SNL Transcripts: Christina Applegate: 10/13/12: Vice Presidential Debate


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 4

12d: Christina Applegate / Passion Pit

Vice Presidential Debate

Martha Raddatz…..Kate McKinnon
Paul Ryan…..Taran Killam
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Usain Bolt

[ open on Centre College — Thursday, October 11th, 2012 ]

Martha Raddatz: Good evening, and welcome to the first and only Vice-Presidential debate of 2012. I am Martha Raddatz of ABC News, and I’m honored to be here moderating tonight’s debate. We have a wonderful audience, and it should be… a LIVELY evening! [ she chuckles nervously ] Alright, now, we welcome Vice-President Joe Biden and Congressman Paul Ryan.

[ the two men step out, shake hands, and join Raddatz at the circular table ]

Martha Raddatz: Welcome, gentlemen, and, uh, a reminder that your performance tonight is extremely unlikely to affect the outcome of the election… so just have fun with it.

Paul Ryan: Okay!

Joe Biden: You bet! you bet!

Martha Raddatz: Uh, Congressman Ryan? We begin with your opening statements.

[ as Ryan talks, Biden makes faces on his side of the split-screen ]

Paul Ryan: Thank you. First of all… I want to thank Centre College for hosting us this evening.

Joe Biden: Oh, boy! Here we go! Oh, man!

Paul Ryan: Four years ago, President Obama made a promise…

Joe Biden: HA HA HA HA!!!

Paul Ryan: That he would bring down unemployment below 6%.

Joe Biden: Aw, this guy!

Paul Ryan: He said that by the end of his first term he would cut the deficit in HALF.

Joe Biden: Awwwwwwww!! [ he pounds the table ]

Paul Ryan: And yet, he still has not put a credible plan on the table on how to deal with the debt crisis.

Joe Biden: Okay, I’m sorry — Martha! Martha, Martha, with all due respect, this is a bunch of malarkey! This is malarkey!

Martha Raddatz: A bunch of “malarkey”?

Joe Biden: Yeah!

Martha Raddatz: What does that mean?

Paul Ryan: Uhhh — it’s Irish.

Joe Biden: Uhhh, no, no, no, no! Irish is I come over there and SMACK that dumb look off your face! That’s what that means!

Martha Raddatz: Hey! Do I sound like Jim Lehrer?

Joe Biden: No, no, no, no…

Martha Raddatz: And do I look like Jim Lehrer?

Joe Biden: No, you don’t.

Paul Ryan: No.

Martha Raddatz: Then don’t try to fuck me like I’m Jim Lehrer. Are we clear?

Paul Ryan: Absolutely.

Joe Biden: Yeah, absolutely. You got it.

Martha Raddatz: Good. Alright, the Number One issue here at home is jobs. My question to you both is: Can you get unemployment to under 6%, and how long will it take?

Paul Ryan: Martha… Vice-President Biden and I come from very similar places. I’m from Janesville, Wisconsin, and he’s from Scranton, Pennsylvania. Do you know what the unemployment rate is in Scranton right now?

Joe Biden: Sure do.

Paul Ryan: It’s 10%.

Joe Biden: Mmm-hmm.

Paul Ryan: And I just wonder what the Vice-President would say to the hard-working people in towns like Janesville and Scranton? [ he stares Biden down, then sips twice from his glass of water ]

Joe Biden: Well, I know what I’d say to my friend and the people of Janesville. Things may be bad where you live, but I guarantee you it is a PARADISE next to the burning coal heap that is Scranton, Pennsylvania! I mean, do you know that show “The Walking Dead”? It would make a good tourism ad for Scranton! I mean, if you went to the LOWEST circle of hell, you’d STILL be 45 minutes outside of Scranton! I grew up there! I love it! It’s the single worst place ON EARTH!!

Martha Raddatz: It seems many Americans are disenchanted with the political process and two parties who just can’t seem to work together. Is the era of bipartisanship over?

[ in the split-screen, Joe Biden swaps out his prosthetic teeth ]

Paul Ryan: Well… I would agree that the President and the Vice-President haven’t done the work to reach across the aisle. But I personally put together a bipartisan Medicare plan.

Joe Biden: Yeah, there’s no one Democrat who endorses it!

Paul Ryan: One partner is a Democrat from Oregon.

Joe Biden: No, he no longer supports it!

Paul Ryan: A former Clinton budget director.

Joe Biden: Who disavows it!

Paul Ryan: A Democratic congressman said he liked it!

Joe Biden: Yeah, he’s missing — he’s presumed DEAD! So… there’s that!

Paul Ryan: Mr. Vice-President, I know you’re under a lot of duress to make up for lost ground…

[ Biden guffaws boisteriously ]

Paul Ryan: But I think the people would be better served if you didn’t keep interrupting me.

Joe Biden: You don’t scare ME, Shark-Eyes! Alright?

Paul Ryan: Mr. Vice-President. [ he sips more water from his glass ]

Joe Biden: Hey, look — you think you’re tougher than me, because you do the P90X workout, huh? Because you’re younger than me? Let me tell you something, buddy — there is gym strong, and there’s OLD MAN strong! Okay? Do you want to know my workout? When the Amtrak breaks down on my morning commute, I strip down to my tighty whiteys… I push that BITCH all the way to Washington! That’s right! I’ll tell you what, man — I am MONKEY strong, brother! [ he makes monkey noises and laughs ]

Martha Raddatz: Congressman… the Romney-Ryan team has been criticized for not giving specifics on their economic plan. How do you respond to these charges?

Paul Ryan: Our economic plan is simple: We’re going to close loopholes, bring down tax rates, and erase the deficit.

Martha Raddatz: Can you please be more specific?

Paul Ryan: No. But let me say it again with hand gestures. When it comes to the loopholes… [ he makes a circle with his fist ] we are going to clo-o-ose them… [ he tightens his fist ] When it comes to tax rates… [ he holds up his hand ] we are going to bring them do-o-own. [ he lowers his hand ] And when it comes to the deficit… [ he holds out his hand ] we are going to erase it. [ he motions his hand like he’s erasing a chalkboard ]

Martha Raddatz: Congressman Ryan, I’ve just been told America’s small children would like you to stop looking directly into the lens. Apparently, they find it upsetting.

Paul Ryan: Oh! Understood.

Martha Raddatz: Okay. Moving on, the baseball Play-Offs are in full swing with four teams remaining — The Yankees, Tigers, Giants, and Cardinals. So, if you can, could you please speak personally about abortion?

Paul Ryan: About ten years ago, my wife, Janet, and I went to Mercy Hospital in Janesville for our seven-week ultrasound of our first-born child. Now, we saw a little baby that was in the shape of a bean, and to this day, we have nicknamed our first-born child “Bean”. We also nicknamed our second and third child “Bean”. I figured out later: That’s what all babies look like at seven weeks. They look like beans. [ Biden leans his head back in agony ] And the only thing I love more than beans… is babies.

Martha Raddatz: Vice-President Biden?

Joe Biden: Look, Martha — I’m a Catholic. I’m a real-world Catholic. Now, when it comes to church… I may not go every Sunday. But on Christmas Eve, I am FRONT ROW CENTER, singing “Joy to the World” as LOUDLY and as OFF-KEY as I can! [ Ryan sips from an oversized glass of water ] I ACCEPT the teachings of the Catholic Church, but then, like most Catholics, I ignore them and do what I want! Okay? Now… I feel kind of guilty about that, but, uh… yeah, whatever!

Martha Raddatz: Closing statements, Joe Biden?

Joe Biden: To our seniors, I want to say: Folks… who do you trust on this? [ in the split-screen, Ryan sips from a pet water bottle ] Alright, to our tropps, I want to say: Guys, gals — we honor your service. To the Afghan troops, who will soon take over the security of their own nation, I say: [ speaks foreign phrase ] And to the young people out there who worry that they’re never gonna see that Social Security they’re entitled to, I say: Don’t worry, homies! Big Daddy Joe’s got your back! [ he makes a series of gang gestures ] PEACE OUT!!

Martha Raddatz: And, Congressman Ryan?

Paul Ryan: Don’t let anyone tell you something’s impossible. Take it from me — not only have I run a sub-three minute marathon AND a sub-four minute mile… just this summer, with very little training, I competed in — and won — the Hundred Meters at the London Olympics.

Joe Biden: Aw, that’s not true!

Paul Ryan: Yes, it is true.

Joe Biden: No, it’s not!

Paul Ryan: If you don’t believe me, ask my running partner — Usain Bolt!

[ Usain Bolt appears and leans over Ryan’s shoulder ]

Paul Ryan: Usain? Please tell him who won the Hundred Meters.

Usain Bolt: I did.

Paul Ryan: You did?

Usain Bolt: Mmm-hmm.

Paul Ryan: And where did I finish?

Usain Bolt: You didn’t finish. You weren’t even there.

Paul Ryan: Thank you, Usain.

Usain Bolt: No problem. [ he gives the camera a thumbs-up and leaves ]

Martha Raddatz: That concludes tonight’s debate.

Joe Biden: Uh — uh — uh, I’m sorry, Martha! Can I just do one thing?

Martha Raddatz: Sure.

[ Biden crosses the split-screen, licks his thumbs and rubs off Ryan’s widow’s peak ]

Joe Biden: Oh, that thing’s been driving me crazy! Huh?

Martha Raddatz: And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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