SNL Transcripts: Daniel Craig: 10/06/12: Construction Workers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 3

12c: Daniel Craig / Muse

Construction Workers

Kenan…..Kenan Thompson
Jack…..Daniel Craig
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan
Tim…..Tim Robinson
Attractive Woman #1…..
Buxom Woman…..Aidy Bryant
Attractive Woman #2…..Cecily Strong
Foreman…..Jason Sudeikis
Attractive Woman #3…..Vanessa Bayer
Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
Father…..Bill Hader

[ open on construction site ]

Kenan: I’m sure you’ll fit right in, Jack. The main thing is, just do what the foreman tells you. If he says “Dig”, you dig; If he says “Eat”, you eat.

Jack: Well, let’s hope he doesn’t say BOTH at the same time, ‘cuz… [ he laughs ] then I’ll be eatin’ DIRT! [ he laugh with a boisterous guffaw ]

Kenan: [ a beat ] Yeah. Alright, let’s just, let’s just get to work.

[ an attractive woman walks past ]

Bobby: Whoa! Speaking of working, check out THAT sweet piece! ‘Cause HER body’s working OVERTIME!

Tim: Yeah! That’s one clock I’d like to punch on all night long!

Kenan: Yeah — only they’re gonna have to give her Hazard Pay, because that ass is DANGEROUS!

Jack: [ guffaws loudly ] Yeah! I bet she makes sex all over the place, all the time! Like it’s outstanding!

[ the other workers are stunned ]

Bobby: What?!

Jack: No! I meant, like her BUTT! Like it’s 100% WHAMM-O! You know? [ he points to KET ] Like he was sayin’.

Tim: [ confused ] Whamm-O?

Kenan: Hey, it’s Jack’s first day, guys. Let’s cut him some slack.

Bobby: Hey! Speaking of slacks getting cut, we got a couple of TORPEDOS incoming at FOUR O’CLOCK!

[ a buxom woman walks past ]

Tim: Ah-ooh-ga! She’s got MY privates standing at attention!

Kenan: Say! Who ordered Arby’s? Because those are TWO juicy stacks of ROAST BEEF!

Jack: [ laughing ] Yeah! STACK ’em up! They’re like TWO giant, meaty jumboons! Like, TWO big breasty… SQUISH-RAGS!

Tim: [ stunned ] “Squish-rags”?

Jack: What? I’m just agreeing with YOU, guys! She’s like Sexy times Five… plus her boobies, carry the boner… equals YUB-A-DUB-DUB!!

Kenan: [ perplexed ] Man… where are you from?

Jack: Ah, I move around a lot.

[ another attractive woman walks past ]

Bobby: Hey! Speaking of moving around a lot… check out the jump in THAT pump! Mmm! I would crack that open, pour it into a glass, and sip it all afternoon!

Jack: Hey, somebody call AMTRAK! ‘Cause I need two tickets to Booty City!

Tim: I’d HIT it, QUIT it, and then beg for my job back so I could hit it again!

Jack: She’s like a big bowl of BUTT SOUP with extra nipples! “And can I get that with a side of HOO-WOO-WOO-WOO?!” “Yes, you can, Sir! Your total comes to FIVE kisses and FORTY-SEVEN smooches! Drive up to the next window and collect that sweet, SWEET heinie!” [ everyone stares at him ] What?

Kenan: Man, what in the HELL?!

[ the Foreman steps up ]

Foreman: HEY!! What in God’s sake is going on over here?!

[ the construction workrs jump to their feet and start working ]

Bobby: Uh — nothing, Boss! Just, uh, hard at work! [ he starts tapping his hammer ]

Foreman: Oh, yeah?! ‘Cause I got a lot of complaints that you guys are heckling women on the sidewalk here! And ,apparently, one of you is real BAD at it!

Jack: [ shocked ] Uh — nope! Nope! We’re all trying for the best.

Foreman: That’s a relief! [ an attractive woman walks past ] Which is good, because I can’t get NO relief from that AAAAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!

Tim: WHOO! Now, THAT’S a five-alarm booty! Whoo-ooh! Whoo-ooh!

Bobby: Yeah! Somebody dial 3-1-1. ‘Cause I SAW something, and I need to SAY something!

Kenan: Hey! Christmas dinner called. It’s missing TWO hams!

Jack: Yeah! I bet she’s got a BIG OL’ PENIS under that coat!

[ the rest of the crew is disgusted ]

Foreman: No, no, no, no, no! You’re FIRED! You’re FIRED! Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s just — that was AWFUL! Get out of here!

Kenan: Yeah, man! Haven’t you ever seen a hot woman walk by a construction site before?

Jack: Yeah… Yeah, I did. Once. A long, long time ago.

[ his memory drifts into a black-and-white flashback of himself as a young boy visiting his Father at a construction site ]

Jack V/O: You see, my father… he worked construction, too. When I was eight years old, I went to visit him at work, and… all of a sudden, this beautiful young woman walked by.

Father: Say… nice keister!

[ the woman stops, pulls out a gun and shoots his father dead ] [ return to the modern-day construction site ]

Foreman: Oh, damn! I had no idea. I’m so sorry, Jack. Hey, you know what? You’re welcome on our crew any time.

Jack: [ excited ] You mean it?! Oh, boy! I’m so happy I could… POOPERIZE you!

Foreman: What? Come on!

Kenan: Let’s get to work, man…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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