Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 3
Attractive Woman #1…..
Buxom Woman…..Aidy Bryant
Attractive Woman #2…..Cecily Strong
Attractive Woman #3…..Vanessa Bayer
[ open on construction site ]
Kenan: I’m sure you’ll fit right in, Jack. The main thing is, just do what the foreman tells you. If he says “Dig”, you dig; If he says “Eat”, you eat.
Jack: Well, let’s hope he doesn’t say BOTH at the same time, ‘cuz… [ he laughs ] then I’ll be eatin’ DIRT! [ he laugh with a boisterous guffaw ]
Kenan: [ a beat ] Yeah. Alright, let’s just, let’s just get to work.
[ an attractive woman walks past ]
Bobby: Whoa! Speaking of working, check out THAT sweet piece! ‘Cause HER body’s working OVERTIME!
Tim: Yeah! That’s one clock I’d like to punch on all night long!
Kenan: Yeah — only they’re gonna have to give her Hazard Pay, because that ass is DANGEROUS!
Jack: [ guffaws loudly ] Yeah! I bet she makes sex all over the place, all the time! Like it’s outstanding!
[ the other workers are stunned ]
Jack: No! I meant, like her BUTT! Like it’s 100% WHAMM-O! You know? [ he points to KET ] Like he was sayin’.
Tim: [ confused ] Whamm-O?
Kenan: Hey, it’s Jack’s first day, guys. Let’s cut him some slack.
Bobby: Hey! Speaking of slacks getting cut, we got a couple of TORPEDOS incoming at FOUR O’CLOCK!
[ a buxom woman walks past ]
Tim: Ah-ooh-ga! She’s got MY privates standing at attention!
Kenan: Say! Who ordered Arby’s? Because those are TWO juicy stacks of ROAST BEEF!
Jack: [ laughing ] Yeah! STACK ’em up! They’re like TWO giant, meaty jumboons! Like, TWO big breasty… SQUISH-RAGS!
Tim: [ stunned ] “Squish-rags”?
Jack: What? I’m just agreeing with YOU, guys! She’s like Sexy times Five… plus her boobies, carry the boner… equals YUB-A-DUB-DUB!!
Kenan: [ perplexed ] Man… where are you from?
Jack: Ah, I move around a lot.
[ another attractive woman walks past ]
Bobby: Hey! Speaking of moving around a lot… check out the jump in THAT pump! Mmm! I would crack that open, pour it into a glass, and sip it all afternoon!
Jack: Hey, somebody call AMTRAK! ‘Cause I need two tickets to Booty City!
Tim: I’d HIT it, QUIT it, and then beg for my job back so I could hit it again!
Jack: She’s like a big bowl of BUTT SOUP with extra nipples! “And can I get that with a side of HOO-WOO-WOO-WOO?!” “Yes, you can, Sir! Your total comes to FIVE kisses and FORTY-SEVEN smooches! Drive up to the next window and collect that sweet, SWEET heinie!” [ everyone stares at him ] What?
Kenan: Man, what in the HELL?!
[ the Foreman steps up ]
Foreman: HEY!! What in God’s sake is going on over here?!
[ the construction workrs jump to their feet and start working ]
Bobby: Uh — nothing, Boss! Just, uh, hard at work! [ he starts tapping his hammer ]
Foreman: Oh, yeah?! ‘Cause I got a lot of complaints that you guys are heckling women on the sidewalk here! And ,apparently, one of you is real BAD at it!
Jack: [ shocked ] Uh — nope! Nope! We’re all trying for the best.
Foreman: That’s a relief! [ an attractive woman walks past ] Which is good, because I can’t get NO relief from that AAAAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!
Tim: WHOO! Now, THAT’S a five-alarm booty! Whoo-ooh! Whoo-ooh!
Bobby: Yeah! Somebody dial 3-1-1. ‘Cause I SAW something, and I need to SAY something!
Kenan: Hey! Christmas dinner called. It’s missing TWO hams!
Jack: Yeah! I bet she’s got a BIG OL’ PENIS under that coat!
[ the rest of the crew is disgusted ]
Foreman: No, no, no, no, no! You’re FIRED! You’re FIRED! Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s just — that was AWFUL! Get out of here!
Kenan: Yeah, man! Haven’t you ever seen a hot woman walk by a construction site before?
Jack: Yeah… Yeah, I did. Once. A long, long time ago.
[ his memory drifts into a black-and-white flashback of himself as a young boy visiting his Father at a construction site ]
Jack V/O: You see, my father… he worked construction, too. When I was eight years old, I went to visit him at work, and… all of a sudden, this beautiful young woman walked by.
Father: Say… nice keister!
[ the woman stops, pulls out a gun and shoots his father dead ]
[ return to the modern-day construction site ]
Foreman: Oh, damn! I had no idea. I’m so sorry, Jack. Hey, you know what? You’re welcome on our crew any time.
Jack: [ excited ] You mean it?! Oh, boy! I’m so happy I could… POOPERIZE you!
Foreman: What? Come on!
Kenan: Let’s get to work, man…
[ fade ]