SNL Transcripts: Louis C.K.: 11/03/12: Hotel Fees



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6






12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Hotel Fees

Clerk…..Louis C.K.
Businessman…..Bobby Moynihan
Thief…..Fred Armisen

[ open on interior, front desk, Hotel 55 ]

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Can I help you?

Businessman: Uh, I’m checking out of Room 809, please.

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Was everything satisfactory?

Businessman: Uhhh… yeah. Look, I’m sorry — I’m in a hurry, I’m running late for a flight, so… if w could just speed this up?

Clerk: Yes, Sir. Was everything satisfactory? And I just need to review your accounts and then have you sign the incidentals.

Businessman: That’s fine.

Clerk: One night at ou standard rate: $119.

Businessman: Yes.

Clerk: State tax comes to $9.52.

Businessman: Okay.

Clerk: Facility fee: $15.

Businessman: It’s fine. I don’t care! I just need to get to tge airport, so if you could just put it on the credit card that you have on file…

Clerk: We don’t want to overcharge you, Sir. Three-minute phone call: $4.22.

Businessman: Okay. Sounds right.

Clerk: One dinner buffet billed to the room: $15.

Businessman: Sure!

Clerk: One glass of wine with the buffet: $9.

Businessman: okay, this all sounds fine, but I REALLY have to go, I have a cab waiting!

Clerk: Only a few more charges to review. One night of Internet access: $7.95. Six diamonds: $75,000. Daily newspaper: $1.50…

Businessman: I’m sorry — what did you say about diamonds?

Clerk: Six pristine Bengali diamonds, Sir hand-delivered on a pillow of the finest Oriental silk: $75,000. Newspaper: $1.50…

Businessman: Okay, I-I… I didn’t order six diamonds.

Clerk: Then, I’ll remove the charge, Sir. This is why it’s very important to review the bill.

Businessman: Thank you.

Clerk: Okay. Booking fee: $12.

Businessman: Yes.

Clerk: Occupancy tax: $1.

Businessman: Okay.

Clerk: Safe fee: $3.

Businessman: Weird, but… sure. Look, I’m sorry — I REAL have to go!

Clerk: Did you have Room Service for breakfast?

Businessman: Yeah, I… I had the Sunshine Combo?

Clerk: The Sunshine Combo. Half a grapefruit, two eggs…

Businessman: The Combo, yes.

Clerk: …A breafast meat, your choice of coffee or orange juice…

Businessman: Yes! The Combo!

Clerk: …Hash brown potatoes…

Businessman: Yes!

Clerk: $9.95, Sir.

Businessman: That’s great.

Clerk: A toothbrush…

Businessman: I’m sorry? You charge for that?

Clerk: It’s complimentary, but we do list it on the receipt.

Businessman: I see.

Clerk: Two aspirin: $2. A suit pressed: $18. Sixteen cubmic meters of argon: $65.

Businessman: Okay, I’m sorry — what was that last thing?

Clerk: Argon, Sir. It’s a noble gas.

Businessman: Yeah. I — I didn’t get any argon.

Clerk: It’s a colorless, odorless gas, Sir. How can you be entirely sure?

Businessman: I guess I don’t know!

Clerk: A bottle of water: $2. Housekeeping gratuity: $4. Excuse me, Sir, but did you remove the taxidermied bobcat from your room?

Businessman: I’m sorry? The what?

Clerk: The medium-sized stuffed mountain lion obn the mantel. Many customers msitake it for their own and they pack it by accident.

Businessman: No. [ he holds up a small bag ] I just have this little guy. I don’t think it would fit.

Clerk: Are you quite sure, Sir? The maid has reported it missing from your room, and, in this case, there would be a charge incurred.

Businessman: How much?

Clerk: Twelve cents.

Businessman: That’s fine. Just charge me for the bobcat.

Clerk: You could just return it, Sir.

Businessman: I don’t have it. I didn’t… I didn’t even see it in the room…

Clerk: Very well, Sir. That charge will stand. In-room entertainment package: $119,000.

Businessman: I just watched “The Avengers”. It was, like, $7.

Clerk: Yes, Sir. There is an option where you can choose to either pay $7 or $119,000.

Businessman: Okay. Then, I picked $7.

Clerk: Very well, Sir. You’d be the first one to choose that price.

Businessman: I… find that hard to believe.

[ suddenly, a Thief breeze past with the taxidermied bobcat in his hands ]

Businessman: Wait, wait… isn’t that your…? Okay, I do NOT have time for that at all.

Clerk: Visit with our tax advisor?

Businessman: That did not happen.

Clerk: He may have peeked in while you were sleeping.

Businessman: Uh… that creeps me out, but I didn’t notice him.

Clerk: But he’ll be very disappointed to hear that. But I’ll remove the charge. Would you like to donate $1 for the Relief Fund for Hurricane Sandy Victims?

Businessman: Sure!

Clerk: $1. That’s very generous, Sir.

Businessman: Whart? I mean… you suggested it…

Clerk: Okay, your receipt is printing.

Businessman: I don’t need a receipt.

Clerk: Nearly printed. [ he glances at the printer as it rattles ] And it’s jammed, Sir. I’ll print you another.

Businessman: That’s okay. Don’t worry about it. [ he glances at his watch ] And look at that, I’ve missed my flight!

Clerk: Will you be needing lodging tonight, Sir?

Businessman: Yes, please.

Clerk: Alright. Let’s go through that…

[ they crack up laughing, as the scene fades ]

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