SNL Transcripts: Daniel Craig: 10/06/12: Long Island Medium


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 3

12c: Daniel Craig / Muse

Long Island Medium

Theresa Caputo…..Kate McKinnon
Client…..Taran Killam
Victoria Caputo…..Vanessa Bayer
Woman #1…..Aidy Bryant
Cook…..Fred Armisen
Woman #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Wife…..Cecily Strong
Husband…..Bobby Moynihan
Larry Caputo…..Daniel Craig

Announcer: This season, on “Long Island Medium”:

[ cut to Thersa Caputo walking down the street, spraying on deodorant, etc. ]

Thersa Caputo: I’m Theresa Caputo. I like to think of myself as a typical Long Island mom. But — I have a very special gift: I talk to DEAD people!

[ Theresa walks past a graveyard ] [ cut to Theresa with Client #1 ]

Thersa Caputo: Okay — your father’s showing me, like a, like a big pot of SAUCE! [ the client smiles ] Okay, he wants you to know he’s at peace… and he has the sauce.

Client: [ crying ] I’ve been waiting SO LONG to hear that!

[ cut to Victoria Caputo ]

Victoria Caputo: It doesn’t matter where she goes, my Mom, like, always finds someone with a dead relative.

[ cut to Thersa in a supermarket ]

Thersa Caputo: Hey, would you look at that hunk of ?? Isn’t that gorgeous? [ turns serious ] Who’s the young man who passed on suddenly?

Woman #1: [ crying ] My FRIEND!

[ cut to Theresa in another part of the supermarket ]

Thersa Caputo: Two egg rolls, please.

Cook: Okay.

Thersa Caputo: [ serious ] Did your mother drown?

Cook: [ crying ] She drowned in a river…!

[ cut to Theresa in a sauna ]

Thersa Caputo: Does the word “Caribbean” [?] mean anything to you? It’s like a little… metal thingy that you use when you go rock-climbing.

Woman #2: [ crying ] My whole FAMILY died rock-climbing!

Thersa Caputo: [ excited ] Oh, my God… I really AM a MEDIUM!!

[ cut to Theresa solo ]

Thersa Caputo: One of the problems with being a medium on Long Island, is that a lot of people have shared experiences with their loved ones.

[ cut to group session ]

Thersa Caputo: Okay… uhhh… who had the grandfather who choked on a meatball parm?

[ everyone in the room raises their hand ]

Everybody. Okay… uhhhh… His name was Sal.

[ one man lowers his hand ]

Thersa Caputo: Short for SalvaTore.

[ the man raises his hand again ]

Thersa Caputo: Well, they’re all at peace… and they’re all bowling.

[ everyone in the room claps their hands ]

Thersa Caputo: Yes! This is what I do!

[ cut to Theresa solo ]

Thersa Caputo: The thing about Long Island is, no one’s phased by a medium just coming up to you!

[ cut to Theresa approaching a woman in the supermarket ]

Thersa Caputo: My name is Theresa, I talk to the dead…

Wife: Yeah?

Thersa Caputo: I’ve seen your husband…

Wife: Yeah?

Thersa Caputo: He’s in a very bad place… he looks a mess, he looks terrible.

[ pan over to reveal the husband standing right there ]

Husband: Hey, FUCK you!

[ cut to Larry Caputo ]

Larry Caputo: Theresa’s always working. Last week, we went to this nice picnic. Just the four of us — her, me, our daughter… and this little guy! [ he points to his goatee ] Of course, Theresa — she can’t help herself.

[ cut to the Caputo Family on a picnic ]

Thersa Caputo: I’m seeing nuts… whose father loved nuts? Anybody? [ she turns to a squirrel ] Was it you? Okay. He wants you to know that he loves you… and he’s at peace.

[ cut to footage from all the previous locations ]

Thersa Caputo V/O: Being a medium isn’t just my job. It’s my life!

[ cut to Theresa solo ]

Thersa Caputo: Like I always say: I may be a medium… but at Chico’s, I’m a large! You may not be laughing, but your gradparents were! ] she points to Heaven and smiles ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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1 year ago

first ? word is prosciutto
second ? word is caribiner

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