SNL Transcripts: Louis C.K.: 11/03/12: Hotel Fees


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Hotel Fees

Clerk…..Louis C.K.
Businessman…..Bobby Moynihan
Thief…..Fred Armisen

[ open on interior, front desk, Hotel 55 ]

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Can I help you?

Businessman: Uh, I’m checking out of Room 809, please.

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Was everything satisfactory?

Businessman: Uhhh… yeah. Look, I’m sorry — I’m in a hurry, I’m running late for a flight, so… if w could just speed this up?

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Was everything satisfactory? And I just need to review your accounts and then have you sign the incidentals.

Businessman: That’s fine.

Clerk: One night at ou standard rate: $119.

Businessman: Yes.

Clerk: State tax comes to $9.52.

Businessman: Okay.

Clerk: Facility fee: $15.

Businessman: It’s fine. I don’t care! I just need to get to tge airport, so if you could just put it on the credit card that you have on file…

Clerk: We don’t want to overcharge you, Sir. Three-minute phone call: $4.22.

Businessman: Okay. Sounds right.

Clerk: One dinner buffet billed to the room: $15.

Businessman: Sure!

Clerk: One glass of wine with the buffet: $9.

Businessman: okay, this all sounds fine, but I REALLY have to go, I have a cab waiting!

Clerk: Only a few more charges to review. One night of Internet access: $7.95. Six diamonds: $75,000. Daily newspaper: $1.50…

Businessman: I’m sorry — what did you say about diamonds?

Clerk: Six pristine Bengali diamonds, Sir hand-delivered on a pillow of the finest Oriental silk: $75,000. Newspaper: $1.50…

Businessman: Okay, I-I… I didn’t order six diamonds.

Clerk: Then, I’ll remove the charge, Sir. This is why it’s very important to review the bill.

Businessman: Thank you.

Clerk: Okay. Booking fee: $12.

Businessman: Yes.

Clerk: Occupancy tax: $1.

Businessman: Okay.

Clerk: Safe fee: $3.

Businessman: Weird, but… sure. Look, I’m sorry — I REAL have to go!

Clerk: Did you have Room Service for breakfast?

Businessman: Yeah, I… I had the Sunshine Combo?

Clerk: The Sunshine Combo. Half a grapefruit, two eggs…

Businessman: The Combo, yes.

Clerk: …A breafast meat, your choice of coffee or orange juice…

Businessman: Yes! The Combo!

Clerk: …Hash brown potatoes…

Businessman: Yes!

Clerk: $9.95, Sir.

Businessman: That’s great.

Clerk: A toothbrush…

Businessman: I’m sorry? You charge for that?

Clerk: It’s complimentary, but we do list it on the receipt.

Businessman: I see.

Clerk: Two aspirin: $2. A suit pressed: $18. Sixteen cubmic meters of argon: $65.

Businessman: Okay, I’m sorry — what was that last thing?

Clerk: Argon, Sir. It’s a noble gas.

Businessman: Yeah. I — I didn’t get any argon.

Clerk: It’s a colorless, odorless gas, Sir. How can you be entirely sure?

Businessman: I guess I don’t know!

Clerk: A bottle of water: $2. Housekeeping gratuity: $4. Excuse me, Sir, but did you remove the taxidermied bobcat from your room?

Businessman: I’m sorry? The what?

Clerk: The medium-sized stuffed mountain lion obn the mantel. Many customers msitake it for their own and they pack it by accident.

Businessman: No. [ he holds up a small bag ] I just have this little guy. I don’t think it would fit.

Clerk: Are you quite sure, Sir? The maid has reported it missing from your room, and, in this case, there would be a charge incurred.

Businessman: How much?

Clerk: Twelve cents.

Businessman: That’s fine. Just charge me for the bobcat.

Clerk: You could just return it, Sir.

Businessman: I don’t have it. I didn’t… I didn’t even see it in the room…

Clerk: Very well, Sir. That charge will stand. In-room entertainment package: $119,000.

Businessman: I just watched “The Avengers”. It was, like, $7.

Clerk: Yes, Sir. There is an option where you can choose to either pay $7 or $119,000.

Businessman: Okay. Then, I picked $7.

Clerk: Very well, Sir. You’d be the first one to choose that price.

Businessman: I… find that hard to believe.

[ suddenly, a Thief breeze past with the taxidermied bobcat in his hands ]

Businessman: Wait, wait… isn’t that your…? Okay, I do NOT have time for that at all.

Clerk: Visit with our tax advisor?

Businessman: That did not happen.

Clerk: He may have peeked in while you were sleeping.

Businessman: Uh… that creeps me out, but I didn’t notice him.

Clerk: But he’ll be very disappointed to hear that. But I’ll remove the charge. Would you like to donate $1 for the Relief Fund for Hurricane Sandy Victims?

Businessman: Sure!

Clerk: $1. That’s very generous, Sir.

Businessman: Whart? I mean… you suggested it…

Clerk: Okay, your receipt is printing.

Businessman: I don’t need a receipt.

Clerk: Nearly printed. [ he glances at the printer as it rattles ] And it’s jammed, Sir. I’ll print you another.

Businessman: That’s okay. Don’t worry about it. [ he glances at his watch ] And look at that, I’ve missed my flight!

Clerk: Will you be needing lodging tonight, Sir?

Businessman: Yes, please.

Clerk: Alright. Let’s go through that…

[ they crack up laughing, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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