Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 2
Burt Powers…..Tim Robinson
Blair Powers…..Nasim Pedrad
Carmine Powers…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
[ open on TV advertisement screen of open-mouthed couple ]
Announcer: If you’re looking for a home, look no further than Powers Realty.[ dissolve to Burt and Blair Powers ]
Burt Powers: Hi! We’re real estate team Burt and Blair Powers, from POWERS Realty!
Blair Powers: You’ve seen our ads around town.
Burt Powers: When you come to us and ask us to find the home of your dreams, WE! COME! THROUGH!
Blair Powers: But now, we have something to ask you.
Burt Powers: [ he sighs ] Please stop drawing butts and weiners on our advertisements!
Blair Powers: Please!
Burt Powers: You may not know it, but it hurts my feelings when I see my wife of twelve years going to town on a floating shaf and balls.
Blair Powers: We’re trying to find you a home. Don’t mar the experience by drawing the seeds of man splattered on my face. That’s not fun!
Burt Powers: We know we are partially to blame. We took the pictures with our mouthes WIDE OPEN, as if to say… “Put something AWFUL in here!”
Blair Powers: Awful things, like: [ reveal montage of marred advertisements ] Big weiners. Little weiners. A squadron of tiny airplanes that are shaped like weiners. And my husband and I having an absurd conversation about our hunger for balls.
Burt Powers: Come on, folks! There’s a time and a place for that!
Blair Powers: Nowhere and NEVER! So don’t give my husband a black eye and then imply that he got being pistol-whipped by a ding-dong! First of all, don’t… second of all, don’t!
Burt Powers: Let’s talk about our bus picture on 24th Street outside the Yogurt Land. That thing is a disaster!
Blair Powers: You know the one. It suggests that my husband poops gold coins and then those gold coins somehow find their way into my mouth and I enjoy them for dinner — No, I don’t!
Burt Powers: Don’t do it!
Blair Powers: Don’t do it! You’re hurting our whole family. [ Teenager comes into position ] Meet our poor son, Carmine. He hates it!
Burt Powers: Tell them what you saw outside your school, Carm-Carm!
Carmine Powers: Yeah, I… well, I saw my Mom with poop on her head, Dad with a big foot, Mom with a weiner, Dad with a thought bubble that says “I’m coocoo for ponopuffs”, Mom eating a fart, Dad eating a wang sandwich, And both of them playing Penis Tennis at Wimbledong.
Burt Powers: Folks, that was all on ONE billboard! What’s wrong with YOU?!
Burt Powers: So, if you want to take a ride to your dream home and, uh…[ suddenly, time runs short and we dissolve straight to the night’s final bumper ] [ fade ]