Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 6
Press Conference
Mayor Michael Bloomberg…..Fred Armisen
Lydia Callis…..Cecily Strong
Gov. Chris Christie…..Bobby Moynihan
Roxie Fuchinelli…..Nasim Pedrad
Announcer: And now, a message from New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
[ as Bloomberg speaks, his translator makes many wild hand singals ]Mayor Bloomberg: Thank you. Good evening and welcome, everyone. It’s now been six days since Hurricane Sandy first hit our city. And while we’re not out of the woods yet, I’m happy to report the power is back on for 70% of New Yorkers. With the rest on schedule to return in the beginning of next week. This has been an incredible citywide team effort. I wanna take a moment to thank our City First respondants: Firemen… Police officers… Emergency medical techicians. I’d also like to thank my staff — with a special thanks to my sign language translator, Lydia Callis, who brought some pizzazz to what otherwise has been a dour occasion. Thank you, Lydia, for your pizzaz.
I also wanna thank President Obama [ Lydia makes big ears signal ] for his fast and efficient assistance in our time of need. While also reminding him we do not want him to come here. Your motorcade causes traffic headaches. I endorse you for President, but if you come here I will have you arrested.
Now it’s also the time to congratulate our city for the preventative measures we took that limited damages of the hurricane. Measures such as the ban on large sugary sodas. If that had not been in place, we would have seen many obese New Yorkers float away hopelessly down the Hudson River.
I turn it over now to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
[ Governor Christie and his street-wise intepretor enter ]Governor Chris Christie: Hello! Hello! Enough! Hello, I’m the Governor, Chris Christie, this is my interpreter, Roxie Fuchinelli! Things are bad, okay? They’re bad. But we’re New Jersey, all right?, we’re gonna be fine. We don’t get sad in New Jersey, we get even! So sleep with one eye open, Sandy! Also, to the mayor of Atlantic City, Lorenzo Langford, who refused to evacuate: You are a silly, stupid son of a bitch! You disobey me? You disobey one of my orders? Well, screw you, screw your city, and screw all the people that listen to you!I’m gonna come rescue you and then I’m gonna beat you to death! Because that’s the Jersey way! Also I would like to give a sincere thanks to President Obama for how he handled the situation. On Election Day, I’m voting for Mitt Romney, but if I had to pick one guy to have my back in a crisis, it would be Barack Obama. He’s been amazing! So kind, such a leader a true inspiration. Again, I’ll be a good soldier. I will vote for Romney, but I’m gonna hate it! Do you hear me? I will hate it! And one final note. To the New Jersey residents who are going through the phone book and making threatening phone calls to people named Sandy: Cut it out! You’re being idiots! All right, be safe.
Mayor Bloomberg: I’d like to close with a message to our Spanish speakers: [ in horrible spanish and sometimes mispronouncing words ] En los próximos días las personas blancas en New York estarán “irritables” y de mal humor. No tienen internet, no tienen Facebook. “El” no tiene seamless web. Su cable no está funcionando. No hay HBO. No hay Showtime. Ellos no pueden ver Homeland. Los blancos “amor” Homeland. Asi que les pido a todos los Hispanos ser paciente por favor con los blancos. “Desaparecidos” Homeland es lo peor “cosas” que ha pasado a ellos.
In closing, I know these are trying times, but I beg all New Yorkers: Please resist the urge to seek comfort in trans fats. And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Sumbitted by: Raul
