Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 5
Merryville Haunted Castle
Robots…..Taran Killam, Bruno Mars, Bill Hader, Tom Hanks
Kelly: Peter, you promise this isn’t going to be too scary? I hate haunted houses.
Peter: [ chuckling ] Come on, Kelly. The Merryville Haunted Castle is a kid’s ride. Nothing’s gonna happen. [ a beat ] BOO!! [ he chuckles ]
Kelly: Peter, DON’T do that!
Peter: I’m sorry, Sweetie. Hey, look. [ he points ] It’s the Merryville Brothers!
Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all lower back behind the wall ]
Peter: [ laughing ] Those guys crack me up!
Kelly: Well, they creep me out.
Peter: Okay, Miss Scaredy-Pants.[ suddenly, the ride shorts out ]
Kelly: What was that?
Peter: I don’t know.
Repairman: Hey — sorry, folks. We’re just having a little texchnical issue with the generator. But, don’t worry — [ he shines the flashlight in his face ] We’ll… take… good CARRRRE… of you![ he laughs maniacally ] Okay, hang tight![ he exits ]
Kelly: That was weird. Why did he do that?
Peter: Baby, it’s fine, okay?
Kelly: Oh, no…
Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”[ third robot rises to bang a triangle with a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all stare at the couple ]
Kelly: [ uneasy ] Why are they staring at us?
Peter: Babe, how can they stare at us? They’re not even — they’re robots! Come on!
Kelly: Okay, that one’s smoking.[ reveal second robot holding a lit cigarette ]
Peter: [ scoffing ] He’s probably on break, okay? Hey! Hey! [ he tosses popcorn at the robots ] Get out of here!
Kelly: Don’t do that! You’re gonna make them mad! You’re gonna — you’re gonna make them MAD right now, okay?[ the first robots points at Peter, then runs his finger across his neck as all three robots lower back behind the wall ]
Kelly: [ freaking out ] Oh, my God! Did you see that?!
Peter: Yeahhhh. They went down. The ride’s probably fixed.[ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again, armed with knives, and perform in an eerie manner, reaching out to almost touch the couple ]
Jingle: “Ghosts and ghouls and spooky fools will terrify your dreams! You can’t escape the scary fate of a Merryville Halloween!”
Kelly: Oh, my God! They’re trying to KILL US!!
Peter: I — I — I don’t see it!
Kelly: They have WEAPONS!![ third robot rises while revving up a chainsaw, as the robots sing a collective “BOO-OO-OO!!”, then they all stare at the couple ]
Kelly: [ freaking out ] Okay, you know what?! That’s ENOUGH!! We have to get out of here!
Peter: Baby, you’re getting paranoid.
Kelly: Oh, my God! Your name is on that tombstone!
Peter: Peter is a common name.
Kelly: Okay — well, it’s also got your picture![ reveal tombstone with Peter’s face on it ]
Repairman: Okay, folks, we’re getting real close on fixing the ride.
Kelly: Okay, hurry up! They’re trying to kill ME and MY BOYFRIEND!
Peter: [ holding his hands up ] Whoa, whoa, whoa… boyfriend? Hey, slow down, we just having fun.
Repairman: [ chuckling ] Ma’am, I assure you — there is nothing to be nervous about. I have worked here for a very long time, and —[ suddenly, he gasps and falls over, a butcher knife lodged in his spine ] [ suddenly, the two Merry-Go-Brother robots rise again ]
Kelly: Oh, my God!
Kelly: Oh, my God, there’s ANOTHER one![ a fourth robot appears behind the couple, brandishing pruning shears, then three of the robots lurch toward the couple ]
Kelly: Oh, no! I – just — what do we do?[ the robots pull Peter from the ride ]
Kelly: Oh, my God! What do we do? Don’t let them take you!
Peter: I’ll meet you outside!
Kelly: Don’t let them take you![ the fourth robot sits next to Kelly ]
Kelly: Oh, my God! oh! [ she smiles ] You know what? I know I should be scared… but you have a very lovable face.
Fourth Merryville Brother: I… get that… a lot! [ his hand reaches over to cup her breast ]
Kelly: [ trying to stop him ] Okay![ the ride continues down its track, as the camera pans away and a bloody “THE END” superimposes onto the screen with the jingle ] [ fade ]