Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 6
Fox and Friends
Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Donald Trump…..Jason Sudeikis
Dave Pryor…..Louis C.K.
AnnouncerBrian Kilmeade: You’re watching “Fox & Friends”.
Steve DoocyBrian Kilmeade: Welcome back to “Fox & Friends”, I’m Steve Doocy. Joining me as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade.
Gretchen Carlson: Hello.
Brian Kilmeade: Good morning.
Steve Doocy: Well, we are on day seven of the recovery after Hurricane Sandy, the worst disaster the country has ever seen. All taking place under the Obama administration.
Gretchen Carlson: Its amazing, were now hearing that Obama knew about the storm days in advance!
Steve Doocy: And he did nothing to stop it!
Brian Kilmeade: Its terrible! My car is completely underwater.
Gretchen Carlson: Is your street flooded?
Brian Kilmeade: No, I was texting while driving and I went straight into the Hudson.
Steve Doocy: You gotta be careful out there. Joining us now, it’s our regular Monday guest — Donald Trump.
Donald Trump: Hi, guys! Hi there! I’m very, very happy to have you to have me on your show. Okay. I tweeted about it, so get ready for a giant spike in your ratings.
Steve Doocy: Alright! Mr. Trump, you’ve been doing so many great things for this city during this crisis.
Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. It’s been a terrible tragedy, but I wanna put all of New Yorkers minds at ease: Hurricane Sandy has in no way affected the shooting of this year’s “Celebrity Apprentice: All Stars”.
Gretchen Carlson: That is such a relief, Donald. Now, last week you said you’d give 5 million dollars to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. But the president missed your deadline.
Donald Trump: That’s right, Gretchen. So I’m here to make another exclusive bombshell announcement. I have it on good authority from an African national that I met at a Rainforest Cafe that President Obama has been texting with some of the world’s top terrorists including: Abu Nazir, Jafar and the Riddler.
Gretchen Carlson: Wow! That is so…
Steve Doocy: Hold on, Donald. Aren’t those fictional characters?
Donald Trump: Well, if they are, then release the records, Mr. President! It’s that easy! If you do, I will give one million dollars to my charity — “Trump’s Buddies” — which pay inner city kids to throw garbage at Rosie O’Donnell.
Gretchen Carlson: You are amazingly generous, Mr. Trump. Let’s hope the president believes in charity more than his own lies.
Brian Kilmeade: I love charity! I recently donated $500 dollars to the WNBA and in return they gave me seats to the game.
Gretchen Carlson: I think you might have just bought tickets, Brian.
Brian Kilmeade: I don’t know.
Steve Doocy: Well, if you’re still picking up after Sandy, we here at Fox have been helping you out this week with our hurricane tips. Here to help us is a deputy for the Federal Emergency Management Agency – Dave Pryor. [ Dave steps out ] Welcome, Dave, nice to meet you. [ Dave shakes hands with Steve and Gretchen, Brian just waves his hand at him ] He doesn’t shake, have a seat.
Dave Pryor: Okay.
Steve Doocy: Thanks for coming, Dave. What do people need to know if their power is still out or their homes are flooded?
Donald Pryor: Well, the first thing you wanna do is avoid standing in flood waters because they can be contaminated with oil and rust sewage…
Steve Doocy: [ interrupting ] Absolutely! Or sharks or AIDS.
Dave Pryor: No, not sharks or AIDS. That’s…
Brian Kilmeade: What about piranhas with AIDS? Which I call “par-ades”?
Dave Pryor: No. But the bottom line is: If your neighbourhood is flooded, just stay inside…
Gretchen Carlson: [ Interrupting ] Okay, now, right, I heard that if you have a pet, don’t take it outside to do his business, just wrap it in a towel and squeeze it like a tube of toothpaste.
Dave Pryor: Okay, well, um… also keep a flashlight and water handy…
Steve Doocy: Yes, but don’t put the flashlight in the water. Brian found that out the hard way.
Brian Kilmeade: Ha, ha, ha! I was playing submarine in my bathtub and I ended up in the ER — but watch what happens when I touch my fingers. [ he touches his index fingers together and an electric sound is heard ]
Dave Pryor: Also: If you lose power, please get rid of your perishable food.
Gretchen Carlson: Or give your food to charity.
Dave Pryor: No, no, no! Not if it’s perishable. You have to throw it away.
Steve Doocy: Well, but you know what they say: It’s better to drink spoiled milk than no milk at all.
Dave Pryor: Nobody says that at all. That’s a terrible, irresponsible…
Brian Kilmeade: I threw out my milk and now I dunk my cookies in shampoo.
Dave Pryor: Just remember: If you’re having problems after Sandy, please call the FEMA hotline.
Steve Doocy: You know what? Or better yet, a local business person. Folks, remember: The government ALWAYS makes things worse!
Brian Kilmeade: Always, absolutely!
Dave Pryor: But that’s not the government… that’s me…
Steve Doocy: Well, thanks for coming, Dave, we appreciate it.
Dave Pryor: Oh, okay. [ He gets up and leaves ]
Steve Doocy: Alright! We have to take a quick break.
Gretchen Carlson: But, first, our fact checkers have finished combing over the first two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections.
[ text quickly scrolls up the screen:
Transitions lenses do not reverse the gender of your eyes.
Sandy Duncan did not sponsor the hurricane.
There are many black people, not just one who is a master of disguise.
Brian Kilmeade did not invent the term “smoke’em if you got’em”.
Not all pigs are born with human feet.
Angela Merkel is not the female version of Steve Urkel.
It is permissible to say the word “Mexican” on television.
There is no celebrity named Rape Romano.
Condoms work every day of the week. Not just Tuesdays.
Trees do not have bones.
There are a finite number of people in China.
Burritos are not male tacos.
The Constitution is a living document, but it cannot walk around.
Chef Boyardee is not the Prime Minister of Italy. He is the Vice President.
Paul Ryan is not faster than a cheetah.
FEMA is not slang for “female”.
Many Hispanics own their own cars.
The Statue of Liberty was not a gift from Santa.
At no point has Dorf been the number one golfer in the world.
Lance Armstrong did not trade a testicle for steroids.
Michael J. Fox does not have “multiple sandwiches”.
Apple Maps is not a map showing where the apples are.
8 is a multiple of 4.
Women’s vaginas are below their waists.
Kris Krostie is not Chris Christie with his pants on backwards.
Afi Komen was never the U.N. Secretary General.
“Haitian” does not mean half-Asian.
Last Wednesday was Halloween. Not a ghost invasion.
Mr. Met has never announced a preference for any religion over the other.
Chef Boyardee is not the Vice President of Italy. ]
Brian Kilmeade: We’ll see you after this quick break.
[ fade ]
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