Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 7
Girlfriends Talk Show
[ open on theme montage ]
“Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout guys and stuff!
Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout cute guys and clothes!
Girlfriends Talk Show!”
Kyra: Oh, my God! Hi!
Morgan: Welcome to “Girlfriends Talk Show”!
Kyra: This is a show where we just sit and talk like girlfriends do! This is my best friend Morgan!
Morgan: Hi! And this is my best friend Kyra!
Kyra: What up!
Morgan: [ looking to the side ] And, uh… I don’t know who this girl is.
Kyra: Oh! I’m sorry! This is a NEW best friend of mine — Tara!
Tara: Hi! It’s so good to see you again!
Kyra: Yeah, I know! Look at you — you’re the COOLEST!
Tara: You look real cool, too! I’m SO glad we became best friends!
Morgan: [ laughing nervously ] Yeah! …How many best friends do you have, Kyra?
Kyra: A girl can NEVER have enough best friends! Amiright, guys?
Morgan: I don’t know… can she? ‘Cause I only have one, and that’s you.
Kyra: Awesome! Okay! What’s our first topic? Tara?
Morgan & Tara: GUYS!!
Tara: Oh, my God… did you just say that with me? Because she told me I could say it.
Morgan: Well, that’s weird. Because, normally, I introduce the topics because I’m her best friend AND the co-host.
Kyra: Awesome! Okay! So, this question is for the boys — but only the cute ones!
Tara: Like those ones we saw the other night?
Morgan: What night?
Kyra: Awesome! So! Boys: What’s up with all the sports?
Tara: Yeah! I mean, you spend all your weekends watching it and talking about it, and then the rest of the week you play them on video games? What about us? Amiright?
Morgan: Okay, I just want to… I was, like, gonna say EVERY single thing that SHE just said. But… but, then, like, she jumped in so FAST, that I didn’t get a chance to say, like, ANY of it!
Kyra: Okay, just think of something else to say!
Morgan: Kyra, where did you meet this girl?
Kyra: [ smiling ] She’s so AWESOME! Um… I met her at Two Rivers Mall! She works at Forever 21!
Tara: Have you ever shopped there? The clothes really make you look SO like 21 years old! Amiright?
Morgan: [ desperately ] Yeah… yeah, it looks like clothes… DEAD women are found in!
Kyra: Don’t say that! Remember Denise?
Morgan: Well, there’s just, like, a million WAY better places to shop.
Tara: Like where? Name one.
Morgan: Uh… Skirt Warehouse? [ to Kyra ] Our favorite place? Remember?
Kyra: Skirt Warehouse? Morgan! What’s wrong with you?
Morgan: I don’t know. Skirt Warehouse can be cool if you’re there with your best friend…
Kyra: Since when? One time, I was in a Skirt Warehouse, and I saw a roach family climb out of a bin full of Tum-Angel Panties”, so I was like, “How did I get in this doody-girl’s place?”
Tara: Yeah! Like, omigod! It should be called Skirt and Roach Warehouse!
Morgan: No! YOU should be called Roach Warehouse!
Kyra: You’re not making any sense today, Morgan.
Tara: Morgan? I like that name! It’s like “Captain Morgan”! Do you remember, Kyra? In the basement?
Kyra: [ laughing ] That was SO crazy!
Morgan: [ confused ] You have a basement…?
Kyra: Awesome! Alright! Let’s do our next topic!
Morgan: [ picking up a plate of muffins ] Bakingggg!
Kyra & Tara: BOYFRIENDS!!
Kyra: [ to Morgan ] Yeah — boyfriends.[ Morgan puts the muffins away ]
Tara: Okay! So — my boyfriend gave me, like, THE most amazing gift! And I was, like, “Why?” And he was, like, “Because you are, totally, MY girlfriend!” And guess what I did? I sat in his lap and cried FACING OUT, so EVERYONE in the Food Court could see me.
Kyra: Wow! That’s a PERFECT romantic story! My boyfriend’s a little older He took me to a steak house and sat at a different table from me. He just watched me enjoy my steak. They even had CLOTH napkins! When I was walking out, his car pulled up and a tinted window rolled down, and the crack was big enough so I could see ONE eyeball. He winked at me and said, “Thanks for letting me watch you eat that sirloin!” My boyfriend’s CRAZY!
Tara: Hey, what about you, Morgan?
Morgan: Well —
Kyra: Her boyfriend DUMPED her!
Morgan: NO… I dumped… him!
Kyra: No, he dumped you, and then, like a week later, you called him and said, “I’m dumping you!”
Morgan: That’s not true! I told him, “Don’t you EVER come back!” and he said, “I’m not going to!” And — but I could tell by the way that he put his hand on my face, and PUSHED backwards… he was NOT entirely over me!
Tara: It kinda sounds like he was.
Morgan: Yeah, he WASN’T!! ROACH WAREHOUSE!! [ to Kyra ] This girl — like, she REALLY needs to go! She’s not even good at co-hosting.
Kyra: AWESOME!! Okay! So, next time on the show, our topic is gonna be…
Kyra & Tara: EARRINGS!!
Morgan: Yeah… it’s earrings.
Kyra: Awesome! Later, bye!
Theme Song: “Girlfriends Talk Show!”[ fade ]