SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 09/22/12: Live With Kelly & Michael


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 2

12b: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Mumford and Sons

Live With Kelly & Michael

Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad
Michael Strahan…..Jay Pharoah
Robert Pattinson…..Bill Hader

Announcer: It’s “Live! with Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan”!

[ dissolve to Kelly and Michael waving from their set ]

Kelly Ripa: [ overly chipper ] Good morning, everyone! Hiiiii!

Michael Strahan: [ stiff and serious ] It is such a NICE morning! It is just so, so GORGEOUS!

Kelly Ripa: It’s been two weeks, and I just have to say: I LOVE my new co-host Michael Strahan! You’re GREAT!! [ she smacks him on the arm ]

Michael Strahan: [ chuckling heartily ] I mean, I am SO happy to BE here! I just can’t believe this is a JOB! You know, I woke up fifteen minutes ago and I’ll be dead asleep again in 45 minutes! You know, it’s like I’m living the life of a rich bear!

Kelly Ripa: I never sleep! One time I shut my eyes for a second and accidentally slept for a year-and-a-half! That’s why I stopped blinking!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I LOVE this girl! Look how SMALL she is! I mean, we look like the poster for “Blind Side”!

Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] Stop it!

Michael Strahan: So, Kelly, how was your weekend?

Kelly Ripa: You know, I took it easy — I shot TWO washer-dryer commercials, packed my kids’ school lunches for an entire school year, did 10,000 push-ups, and went to a gay raid with Anderson Cooper! How about you?

Michael Strahan: [ he shrugs ] Well… I mostly just sat around and busted through the elbows of all my sweaters!

Kelly Ripa: Oh, and don’t forget you and I hung out!

Michael Strahan: Oh, that’s right! I think we have a PICTURE!

[ reveal photo of giant Michael pointing to Kelly in a baby sling around his chest ]

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] That was so FUN! Although, you are suprisingly HEAVY!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah! I may look small, but I am DENSE as a moon rock! You know, when Andy cohen and I went to the Dead Sea, I sank right to the bottom! [ she shrugs ]

Michael Strahan: I mean, she is the STRONGEST tiniest person I ever met! You know, I just want to put her between my TEETH and carry her HOME!

Kelly Ripa: Quick, Michael! Favorite TV show — on the count of three!

Together: “THE BACHELORETTE”!! [ they high-five one another ]

Michael Strahan: [ holding his hand ] Oh, my God, it’s like slapping a piece of SHEETROCK!

Kelly Ripa: Okay, so we have some headlines to talk about! [ she holds up a newspaper with headline: “Emmy Fever” ] The EMMYS are this Sunday, and I just have to say: I’m EXCITED! [she puts the newspaper down ]

Michael Strahan: [ he grimaces ] Wha… wait. Is that all you’re gonna say?

Kelly Ripa: Yes!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] Oh, my GOD! This job is so EASY!!

Kelly Ripa: I know! I know!

Michael Strahan: I can’t believe I got smashed in the head every day for FIFTEEN YEARS while THIS was a JOB!

Kelly Ripa: Right! Why did you do that? Alright, our first guest is the star of the “Twilight” franchise — please welcome Robert Pattinson!

[ Pattinson gloomily steps out and sits beside his hosts ]

Robert Pattinson: Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. As you can tell, I’m pretty excited to be here.

Kelly Ripa: Robert, a lot of reports are circulating that you and Kristen Stewart are finally back together.

Robert Pattinson: I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about my movie — “Cosmopolis.”

Kelly Ripa: Oh, THAT reminds me: Later in the show, Bethany Frankel will be showing us som new Cosmo recipes!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] Cosmo? That’s AMAZING! At my last job, I had to wear a CUP!

Kelly Ripa: So, Robert… how are you handling all the media attention?

Robert Pattinson: Oh… some days, I’m like… [ he part his hair to one side ] Then other days, I’m like… [ he parts his hair back in the other direction ] And sometimes, I’m all… [ he bunches his hair up the middle ]

Kelly Ripa: You know, Robert… when I’m down in the dumps — which has happened twice — I hit the gym for soem light exercise. That’s how I got these! [ she lifts her shirt to reveal washboard abs ]

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I mean, look at us TOGETHER! We’re like that thing in the news when elephants and dogs are FRIENDS!

Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] That is so true! Oh! Robert! Where do you and Kristen see yourselves in… wait. Michael, what is he doing?

Michael Strahan: I don’t know. I think he’s brooding.

[ reveal Pattinson standing against the wall with a pouty face ]

Kelly Ripa: [ hyperventilating ] That is SEXY! Ladies, can you believe I get PAID to DO this?!

Michael Strahan: Hold, on, wait! We’re getting PAID, too?

Kelly Ripa: Yeah!

Michael Strahan: This just keeps getting BETTER! I mean, yesterday Mario Batali made me pasta, and all I had to say was: “Yummmmmmm!!”

Kelly Ripa: When we come back, a musical performance by me and Michael’s favorite band

Together: TRAIN!!!

Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I’m gonna get in my P.J.’s!

Kelly Ripa: And…

Together: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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