Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 3
A Sorry Lot We Are
Danny Gimps…..Daniel Craig
Raza…..Bill Hader
Rodney…..Bobby Moynihan
Waitress…..Kate McKinnon
Strange Guy…..Fred Armisen
Saucy Maggie…..Aidy Bryant
Man…..Tim Robinson
Announcer: You’re watching BBC. At 10 p.m., it’s the hilarious game show “I’m the Vicar, He’s the Bishop”; at 9 p.m., it’s “A resigned but Dignified look at Scottish Weather”; but, first, it’s the Season 45 premiere of the beloved working class drama “A Sorry Lot We Are”.
[ dissolve to rundown scenery, with title card and whistling soundtrack ] [ dissolve to pub interior ] [ Danny Gimps hangs his head in pity as his favorite sports team on TV loses ] [ Raza and Rodney enter ]Raza: What’s wrong there, Danny?
Danny: Oh, I just lost a tenner on the match!
Rodney: But that’s a replay of last week’s match.
Danny: I know! I lost a FIVER on it last week! I was just trying to win me money back!
Raza: Aww, Danny. Come on. Let’s have a pint.
[ they all sit at a table ]Danny: So, Raza… what did the doctor say about your Mum?
Raza: I’m afraid it wasn’t good news. Turns out, she’s been dead for MONTHS.
Danny: Oh. She wasn’t just looking out the window, then?
Raza: Oh, she was — but she was DEAD.
Waitress: [ walking up ] Can I get you anything, Rodney?
Rodney: Uh — fish pie with jam, please.
Waitress: Yes. And you, Raza?
Raza: I’ll have a sliced tomato with some crushed cigarettes in it, love.
Waitress: Mmm-hmm. What about you, Danny?
Danny: No, I can’t stay — I’m on the job.
Waitress: Okay. [ she exits ]
Raza: You have a job now, do ya’?
Danny: That’s right! Me luck’s FINALLY turnin’ ’round! You know, I never thought I’d work again after they closed the mine…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the mill…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the pitch…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the quarry…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the dirt hole…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the rubbish pile…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: Then the Blockbusters…
Raza and Rodney: Aye!
Danny: But I think — I think I’m gonna have this job for a long, long time.
Rodney: What job is it, then?
Danny: I’m working in the Information Kiosk at the Olympics!
Raza: Ohhhh, nooooo…! Have you not heard, Danny? They closed down the Olympics!
Danny: They didn’t?!
Raza: They did! It was only ever gonna be for sixteen days.
Danny: Says who?!
Rodney: Well, says everyone, Danny! That’s how the Olympics work.
Danny: Awwww… BOLLOCKS!! They’ve done it to me AGAIN!!
Rodney: It’ll be alright, Danny. Look on the bright side — you could DIE soon.
Danny: I can’t keep holding on to THAT dream. What about me Olympic t-shirts? They’ve only just come back from the printers! [ he holds up a t-shirt that reads: “The Olympics Are Here Forever, Yeah?” ]
Raza: Ohhhhh, AWFUL, Danny!
Rodney: Oh, where’d you even get the money to pay for those?
Danny: I took out a loan!
Raza: Ohhhh, noooo…! A loan?! From who?
[ suddenly, a strange looking guy enters ]Strange Guy: Well, well, well. Look at this sorry lot! What’s this? A POOFTER convention?
Rodney: No, mate!
Strange Guy: Oh, it isn’t? [ he removes a flyer from his jacket ] I’m looking for the Poofter Convention. It’s at the Open Line Pub. Is that nearby?
Rodney: It’s further down the road.
Strange Guy: Has it started yet?
Danny: What?
Strange Guy: THE POOFTER CONVENTION!!
Danny: I don’t know.
Strange Guy: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! [ he rushes out ]
Raza: Oh, no! Don’t look now, Danny — Saucy Maggy just walked in.
Saucy Maggie: Ho, ho, ho, ho! Why, if it isn’t my first love — Little Danny Gimps — all grown up!
Danny: How’s the new baby, Maggie?
Saucy Maggie: Ohhh, haven’t you heard? Turns out I wasn’t pregnant at all — I was just working on a FART! [ she laughs boisterously ] Ohhhh, I MISS you, Danny! oooohhhh, do ya’ ever miss me? [ she rubs her chest ] Do ya’ miss my personality? Do ya’, Danny?
Danny: No, Maggie, I’m married now. I ove my wife — even though she’s stuck in a chimney.
Saucy Maggie: Ohhhh! I could make ya’ feel reaaallll good!
Danny: No, Maggie!
Saucy Maggie: Alright… alright. But then, take one last look at what you’re missing! [ she laughs boisterously, then exits the pub ]
Danny: [ to Raza ] I still love her, you know.
Raza: Yeah, I know… we know. We know.
Danny: What am I gonna do?
Raza: Don’t worry, we’ll do what we always do when thet take away our jobs: We’ll put together an all-male strip show, or, worse comes to worse, we’ll cash a dead man’s lottery ticket,
Danny: No, no! This time, I want a job with DIGNITY!
[ suddenly, a man enters ]Man: Hi there! Hi there! Have you heard the good news?
Danny: What?!
Man: There’s been another pedophile scandal! The cops need to hire an extra bloke for the line-up, for the wee ones to point at! One cent, one hour, one time only!
Danny: Oh, our luck has changed! Let’s go! [ he and Raza stand up, as Rodney remains seated ] Come on, pal! Do you want to be in the pedophile line-up?
Rodney: Eh — no.
[ they all raise their glasses ]All: To the Queen!
[ freeze-frame with title slide ] [ fade ]