Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 4
Caitlin Owens…..Christina Applegate
Josh Savage…..Bill Hader
Adrienne Terzoli…..Vanessa Bayer
Dennis Metcalf…..Kenan Thompson
Li Hai…..Cecily Strong
Mashu Quin…..Nasim Pedrad
Shu Chow…..Fred Armisen
Caitlin Owens: Hello. Welcome to “Tech Talk”. I’m your host — Caitlin Owens. And today’s topic: The iPhone 5 and its plethora of glitches and design flaws. Joining me today are Josh Savage, of C-Net…
Josh Savage: [ smugly ] Thanks for having me!
Caitlin Owens: Adrienne Terzoli, from Wired Magazine…
Adrienne Terzoli: [ haughtily ] Hi!
Caitlin Owens: And Dennis Metcalf, from Gizmodo.
Dennis Metcalf: [ frog-voiced ] It’s great to be here.
Caitlin Owens: Great! Josh, we’ll start with you. What are your complaints about the iPhone 5?
Josh Savage: Well, Caitlin, everyone knows that Apple Maps has been a total disaster… and since there’s no Google Maps app yet, I’ve been forced to use Google Maps in my browser… which is significantly slower.
Caitlin Owens: Ugh! What a NIGHTMARE! Adrienne?
Adrienne Terzoli: I’m just upset about the camera. Every time I point it straight at the sun, there’s a very slight, purplish hue in all of my photos! What is that?!
Caitlin Owens: Exactly! It’s… unacceptable! Dennis?
Dennis Metcalf: Well, the bottom line is… it’s just too light. I mean, I know we asked for a phone that was lighter and thinner, but… this is ridiculous! I mean, I feel like I’m holding three pieces of paper that are stapled together — not a Smartphone!
Caitlin Owens: Wow… that must be so hard to deal with.
Dennis Metcalf: It’s a real struggle. I mean, whoever built these iPhones, I don’t know what they were thinking!
Caitlin Owens: Let’s ask them. Joining us now are three peasant laborers from the factory in China where these iPhones were manufactured.
Dennis Metcalf: [ his eyes grow wide ] Say what?
Caitlin Owens: Please welcome Mashu Quin, Li Hai, and Shu Chow. [ the frowning peasants are revealed ] Thanks for joining us.
Shu Chow: Hi.
Mashu Quin: good to see you.
Li Hai: This should be fun.
Dennis Metcalf: Can I leave?
Caitlin Owens: No, you may not!
Josh Savage: Can we withdraw all our earlier complaints?
Caitlin Owens: Absolutely not, this is a trap! So, Mr. Chow — Josh here was just complaining about… Apple Maps.
Josh Savage: [ worried ] Uh — uh — uh, it wasn’t really a complaint…
Shu Chow: Ohhhhh. Talk about Apple Map. It won’t work, right? It take you to wrong place? You want Starbuck, it take you to Dunkin Donut? That must be… so hard for you!
Li Hai: Oh, yeah. You want Macy, it take you to J.C. Penney? Ohhhh! How you deal with that?
Mashu Quin: Oh! I guess we just lucky, you know, we don’t need map. You know, because we sleep where we work? Yeah, but thank you for pointing out problem.
Josh Savage: I-I-I-I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry.
Caitlin Owens: And you guys were complaining a lot about the apps, right? That they were loading too slow?
Josh Savage: Oh, no…
Dennis Metcalf: No, no, no…
Adrienne Terzoli: They’re wonderful!
Shu Chow: Uh-oh! Your apps run too slow? You can’t play Angry Bird? Yeah, I have an angry bird, too — a chicken in a factory tried to steal my LUNCH!
Li Hai: Ohhh, Twitter run too slow? You can’t read Kardashian tweet about handbag? My brother have handbag, too — he lose hand, keep it in BAG until he can afford to re-attach!
Adrienne Terzoli: We didn’t mean to offend you. There were just some bugs with the new phone.
Shu Chow: Oh! You upset with bug? They’re too many bug in phone, yeah? I sleep in communal bunk bed with HUNDRED stranger! Lice are BEST bug I get! Lice are BEST!
Caitlin Owens: Here’s a quote from your web site, Josh!
Josh Savage: Oh, please don’t read that! please don’t read that!
Caitlin Owens: It says: “I can’t believe I waited six hours in lnie for this piece of crap.”
Shu Chow: Oh! Oh, you wait in line for six hours! That sounds tough! One time, she wait in line twenty-one days for a baby forumla!
Mashu Quin: You know, food to feed baby?
Shu Chow: So very similar, yes!
Dennis Metcalf: Look, we’re sorry, okay? It’s just, the iPhone 4 seemed to work better?
Shu Chow: Hey, you know what? We are being unfair. There are legitimate problem with new iPhone. So, go ahead — make complaint.
Dennis Metcalf: You sure?
Shu Chow: Sure! Go ahead! We all friends!
Dennis Metcalf: Okay, um… well… the casing scratches very easily…[ suddenly, Li Hai is playing a sad lament on a skinny violin ]
Shu Chow: Do you mind? Li Hai going to play sad Chinese violin from New York subway while you complain… and Mashu Quin going to perform traditional sarcastic dance. [ Mashu Quin stands to perform her dance ] Go ahead!
Dennis Metcalf: [ ashamed ] Uh — You know what? Uh — I think I’d rather just stay quiet.
Shu Chow: That’s a good idea, Einstein! Okay, we’re done shaming him now.
Caitlin Owens: And, finally — would you guys like to complain about an American product?
Mashu Quin: Hmm…
Li Hai: Oh, that’s good question…
Shu Chow: Let’s see… what does America make? Let’s see… does diabetes count as a product? If not, we have to get back to you.
Caitlin Owens: Alright, let’s take a break! When we return, more humiliation on… “Tech Talk”![ dissolve to title card, fade ]