Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 6
Louis C.K.’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Louis C.K.!
Louis C.K.: Thank you! [ he grabs a microphone handed to him ] Thank you. Thank you very much. [ into the microphone ] Thank you very much, you guys! Uh — great to be here! We’re in New York, uh, there was a hurricane, but we are still here. The city’s standing… [ the audience cheers ] A city that can really take a punch, and, uh… today they turned the power back on, which is great because, uh, now we can go back to using wayyyyy too much electricity, like INSAAAAANE amounts of eletricity! We went from ZERO electricity… to a CRIMINAL amount of electricity! Like, last night, everybody had a candle, like… [ posing ] “E-ben-e-zerrr!” And today, I had, like, FIVE hair dryers going — WHOO-OO-OO!! I turned on the heat AND theair conditioning and, like, let them FIGHT in the apartment.
I, uh — I was stuck at the airport, because of this mess. I was in the airport, and this old lady fell down. [ an audience member chuckles ] Okay, that’s funny. Fine. She’s dead — I hope you’re okay with that. Just kidding! She’s not. Well, she might be dead. Anybody who I’m not looking at might dead. But, anyway — this old lady, she falls down and she’s like, “Arrgggghh!!” and she just falls. And — you know when old ladies fall, and all of a sudden, they’re like… inappropriate? You’re like, “Euugh!” all of a sudden, I have a working knowledge of lingerie in the ’20’s. So she falls down, and me and all these people are: “Whoaaa!!” There’s always one second, when an old lady falls down, where no one’s helping her yet. There’s like a little hestitation where we’re all looking at each other. It’s like a game of Decency Chicken, where you’re not sure it has to be you. You’re kind of hoping you can go, “Ohhhhhh…. good job, buddy! Alright, he got her!”
Anyway, I lost this particular game. I was, like, “Ohhhhhhhh… seriously? Oh, my God…” So here, I had to pick up an old lasdy who I don’t know… I’m stretching her sweater, she’s like, “Aggghhhh!” I’m like, “Come on, lock ’em up! What, are you a baby deer? Just STAND! You were standing eight seconds ago! Don’t pretend you never did it! I’m not a physical therapist, I’m a stranger. Just get up!” Finally, I got her up… and she looks at me and she goes, “I don’t know where to go!” Oh, come on! That’s not fair! I thought I was helping an old lady; now, I HAVE an old lady! This now MY old lady that I HAVE in my life. So — and she’s WORTHLESS! She just hands me over stuff: “I don’t know how to do it!” She has a passport with a blac-and-white picture and, like, a different alphabet on it. An itinerary of onion-skin paper from some travel agency in a village somewhere. I’m, like, “How do you not know how to get around? You’ve probably been a refugee, like, eight times in your life already. You were on a muddy road with all stuff in a cart, people throwing rocks at you. Some kid with a big, Jewey hat next to you! I don’t know! Why can’t you navigate Terminal 8 at JFK?” Okay, so I have to help her; I’ve already been kind, I can’t switch. So… I’m, like, “Let’s go!” She’s moving at a… negative speed. Like she’s sucking space into her body, instead of moving through it. And she’s telling me all her stuff: “My husband DIED! I used to travel with him, but then he DIED! So I don’t know.” I’m, like, “Oh. Well, maybe you should have educated yourself while he was alive. That would have been really useful today. Maybe if you fed him less pork, I don’t know. Maybe some of this is your fault, lady… and none of it’s mine.”
Anyway, we sat there at her gate, for, like, two hours… and she, uh… she said a bunch of stuff that changed my life and I’ll never forget her, but… That’s the boring part! You don’t need to hear that! “Oh, yeah… I thought I giving to her, she gave back tenfold and all, she’s precious forever and ever to me…” But she really was amazing. Like, I got her on the plane, and, right before she got on, she turned around amd she stuck her old gypsy finger in my face, and she said, “I shall NEVER forget you!” And I was crying! It was intense! I love old ladies! I really do! I connect with old ladies. Because they don’t care! They say whatever! The filter comes off around 72. 8-year old boys and old ladies have the same sense of propriety. Because old ladies are on the way out. They’re like a guy who just got fired, and he’s leaving the office with his box for the last time: “You’re fat!” “Never liked you!” They just say whatever. And old ladies talk to you in the middle of just — I’m walking through a supermarket, and there’s always an old lady, like, “This is ridiculous!” I’m like, “I know! Don’t buy it!” I connect with old ladies! They’re my favorite demographic of person. I wish that I desired them… sexually. I really do wish that I could get a boner from an old lady! Because, then I’d be SET! I could find an old lady, and spend the rest of her life with her…
We’ve got a great show, folks! Fun is here. So stick around, and we will be right back!