SNL Transcripts: Louis C.K.: 11/03/12: Lincoln

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.


Abraham Lincoln…..Louis C.K.
Freedman Jones…..Kenan Thompson
Mary Todd Lincoln…..Aidy Bryant
Freedman Jenkins…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on Freedman Jones sitting in a tavern, as Abraham Lincoln enters and sits next to him ]

Abraham Lincoln: [ to the bartender ] Can I get a coffee?

[ the bartender hands Lincoln a coffee in a pewter mug ]

Abraham Lincoln: Thank you. [ glancing at Jones ] Hey.

Freedman Jones: [ disinterested ] Mmm-hmm.

Abraham Lincoln: How’s it going? You going — it’s going good, huh?

Freedman Jones: I’m sorry?

Abraham Lincoln: It’s just, uh… you know, you’re all emancipated. It’s good, right? I’m, uh…

Freedman Jones: I know who you are.

Abraham Lincoln: Oh? Okay. Oh. I just…

Freedman Jones: [ standing ] Hey! Everybody? Hey! I just want to thank

Abraham Lincoln: No, no…

Freedman Jones: President Lincoln here for, uh… for everything that he’s done for me! Especially my NEW job — of shoveling HORSE SHIT… into a wagon!

[ Lincoln appears stung ]

Freedman Jones: [ sitting ] Is that what you want?

Abraham Lincoln: I-I just don’t… I don’t have any…

Freedman Jones: You don’t have any…?

Abraham Lincoln: Black friends.

Freedman Jones: [ to the bartender, as he stands to leave ] He’s gonna pay for this. [ to Lincoln ] Hard to be you!

[ cut to “Lincoln” theme song, “Louie, Louie, Louie…” lyrics replaced with “Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln…” ] [ Lincoln runs up a subway platform ] [ SUPER: “LINCOLN” ] [ Lincoln runs into a calzone shop ] [ SUPER: “STARRING ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ as he eats his calzone, a passerby gives Lincoln the middle finger ] [ SUPER: “EDITED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ Lincoln heads into the Comedy Cellar ] [ SUPER: “TELEPLAY BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ]

Abraham Lincoln: The one thing I’m really tired of… is… arguing with slave owners about slavery. As if they’re not just fucking assholes! Like that’s realllly hard. And they’re like, “Oh! But I like owning people!” “Yeah, no, no… I get it. I totally get that.” Like you gotta act like you’re kinda cool with it. “No, look — if I could own a couple of dudes, I’d LOVE to own a couple of dudes! I totally get it.” You gotta act like this is… like a 50-50 issue. You know, I just kinda think… that owning a person… is NOT cool, you stupid dick!

[ cut to Lincoln at home with Mary Todd ]

Mary Todd Lincoln: Do you have the tickets?

Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, I have the tickets.

Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well, don’t just “Yeah, I have the tickets.” Like, I don;t wnt to show up and then not have the tickets.

Abraham Lincoln: I HAVE them! I mean, they’re gonna let us in. It’s fine.

Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well… I’m just saying, I don’t want to get there, and then they just won’t let us in without a ticket…

Abraham Lincoln: They’ll let us in! They’ll let us in! I’m the PRESIDENT!

Mary Todd Lincoln: Oh. Okay. So, then, they’ll just give you special treatment because you’re “The President”. Like, when does it stop, you know?

Abraham Lincoln: It stops AT the President! Okay? If you’re the President — or higher — you get in stuff, tickets or not! Everybody else, no; me, yes!

[ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ]

Abraham Lincoln: I’m married now. My wife is, uh… is crazy. Literally… historically insane. One thing I’m really sure of… is that somebody’s gonna murder me. I just KNOW… I’m totally getting murdered! This is not even a question. Like when they murder me — whoever murders me — when I get murdered… it’s just gonna say: “It Happened!” And you’re just gonna know what “It” is. And then, I don’t… you know who I feel bad for? The detective who has to try to solve my murder. Because they’re gonna go, “Let’s see, who might… who might have done it? Oh, I don’t know — everybody from the middle of the country down? Maybe they… maybe one of them did it.” Maybe they had a motive, like I ruined the way they do EVERYTHING?

[ fade to black ] [ SUPER: “CREATED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ return to Lincoln sitting in the tavern, this time with JP ] [ SUPER:

Abraham Lincoln: Hey, uh… it’s cold, huh?

“Unit Production Manager

First Assistant Director

Second Assistant

Abraham Lincoln: Lordy…

Freedman Jenkins: Hey, so no one’s SHOT you yet?

“Original Music by

Abraham Lincoln: [ stung ] No. no, not yet.

[ fade ]

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