SNL Transcripts: Louis C.K.: 11/03/12: Last Call



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 6










12f: Louis C.K. / fun.

Last Call

Bartender…..Kenan Thompson
Sheila Sovage…..Kate McKinnon
Dan Pants…..Louis C.K.

[ open on exterior, Donnelly’s ] [ dissolve to interior, bar, closing time ]

Bartender: Okay, last call, people! Looks like you two struck out! Want to just go ahead and close up your tabs, and put your toys away?

Sheila Sovage: If it’s still within my rights as a patron, I’d like one more bellini. I mean, what do I have to prooze, right? [ she laughs ]

Dan Pants: I’ll have another Tequila and egg whites…

Bartender: Great.

Dan Pants: [ to Sheila ] Hey, can I, uh… can I scoot over, or are you saving this… seat?

Sheila Sovage: You know, there was a husky Italian sitting there, who recently got up to vomit.

Dan Pants: Well, I already vomited, so…

Sheila Sovage: Okay. [ she signals him over as their drinks arrives ] Heya, Closing Act! And you are…?

Dan Pants: Dan Pants. What’s your name?

Sheila Sovage: Oh, me? I’m Sheila Sovage.

Dan Pants: Well, Seila Shovage, let me ask you —

Sheila Sovage: Yeah?

Dan Pants: Where are you from?

Sheila Sovage: Oh, me? I’m born in Guam, raised in Annapolis.

Dan Pants: No way!

Sheila Sovage: Yeah!

Dan Pants: There is no way!

Sheila Sovage: Well, I know! Where are you from?

Dan Pants: Because I’m from Northern California!

Sheila Sovage: NO!! [ she slaps the counter ]

Dan Pants: YES!! [ he slaps the counter ]

Sheila Sovage: NO!! [ she slaps the counter ]

Dan Pants: YES!! [ he slaps the counter ] Okay, this is FREAKY! This is so FREAKY!

Sheila Sovage: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dan Pants: Because, let me ask you this…

Sheila Sovage: Yeah?

Dan Pants: What did you have for lunch today? But, together, at the same time. Baby food!

Sheila Sovage: Candy corn! What is happening?! What?!

[ the Bartender is stunned ]

Dan Pants: This is…

Sheila Sovage: So, uh… so what is, uh… whoo! What is it that you do professionally, Dan Pants?

Dan Pants: I am an exotic… animal… coroner!

Sheila Sovage: You say it ain’t so!

Dan Pants: Why, what is your trade?

Sheila Sovage: Uh, I don’t work — I’m awaiting trial.

Dan Pants: Wow! Wow! It’s like you’re seeing things… and then… but, what I’m hearing… is she’s a woman and she has breasts and stuff!

Sheila Sovage: Hey, not me! I’m hearing my own voice saying, “I don’t care what he looks like, I have MASSIVE needs!”

Bartender: Hey! You… you know what I need? To get about four hours of sleep before my baby wakes up. So why don’t you guys just drink up, and go do it?

Dan Pants: Sounds like the Lightning Round has passed! Okay?

Sheila Sovage: What have you got?

Dan Pants: What religion are you?

Sheila Sovage: I’m a former Presybyterian minister.

Dan Pants: No way! Because I’m a WICCAN!!

Sheila Sovage: No!

Dan Pants: We’ve got SOMETHING…. this is such, uh… [ he points at her crotch ] This is CRAZY!!

Sheila Sovage: Oh, you are… you are doing stuff, Buster… and you are… looking ways…

Dan Pants: You are being here… and having limbs, all of them…

Sheila Sovage: Hey, can I say something from the heart, Dan Pants? You are so… the only man left here, Dan! And I LOVE that!

Dan Pants: And, all night, I’ve been over there. Remember? When I kept looking at you, and I was, like… “Eh…” But, now? Now, it’s like… “Her…? Okay.” It’s like, you know…?

Sheila Sovage: Yeah, you know what? This is where we dive deep, man! This is — there’s no turning back now. [ she puckers up ]

Dan Pants: May I kiss… my mouth upon your particular mouth… part of your face?

Sheila Sovage: Red Rover, Red Rover… you send that mouth right over!

[ they proceed to kiss and lick all over one another’s faces, much to the extreme horror of the Bartender ]

Dan Pants: Wow. That, uh… that was unworkable.

Sheila Sovage: Yeah. I give it two vaginas down. [ she points her thumbs down ]

Dan Pants: Boy, I guess that’s that…

Sheila Sovage: Yep.

Dan Pants: We just have to do it Adam and Eve style without kissing!

Sheila Sovage: Yep.

Dan Pants: We;’ll go to your place to seal the deal. Let’s go.

Sheila Sovage: No, no… I am between places right now. We’re gonna have to go to your place.

Dan Pants: There is no such place.

Sheila Sovage: Okay. Then we will search until we find a spot or a nook with the least amount of broken glass, my friend.

Dan Pants: Great! Just hoist yourself upon my hips like a sack of groceries… and then we will leave this particular…

[ she jumps in his arms as he carries her out the door ]

Sheila Sovage: [ to the Bartender ] Thank you!

[ once outside, they press themselves against the bar’s window and proceed to get busy, as the Bartender runs over and sprray paints the glass to cover the view ]

Bartender: Hey, I don’t want to KNOW how that pans out!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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