SNL Transcripts: Bruno Mars: 10/20/12: Merryville Haunted Castle



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 5






















12e: Bruno Mars

Merryville Haunted Castle

Kelly…..Vanessa Bayer
Peter…..Jay Pharoah
Robots…..Taran Killam, Bruno Mars, Bill Hader, Tom Hanks
Repairman…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior footage of amusement park ] [ dissolve to interior, Merry-Go-Trolley ride, as a couple rolls through ]

Kelly: Peter, you promise this isn’t going to be too scary? I hate haunted houses.

Peter: [ chuckling ] Come on, Kelly. The Merryville Haunted Castle is a kid’s ride. Nothing’s gonna happen. [ a beat ] BOO!! [ he chuckles ]

Kelly: Peter, DON’T do that!

Peter: I’m sorry, Sweetie. Hey, look. [ he points ] It’s the Merryville Brothers!

[ two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise with horns and a tambourine to perform in an eerie manner ]

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all lower back behind the wall ]

Peter: [ laughing ] Those guys crack me up!

Kelly: Well, they creep me out.

Peter: Okay, Miss Scaredy-Pants.

[ suddenly, the ride shorts out ]

Kelly: What was that?

Peter: I don’t know.

[ Repairman enters ]

Repairman: Hey — sorry, folks. We’re just having a little texchnical issue with the generator. But, don’t worry — [ he shines the flashlight in his face ] We’ll… take… good CARRRRE… of you![ he laughs maniacally ] Okay, hang tight!

[ he exits ]

Kelly: That was weird. Why did he do that?

Peter: Baby, it’s fine, okay?

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again and perform in an eerie manner ]

Kelly: Oh, no…

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all stare at the couple ]

Kelly: [ uneasy ] Why are they staring at us?

Peter: Babe, how can they stare at us? They’re not even — they’re robots! Come on!

Kelly: Okay, that one’s smoking.

[ reveal second robot holding a lit cigarette ]

Peter: [ scoffing ] He’s probably on break, okay? Hey! Hey! [ he tosses popcorn at the robots ] Get out of here!

Kelly: Don’t do that! You’re gonna make them mad! You’re gonna — you’re gonna make them MAD right now, okay?

[ the first robots points at Peter, then runs his finger across his neck as all three robots lower back behind the wall ]

Kelly: [ freaking out ] Oh, my God! Did you see that?!

Peter: Yeahhhh. They went down. The ride’s probably fixed.

[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again, armed with knives, and perform in an eerie manner, reaching out to almost touch the couple ]

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

Kelly: Oh, my God! They’re trying to KILL US!!

Peter: I — I — I don’t see it!

Kelly: They have WEAPONS!!

[ third robot rises while revving up a chainsaw, as the robots sing a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all stare at the couple ]

Kelly: [ freaking out ] Okay, you know what?! That’s ENOUGH!! We have to get out of here!

Peter: Baby, you’re getting paranoid.

Kelly: Oh, my God! Your name is on that tombstone!

Peter: Peter is a common name.

Kelly: Okay — well, it’s also got your picture!

[ reveal tombstone with Peter’s face on it ]

Repairman: Okay, folks, we’re getting real close on fixing the ride.

Kelly: Okay, hurry up! They’re trying to kill ME and MY BOYFRIEND!

Peter: [ holding his hands up ] Whoa, whoa, whoa… boyfriend? Hey, slow down, we just having fun.

Repairman: [ chuckling ] Ma’am, I assure you — there is nothing to be nervous about. I have worked here for a very long time, and —

[ suddenly, he gasps and falls over, a butcher knife lodged in his spine ] [ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again ]

Kelly: Oh, my God!

Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”

Kelly: Oh, my God, there’s ANOTHER one!

[ a fourth robot appears behind the couple, brandishing pruning shears, then three of the robots lurch toward the couple ]

Kelly: Oh, no! I – just — what do we do?

[ the robots pull Peter from the ride ]

Kelly: Oh, my God! What do we do? Don’t let them take you!

Peter: I’ll meet you outside!

Kelly: Don’t let them take you!

[ the fourth robot sits next to Kelly ]

Kelly: Oh, my God! oh! [ she smiles ] You know what? I know I should be scared… but you have a very lovable face.

Fourth Merryville Brother: I… get that… a lot! [ his hand reaches over to cup her breast ]

Kelly: [ trying to stop him ] Okay!

[ the ride continues down its track, as the camera pans away and a bloody “THE END” superimposes onto the screen with the jingle ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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