Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 3
Long Island Medium
Theresa Caputo…..Kate McKinnon
Client…..Taran Killam
Victoria Caputo…..Vanessa Bayer
Woman #1…..Aidy Bryant
Cook…..Fred Armisen
Woman #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Wife…..Cecily Strong
Husband…..Bobby Moynihan
Larry Caputo…..Daniel Craig
Announcer: This season, on “Long Island Medium”:
[ cut to Thersa Caputo walking down the street, spraying on deodorant, etc. ]
Thersa Caputo: I’m Theresa Caputo. I like to think of myself as a typical Long Island mom. But — I have a very special gift: I talk to DEAD people!
[ Theresa walks past a graveyard ]
[ cut to Theresa with Client #1 ]
Thersa Caputo: Okay — your father’s showing me, like a, like a big pot of SAUCE! [ the client smiles ] Okay, he wants you to know he’s at peace… and he has the sauce.
Client: [ crying ] I’ve been waiting SO LONG to hear that!
[ cut to Victoria Caputo ]
Victoria Caputo: It doesn’t matter where she goes, my Mom, like, always finds someone with a dead relative.
[ cut to Thersa in a supermarket ]
Thersa Caputo: Hey, would you look at that hunk of ?? Isn’t that gorgeous? [ turns serious ] Who’s the young man who passed on suddenly?
Woman #1: [ crying ] My FRIEND!
[ cut to Theresa in another part of the supermarket ]
Thersa Caputo: Two egg rolls, please.
Cook: Okay.
Thersa Caputo: [ serious ] Did your mother drown?
Cook: [ crying ] She drowned in a river…!
[ cut to Theresa in a sauna ]
Thersa Caputo: Does the word “Caribbean” [?] mean anything to you? It’s like a little… metal thingy that you use when you go rock-climbing.
Woman #2: [ crying ] My whole FAMILY died rock-climbing!
Thersa Caputo: [ excited ] Oh, my God… I really AM a MEDIUM!!
[ cut to Theresa solo ]
Thersa Caputo: One of the problems with being a medium on Long Island, is that a lot of people have shared experiences with their loved ones.
[ cut to group session ]
Thersa Caputo: Okay… uhhh… who had the grandfather who choked on a meatball parm?
[ everyone in the room raises their hand ]
Everybody. Okay… uhhhh… His name was Sal.
[ one man lowers his hand ]
Thersa Caputo: Short for SalvaTore.
[ the man raises his hand again ]
Thersa Caputo: Well, they’re all at peace… and they’re all bowling.
[ everyone in the room claps their hands ]
Thersa Caputo: Yes! This is what I do!
[ cut to Theresa solo ]
Thersa Caputo: The thing about Long Island is, no one’s phased by a medium just coming up to you!
[ cut to Theresa approaching a woman in the supermarket ]
Thersa Caputo: My name is Theresa, I talk to the dead…
Wife: Yeah?
Thersa Caputo: I’ve seen your husband…
Wife: Yeah?
Thersa Caputo: He’s in a very bad place… he looks a mess, he looks terrible.
[ pan over to reveal the husband standing right there ]
Husband: Hey, FUCK you!
[ cut to Larry Caputo ]
Larry Caputo: Theresa’s always working. Last week, we went to this nice picnic. Just the four of us — her, me, our daughter… and this little guy! [ he points to his goatee ] Of course, Theresa — she can’t help herself.
[ cut to the Caputo Family on a picnic ]
Thersa Caputo: I’m seeing nuts… whose father loved nuts? Anybody? [ she turns to a squirrel ] Was it you? Okay. He wants you to know that he loves you… and he’s at peace.
[ cut to footage from all the previous locations ]
Thersa Caputo V/O: Being a medium isn’t just my job. It’s my life!
[ cut to Theresa solo ]
Thersa Caputo: Like I always say: I may be a medium… but at Chico’s, I’m a large! You may not be laughing, but your gradparents were! ] she points to Heaven and smiles ]
[ fade ]
