?

Curtis: Did we… hav a conversation?

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, yes, we did! But it was nothing important! I was telling you how you should try… THE BUFFET!!

[ Curtis jumps to his feet and screeches like a dinosaur ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, my! Isn’t he TERRIFYING? I thought he was EXTINCT! [ Curtis bounds and screeches across the stage ] If you ask me… I’d prefer BARNEY! And… [ he snaps his finger ] SLEEP!! POW!! [ Curtis hangs his head ] And just like THAT, ladies and gentlemen… he’s back in a trance!

[ Curtis lifts his head, laughs and mouths, “No, I’m not!” to the audience, then lowers his head ]

Tommy Bergamont: What do you say we have some REAL fun, Curtis? From now on, when you hear the word… PAI-GOW… you will suddenly become very hot. Unbearably hot! So hot, that you will do ANYTHING to cool down! Do you understand, Curtis?

Curtis: Yes.

Tommy Bergamont: Wonderful! And… [ he snaps his finger ] AWAKE!! [ Curtis lifts his head ] And how are you feeling, Curtis?

Curtis: [ he shrugs ] Just fine.

Tommy Bergamont: Well… maybe you should try your luck… at the PAI GOW table!

[ Curtis gasps and quickly unbuttons his shirt ]

Tommy Bergamont: [ he winces ] You okay, Curtis?

Curtis: Yeah… it’s just… very hot… [ he grins sheepishly at the audience from behind his shirt ]

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! What are you doing?! I don’t think this is very appropriate!

[ Curtis drops his pants ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, my! where’s your MODESTY?!

Curtis: It’s so HOT!!

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! BUFFET!

[ now only in his drawers, Curtis screeches like a dinosaur ]

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, no! Curtis the Dinosaur is back! And THID dinosaur… is looking for a MATE! Aren’t you, Curtis?

[ Curtis screeches, then sniffs his way through the audience ]

Woman in Audience: Oh… oh, please don’t touch me…

Tommy Bergamont: Oh, Curtis — did I forget to tell you… you’re a FEMALE dinosaur?

[ Curtis stops, grimaches, then screeches in the face of a man in the front row ]

Man in Audience: Don’t do it, dude!

Curtis: [ whispering ] I’m not really hypnotized!

Man in Audience: Well — then, shame on YOU!

Curtis: It’s okay!

[ Curtis proceeds to dry-hump the man in the audience ]

Man in Audience: [ horrified ] Hey, man!! This man is not really hypnotized!!

Tommy Bergamont: What’s that you say?

[ Curtis laughs, then returns to the stage ]

Curtis: I’m sorry! I’m not really hypnotized.

Tommy Bergamont: I promise you — you ARE hypnotized!

Curtis: Ask them! I was goofing!

Tommy Bergamont: Curtis! When I snap my fingers, you will reveal your DARKEST secret! [ he snaps his fingers ]

Curtis: [ head down, in a trance ] I’m cheating on my wife with her sister.

[ Curtis lifts his head, horrified. Tommy is pleased. Sharee is also horrified. ]

Curtis: Uh… no! No, no… Sheri! Uh — uh — he TOLD me to say that! I WAS hypnotized! That was part of the show!

Sharee: Well, Happy birthday to ME!!

[ Sharee runs off crying ]

Curtis: No! Sharee! [ to Tommy ] My God! You RUINED my life!! Why?! Why-y-y-y-y?! [ he kneels down and cries ]

Tommy Bergamont: Well… this is unfortunate. But, as you can see, I DID, in fact, hypnotize Curtis!

[ suddenly, Curtis lifts his head and laughs. Sharee steps over and joins him in the joke. ]

Tommy Bergamont: Hopefully, he can repair things with the Missus! But THAT… is the POWER of suggestion!

[ Tommy turns to see Curtis and Sharee laughing at him ] [ cut to exterior, Whiskey Pete’s ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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