SNL Transcripts: Christina Applegate: 10/13/12: Vice Presidential Debate

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 4

12d: Christina Applegate / Passion Pit

Vice Presidential Debate

Martha Raddatz…..Kate McKinnon
Paul Ryan…..Taran Killam
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Usain Bolt

[ open on Centre College — Thursday, October 11th, 2012 ]

Martha Raddatz: Good evening, and welcome to the first and only Vice-Presidential debate of 2012. I am Martha Raddatz of ABC News, and I’m honored to be here moderating tonight’s debate. We have a wonderful audience, and it should be… a LIVELY evening! [ she chuckles nervously ] Alright, now, we welcome Vice-President Joe Biden and Congressman Paul Ryan.

[ the two men step out, shake hands, and join Raddatz at the circular table ]

Martha Raddatz: Welcome, gentlemen, and, uh, a reminder that your performance tonight is extremely unlikely to affect the outcome of the election… so just have fun with it.

Paul Ryan: Okay!

Joe Biden: You bet! you bet!

Martha Raddatz: Uh, Congressman Ryan? We begin with your opening statements.

[ as Ryan talks, Biden makes faces on his side of the split-screen ]

Paul Ryan: Thank you. First of all… I want to thank Centre College for hosting us this evening.

Joe Biden: Oh, boy! Here we go! Oh, man!

Paul Ryan: Four years ago, President Obama made a promise…

Joe Biden: HA HA HA HA!!!

Paul Ryan: That he would bring down unemployment below 6%.

Joe Biden: Aw, this guy!

Paul Ryan: He said that by the end of his first term he would cut the deficit in HALF.

Joe Biden: Awwwwwwww!! [ he pounds the table ]

Paul Ryan: And yet, he still has not put a credible plan on the table on how to deal with the debt crisis.

Joe Biden: Okay, I’m sorry — Martha! Martha, Martha, with all due respect, this is a bunch of malarkey! This is malarkey!

Martha Raddatz: A bunch of “malarkey”?

Joe Biden: Yeah!

Martha Raddatz: What does that mean?

Paul Ryan: Uhhh — it’s Irish.

Joe Biden: Uhhh, no, no, no, no! Irish is I come over there and SMACK that dumb look off your face! That’s what that means!

Martha Raddatz: Hey! Do I sound like Jim Lehrer?

Joe Biden: No, no, no, no…

Martha Raddatz: And do I look like Jim Lehrer?

Joe Biden: No, you don’t.

Paul Ryan: No.

Martha Raddatz: Then don’t try to fuck me like I’m Jim Lehrer. Are we clear?

Paul Ryan: Absolutely.

Joe Biden: Yeah, absolutely. You got it.

Martha Raddatz: Good. Alright, the Number One issue here at home is jobs. My question to you both is: Can you get unemployment to under 6%, and how long will it take?

Paul Ryan: Martha… Vice-President Biden and I come from very similar places. I’m from Janesville, Wisconsin, and he’s from Scranton, Pennsylvania. Do you know what the unemployment rate is in Scranton right now?

Joe Biden: Sure do.

Paul Ryan: It’s 10%.

Joe Biden: Mmm-hmm.

Paul Ryan: And I just wonder what the Vice-President would say to the hard-working people in towns like Janesville and Scranton? [ he stares Biden down, then sips twice from his glass of water ]

Joe Biden: Well, I know what I’d say to my friend and the people of Janesville. Things may be bad where you live, but I guarantee you it is a PARADISE next to the burning coal heap that is Scranton, Pennsylvania! I mean, do you know that show “The Walking Dead”? It would make a good tourism ad for Scranton! I mean, if you went to the LOWEST circle of hell, you’d STILL be 45 minutes outside of Scranton! I grew up there! I love it! It’s the single worst place ON EARTH!!

Martha Raddatz: It seems many Americans are disenchanted with the political process and two parties who just can’t seem to work together. Is the era of bipartisanship over?

[ in the split-screen, Joe Biden swaps out his prosthetic teeth ]

Paul Ryan: Well… I would agree that the President and the Vice-President haven’t done the work to reach across the aisle. But I personally put together a bipartisan Medicare plan.

Joe Biden: Yeah, there’s no one Democrat who endorses it!

Paul Ryan: One partner is a Democrat from Oregon.

Joe Biden: No, he no longer supports it!

Paul Ryan: A former Clinton budget director.

Joe Biden: Who disavows it!

Paul Ryan: A Democratic congressman said he liked it!

Joe Biden: Yeah, he’s missing — he’s presumed DEAD! So… there’s that!

Paul Ryan: Mr. Vice-President, I know you’re under a lot of duress to make up for lost ground…

[ Biden guffaws boisteriously ]

Paul Ryan: But I think the people would be better served if you didn’t keep interrupting me.

Joe Biden: You don’t scare ME, Shark-Eyes! Alright?

Paul Ryan: Mr. Vice-President. [ he sips more water from his glass ]

Joe Biden: Hey, look — you think you’re tougher than me, because you do the P90X workout, huh? Because you’re younger than me? Let me tell you something, buddy — there is gym strong, and there’s OLD MAN strong! Okay? Do you want to know my workout? When the Amtrak breaks down on my morning commute, I strip down to my tighty whiteys… I push that BITCH all the way to Washington! That’s right! I’ll tell you what, man — I am MONKEY strong, brother! [ he makes monkey noises and laughs ]

Martha Raddatz: Congressman… the Romney-Ryan team has been criticized for not giving specifics on their economic plan. How do you respond to these charges?

Paul Ryan: Our economic plan is simple: We’re going to close loopholes, bring down tax rates, and erase the deficit.

Martha Raddatz: Can you please be more specific?

Paul Ryan: No. But let me say it again with hand gestures. When it comes to the loopholes… [ he makes a circle with his fist ] we are going to clo-o-ose them… [ he tightens his fist ] When it comes to tax rates… [ he holds up his hand ] we are going to bring them do-o-own. [ he lowers his hand ] And when it comes to the deficit… [ he holds out his hand ] we are going to erase it. [ he motions his hand like he’s erasing a chalkboard ]

Martha Raddatz: Congressman Ryan, I’ve just been told America’s small children would like you to stop looking directly into the lens. Apparently, they find it upsetting.

Paul Ryan: Oh! Understood.

Martha Raddatz: Okay. Moving on, the baseball Play-Offs are in full swing with four teams remaining — The Yankees, Tigers, Giants, and Cardinals. So, if you can, could you please speak personally about abortion?

Paul Ryan: About ten years ago, my wife, Janet, and I went to Mercy Hospital in Janesville for our seven-week ultrasound of our first-born child. Now, we saw a little baby that was in the shape of a bean, and to this day, we have nicknamed our first-born child “Bean”. We also nicknamed our second and third child “Bean”. I figured out later: That’s what all babies look like at seven weeks. They look like beans. [ Biden leans his head back in agony ] And the only thing I love more than beans… is babies.

Martha Raddatz: Vice-President Biden?

Joe Biden: Look, Martha — I’m a Catholic. I’m a real-world Catholic. Now, when it comes to church… I may not go every Sunday. But on Christmas Eve, I am FRONT ROW CENTER, singing “Joy to the World” as LOUDLY and as OFF-KEY as I can! [ Ryan sips from an oversized glass of water ] I ACCEPT the teachings of the Catholic Church, but then, like most Catholics, I ignore them and do what I want! Okay? Now… I feel kind of guilty about that, but, uh… yeah, whatever!

Martha Raddatz: Closing statements, Joe Biden?

Joe Biden: To our seniors, I want to say: Folks… who do you trust on this? [ in the split-screen, Ryan sips from a pet water bottle ] Alright, to our tropps, I want to say: Guys, gals — we honor your service. To the Afghan troops, who will soon take over the security of their own nation, I say: [ speaks foreign phrase ] And to the young people out there who worry that they’re never gonna see that Social Security they’re entitled to, I say: Don’t worry, homies! Big Daddy Joe’s got your back! [ he makes a series of gang gestures ] PEACE OUT!!

Martha Raddatz: And, Congressman Ryan?

Paul Ryan: Don’t let anyone tell you something’s impossible. Take it from me — not only have I run a sub-three minute marathon AND a sub-four minute mile… just this summer, with very little training, I competed in — and won — the Hundred Meters at the London Olympics.

Joe Biden: Aw, that’s not true!

Paul Ryan: Yes, it is true.

Joe Biden: No, it’s not!

Paul Ryan: If you don’t believe me, ask my running partner — Usain Bolt!

[ Usain Bolt appears and leans over Ryan’s shoulder ]

Paul Ryan: Usain? Please tell him who won the Hundred Meters.

Usain Bolt: I did.

Paul Ryan: You did?

Usain Bolt: Mmm-hmm.

Paul Ryan: And where did I finish?

Usain Bolt: You didn’t finish. You weren’t even there.

Paul Ryan: Thank you, Usain.

Usain Bolt: No problem. [ he gives the camera a thumbs-up and leaves ]

Martha Raddatz: That concludes tonight’s debate.

Joe Biden: Uh — uh — uh, I’m sorry, Martha! Can I just do one thing?

Martha Raddatz: Sure.

[ Biden crosses the split-screen, licks his thumbs and rubs off Ryan’s widow’s peak ]

Joe Biden: Oh, that thing’s been driving me crazy! Huh?

Martha Raddatz: And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!”

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