Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 6
Abraham Lincoln…..Louis C.K.
Freedman Jones…..Kenan Thompson
Mary Todd Lincoln…..Aidy Bryant
Freedman Jenkins…..Jay Pharoah
[ open on Freedman Jones sitting in a tavern, as Abraham Lincoln enters and sits next to him ]
Abraham Lincoln: [ to the bartender ] Can I get a coffee?[ the bartender hands Lincoln a coffee in a pewter mug ]
Abraham Lincoln: Thank you. [ glancing at Jones ] Hey.
Freedman Jones: [ disinterested ] Mmm-hmm.
Abraham Lincoln: How’s it going? You going — it’s going good, huh?
Freedman Jones: I’m sorry?
Abraham Lincoln: It’s just, uh… you know, you’re all emancipated. It’s good, right? I’m, uh…
Freedman Jones: I know who you are.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh? Okay. Oh. I just…
Freedman Jones: [ standing ] Hey! Everybody? Hey! I just want to thank —
Abraham Lincoln: No, no…
Freedman Jones: President Lincoln here for, uh… for everything that he’s done for me! Especially my NEW job — of shoveling HORSE SHIT… into a wagon![ Lincoln appears stung ]
Freedman Jones: [ sitting ] Is that what you want?
Abraham Lincoln: I-I just don’t… I don’t have any…
Freedman Jones: You don’t have any…?
Abraham Lincoln: Black friends.
Freedman Jones: [ to the bartender, as he stands to leave ] He’s gonna pay for this. [ to Lincoln ] Hard to be you![ cut to “Lincoln” theme song, “Louie, Louie, Louie…” lyrics replaced with “Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln…” ] [ Lincoln runs up a subway platform ] [ SUPER: “LINCOLN” ] [ Lincoln runs into a calzone shop ] [ SUPER: “STARRING ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ as he eats his calzone, a passerby gives Lincoln the middle finger ] [ SUPER: “EDITED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ Lincoln heads into the Comedy Cellar ] [ SUPER: “TELEPLAY BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ]
Abraham Lincoln: The one thing I’m really tired of… is… arguing with slave owners about slavery. As if they’re not just fucking assholes! Like that’s realllly hard. And they’re like, “Oh! But I like owning people!” “Yeah, no, no… I get it. I totally get that.” Like you gotta act like you’re kinda cool with it. “No, look — if I could own a couple of dudes, I’d LOVE to own a couple of dudes! I totally get it.” You gotta act like this is… like a 50-50 issue. You know, I just kinda think… that owning a person… is NOT cool, you stupid dick![ cut to Lincoln at home with Mary Todd ]
Mary Todd Lincoln: Do you have the tickets?
Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, I have the tickets.
Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well, don’t just “Yeah, I have the tickets.” Like, I don;t wnt to show up and then not have the tickets.
Abraham Lincoln: I HAVE them! I mean, they’re gonna let us in. It’s fine.
Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well… I’m just saying, I don’t want to get there, and then they just won’t let us in without a ticket…
Abraham Lincoln: They’ll let us in! They’ll let us in! I’m the PRESIDENT!
Mary Todd Lincoln: Oh. Okay. So, then, they’ll just give you special treatment because you’re “The President”. Like, when does it stop, you know?
Abraham Lincoln: It stops AT the President! Okay? If you’re the President — or higher — you get in stuff, tickets or not! Everybody else, no; me, yes!
Abraham Lincoln: I’m married now. My wife is, uh… is crazy. Literally… historically insane. One thing I’m really sure of… is that somebodys gonna murder me. I just KNOW… I’m totally getting murdered! This is not even a question. Like when they murder me — whoever murders me — when I get murdered… it’s just gonna say: “It Happened!” And you’re just gonna know what “It” is. And then, I don’t… you know who I feel bad for? The detective who has to try to solve my murder. Because they’re gonna go, “Let’s see, who might… who might have done it? Oh, I don’t know — everybody from the middle of the country down? Maybe they… maybe one of them did it.” Maybe they had a motive, like I ruined the way they do EVERYTHING?[ fade to black ] [ SUPER: “CREATED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ return to Lincoln sitting in the tavern, this time with JP ] [ SUPER:
MARY TODD LINCOLN
FREEDMAN JENKINS” ]
Abraham Lincoln: Hey, uh… it’s cold, huh?[ SUPER:
“Unit Production Manager
First Assistant Director
ANDREW JOHNSON” ]
Abraham Lincoln: Lordy…
Freedman Jenkins: Hey, so no one’s SHOT you yet?[ SUPER:
“Original Music by
THOMAS “TAD” LINCOLN” ]
Abraham Lincoln: [ stung ] No. no, not yet.[ fade ]