SNL Transcripts: Daniel Craig: 10/06/12: A Sorry Lot We Are


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 3

12c: Daniel Craig / Muse

A Sorry Lot We Are

Danny Gimps…..Daniel Craig
Raza…..Bill Hader
Rodney…..Bobby Moynihan
Waitress…..Kate McKinnon
Strange Guy…..Fred Armisen
Saucy Maggie…..Aidy Bryant
Man…..Tim Robinson

[ open on BBC program page ]

Announcer: You’re watching BBC. At 10 p.m., it’s the hilarious game show “I’m the Vicar, He’s the Bishop”; at 9 p.m., it’s “A resigned but Dignified look at Scottish Weather”; but, first, it’s the Season 45 premiere of the beloved working class drama “A Sorry Lot We Are”.

[ dissolve to rundown scenery, with title card and whistling soundtrack ] [ dissolve to pub interior ] [ Danny Gimps hangs his head in pity as his favorite sports team on TV loses ] [ Raza and Rodney enter ]

Raza: What’s wrong there, Danny?

Danny: Oh, I just lost a tenner on the match!

Rodney: But that’s a replay of last week’s match.

Danny: I know! I lost a FIVER on it last week! I was just trying to win me money back!

Raza: Aww, Danny. Come on. Let’s have a pint.

[ they all sit at a table ]

Danny: So, Raza… what did the doctor say about your Mum?

Raza: I’m afraid it wasn’t good news. Turns out, she’s been dead for MONTHS.

Danny: Oh. She wasn’t just looking out the window, then?

Raza: Oh, she was — but she was DEAD.

Waitress: [ walking up ] Can I get you anything, Rodney?

Rodney: Uh — fish pie with jam, please.

Waitress: Yes. And you, Raza?

Raza: I’ll have a sliced tomato with some crushed cigarettes in it, love.

Waitress: Mmm-hmm. What about you, Danny?

Danny: No, I can’t stay — I’m on the job.

Waitress: Okay. [ she exits ]

Raza: You have a job now, do ya’?

Danny: That’s right! Me luck’s FINALLY turnin’ ’round! You know, I never thought I’d work again after they closed the mine…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the mill…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the pitch…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the quarry…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the dirt hole…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the rubbish pile…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the Blockbusters…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: But I think — I think I’m gonna have this job for a long, long time.

Rodney: What job is it, then?

Danny: I’m working in the Information Kiosk at the Olympics!

Raza: Ohhhh, nooooo…! Have you not heard, Danny? They closed down the Olympics!

Danny: They didn’t?!

Raza: They did! It was only ever gonna be for sixteen days.

Danny: Says who?!

Rodney: Well, says everyone, Danny! That’s how the Olympics work.

Danny: Awwww… BOLLOCKS!! They’ve done it to me AGAIN!!

Rodney: It’ll be alright, Danny. Look on the bright side — you could DIE soon.

Danny: I can’t keep holding on to THAT dream. What about me Olympic t-shirts? They’ve only just come back from the printers! [ he holds up a t-shirt that reads: “The Olympics Are Here Forever, Yeah?” ]

Raza: Ohhhhh, AWFUL, Danny!

Rodney: Oh, where’d you even get the money to pay for those?

Danny: I took out a loan!

Raza: Ohhhh, noooo…! A loan?! From who?

[ suddenly, a strange looking guy enters ]

Strange Guy: Well, well, well. Look at this sorry lot! What’s this? A POOFTER convention?

Rodney: No, mate!

Strange Guy: Oh, it isn’t? [ he removes a flyer from his jacket ] I’m looking for the Poofter Convention. It’s at the Open Line Pub. Is that nearby?

Rodney: It’s further down the road.

Strange Guy: Has it started yet?

Danny: What?


Danny: I don’t know.

Strange Guy: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! [ he rushes out ]

Raza: Oh, no! Don’t look now, Danny — Saucy Maggy just walked in.

Saucy Maggie: Ho, ho, ho, ho! Why, if it isn’t my first love — Little Danny Gimps — all grown up!

Danny: How’s the new baby, Maggie?

Saucy Maggie: Ohhh, haven’t you heard? Turns out I wasn’t pregnant at all — I was just working on a FART! [ she laughs boisterously ] Ohhhh, I MISS you, Danny! oooohhhh, do ya’ ever miss me? [ she rubs her chest ] Do ya’ miss my personality? Do ya’, Danny?

Danny: No, Maggie, I’m married now. I ove my wife — even though she’s stuck in a chimney.

Saucy Maggie: Ohhhh! I could make ya’ feel reaaallll good!

Danny: No, Maggie!

Saucy Maggie: Alright… alright. But then, take one last look at what you’re missing! [ she laughs boisterously, then exits the pub ]

Danny: [ to Raza ] I still love her, you know.

Raza: Yeah, I know… we know. We know.

Danny: What am I gonna do?

Raza: Don’t worry, we’ll do what we always do when thet take away our jobs: We’ll put together an all-male strip show, or, worse comes to worse, we’ll cash a dead man’s lottery ticket,

Danny: No, no! This time, I want a job with DIGNITY!

[ suddenly, a man enters ]

Man: Hi there! Hi there! Have you heard the good news?

Danny: What?!

Man: There’s been another pedophile scandal! The cops need to hire an extra bloke for the line-up, for the wee ones to point at! One cent, one hour, one time only!

Danny: Oh, our luck has changed! Let’s go! [ he and Raza stand up, as Rodney remains seated ] Come on, pal! Do you want to be in the pedophile line-up?

Rodney: Eh — no.

[ they all raise their glasses ]

All: To the Queen!

[ freeze-frame with title slide ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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