SNL Transcripts: Louis C.K.: 11/03/12: Lincoln


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 6

12f: Louis C.K. / fun.


Abraham Lincoln…..Louis C.K.
Freedman Jones…..Kenan Thompson
Mary Todd Lincoln…..Aidy Bryant
Freedman Jenkins…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on Freedman Jones sitting in a tavern, as Abraham Lincoln enters and sits next to him ]

Abraham Lincoln: [ to the bartender ] Can I get a coffee?

[ the bartender hands Lincoln a coffee in a pewter mug ]

Abraham Lincoln: Thank you. [ glancing at Jones ] Hey.

Freedman Jones: [ disinterested ] Mmm-hmm.

Abraham Lincoln: How’s it going? You going — it’s going good, huh?

Freedman Jones: I’m sorry?

Abraham Lincoln: It’s just, uh… you know, you’re all emancipated. It’s good, right? I’m, uh…

Freedman Jones: I know who you are.

Abraham Lincoln: Oh? Okay. Oh. I just…

Freedman Jones: [ standing ] Hey! Everybody? Hey! I just want to thank

Abraham Lincoln: No, no…

Freedman Jones: President Lincoln here for, uh… for everything that he’s done for me! Especially my NEW job — of shoveling HORSE SHIT… into a wagon!

[ Lincoln appears stung ]

Freedman Jones: [ sitting ] Is that what you want?

Abraham Lincoln: I-I just don’t… I don’t have any…

Freedman Jones: You don’t have any…?

Abraham Lincoln: Black friends.

Freedman Jones: [ to the bartender, as he stands to leave ] He’s gonna pay for this. [ to Lincoln ] Hard to be you!

[ cut to “Lincoln” theme song, “Louie, Louie, Louie…” lyrics replaced with “Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln…” ] [ Lincoln runs up a subway platform ] [ SUPER: “LINCOLN” ] [ Lincoln runs into a calzone shop ] [ SUPER: “STARRING ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ as he eats his calzone, a passerby gives Lincoln the middle finger ] [ SUPER: “EDITED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ Lincoln heads into the Comedy Cellar ] [ SUPER: “TELEPLAY BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ]

Abraham Lincoln: The one thing I’m really tired of… is… arguing with slave owners about slavery. As if they’re not just fucking assholes! Like that’s realllly hard. And they’re like, “Oh! But I like owning people!” “Yeah, no, no… I get it. I totally get that.” Like you gotta act like you’re kinda cool with it. “No, look — if I could own a couple of dudes, I’d LOVE to own a couple of dudes! I totally get it.” You gotta act like this is… like a 50-50 issue. You know, I just kinda think… that owning a person… is NOT cool, you stupid dick!

[ cut to Lincoln at home with Mary Todd ]

Mary Todd Lincoln: Do you have the tickets?

Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, I have the tickets.

Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well, don’t just “Yeah, I have the tickets.” Like, I don;t wnt to show up and then not have the tickets.

Abraham Lincoln: I HAVE them! I mean, they’re gonna let us in. It’s fine.

Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well… I’m just saying, I don’t want to get there, and then they just won’t let us in without a ticket…

Abraham Lincoln: They’ll let us in! They’ll let us in! I’m the PRESIDENT!

Mary Todd Lincoln: Oh. Okay. So, then, they’ll just give you special treatment because you’re “The President”. Like, when does it stop, you know?

Abraham Lincoln: It stops AT the President! Okay? If you’re the President — or higher — you get in stuff, tickets or not! Everybody else, no; me, yes!

[ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ]

Abraham Lincoln: I’m married now. My wife is, uh… is crazy. Literally… historically insane. One thing I’m really sure of… is that somebody’s gonna murder me. I just KNOW… I’m totally getting murdered! This is not even a question. Like when they murder me — whoever murders me — when I get murdered… it’s just gonna say: “It Happened!” And you’re just gonna know what “It” is. And then, I don’t… you know who I feel bad for? The detective who has to try to solve my murder. Because they’re gonna go, “Let’s see, who might… who might have done it? Oh, I don’t know — everybody from the middle of the country down? Maybe they… maybe one of them did it.” Maybe they had a motive, like I ruined the way they do EVERYTHING?

[ fade to black ] [ SUPER: “CREATED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN” ] [ return to Lincoln sitting in the tavern, this time with JP ] [ SUPER:

Abraham Lincoln: Hey, uh… it’s cold, huh?

“Unit Production Manager

First Assistant Director

Second Assistant

Abraham Lincoln: Lordy…

Freedman Jenkins: Hey, so no one’s SHOT you yet?

“Original Music by

Abraham Lincoln: [ stung ] No. no, not yet.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 4 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x