Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 2
Live With Kelly & Michael
Kelly Ripa…..Nasim Pedrad
Michael Strahan…..Jay Pharoah
Robert Pattinson…..Bill Hader
Announcer: It’s “Live! with Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan”!
[ dissolve to Kelly and Michael waving from their set ]
Kelly Ripa: [ overly chipper ] Good morning, everyone! Hiiiii!
Michael Strahan: [ stiff and serious ] It is such a NICE morning! It is just so, so GORGEOUS!
Kelly Ripa: It’s been two weeks, and I just have to say: I LOVE my new co-host Michael Strahan! You’re GREAT!! [ she smacks him on the arm ]
Michael Strahan: [ chuckling heartily ] I mean, I am SO happy to BE here! I just can’t believe this is a JOB! You know, I woke up fifteen minutes ago and I’ll be dead asleep again in 45 minutes! You know, it’s like I’m living the life of a rich bear!
Kelly Ripa: I never sleep! One time I shut my eyes for a second and accidentally slept for a year-and-a-half! That’s why I stopped blinking!
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I LOVE this girl! Look how SMALL she is! I mean, we look like the poster for “Blind Side”!
Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] Stop it!
Michael Strahan: So, Kelly, how was your weekend?
Kelly Ripa: You know, I took it easy — I shot TWO washer-dryer commercials, packed my kids’ school lunches for an entire school year, did 10,000 push-ups, and went to a gay raid with Anderson Cooper! How about you?
Michael Strahan: [ he shrugs ] Well… I mostly just sat around and busted through the elbows of all my sweaters!
Kelly Ripa: Oh, and don’t forget you and I hung out!
Michael Strahan: Oh, that’s right! I think we have a PICTURE!
[ reveal photo of giant Michael pointing to Kelly in a baby sling around his chest ]
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] That was so FUN! Although, you are suprisingly HEAVY!
Kelly Ripa: Yeah! I may look small, but I am DENSE as a moon rock! You know, when Andy cohen and I went to the Dead Sea, I sank right to the bottom! [ she shrugs ]
Michael Strahan: I mean, she is the STRONGEST tiniest person I ever met! You know, I just want to put her between my TEETH and carry her HOME!
Kelly Ripa: Quick, Michael! Favorite TV show — on the count of three!
Together: “THE BACHELORETTE”!! [ they high-five one another ]
Michael Strahan: [ holding his hand ] Oh, my God, it’s like slapping a piece of SHEETROCK!
Kelly Ripa: Okay, so we have some headlines to talk about! [ she holds up a newspaper with headline: “Emmy Fever” ] The EMMYS are this Sunday, and I just have to say: I’m EXCITED! [she puts the newspaper down ]
Michael Strahan: [ he grimaces ] Wha… wait. Is that all you’re gonna say?
Kelly Ripa: Yes!
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] Oh, my GOD! This job is so EASY!!
Kelly Ripa: I know! I know!
Michael Strahan: I can’t believe I got smashed in the head every day for FIFTEEN YEARS while THIS was a JOB!
Kelly Ripa: Right! Why did you do that? Alright, our first guest is the star of the “Twilight” franchise — please welcome Robert Pattinson!
[ Pattinson gloomily steps out and sits beside his hosts ]
Robert Pattinson: Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. As you can tell, I’m pretty excited to be here.
Kelly Ripa: Robert, a lot of reports are circulating that you and Kristen Stewart are finally back together.
Robert Pattinson: I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about my movie — “Cosmopolis.”
Kelly Ripa: Oh, THAT reminds me: Later in the show, Bethany Frankel will be showing us som new Cosmo recipes!
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] Cosmo? That’s AMAZING! At my last job, I had to wear a CUP!
Kelly Ripa: So, Robert… how are you handling all the media attention?
Robert Pattinson: Oh… some days, I’m like… [ he part his hair to one side ] Then other days, I’m like… [ he parts his hair back in the other direction ] And sometimes, I’m all… [ he bunches his hair up the middle ]
Kelly Ripa: You know, Robert… when I’m down in the dumps — which has happened twice — I hit the gym for soem light exercise. That’s how I got these! [ she lifts her shirt to reveal washboard abs ]
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I mean, look at us TOGETHER! We’re like that thing in the news when elephants and dogs are FRIENDS!
Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] That is so true! Oh! Robert! Where do you and Kristen see yourselves in… wait. Michael, what is he doing?
Michael Strahan: I don’t know. I think he’s brooding.
[ reveal Pattinson standing against the wall with a pouty face ]
Kelly Ripa: [ hyperventilating ] That is SEXY! Ladies, can you believe I get PAID to DO this?!
Michael Strahan: Hold, on, wait! Were getting PAID, too?
Kelly Ripa: Yeah!
Michael Strahan: This just keeps getting BETTER! I mean, yesterday Mario Batali made me pasta, and all I had to say was: “Yummmmmmm!!”
Kelly Ripa: When we come back, a musical performance by me and Michael’s favorite band…
Michael Strahan: [ laughing ] I’m gonna get in my P.J.’s!
Kelly Ripa: And…
Together: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”