Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 7
McDonald’s Firing
Gloria, Manager…..Anne Hathaway
Carl…..Tim Robinson
Niff…..Bobby Moynihan
Dana…..Cecily Strong
Angie…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian…..Bill Hader
Kimmy…..Nasim Pedrad
Andrew…..Taran Killam
Nelliot…..Kenan Thompson
Don…..Jason Sudeikis
Beverly…..Aidy Bryant
Randy…..Jay Pharoah
Seth Bogen…..Fred Armisen
Martha…..Kate McKinnon
[ open on McDonald’s staff meeting ]
Manager: Okay. Alright, guys. Staff meeting! Circle up, everybody, let’s go! Oh, but Carl — you stay on the fryer, just in case.
Carl: You can count on me, Boss!
Manager: Unfortunately, this is the kind of meeting I just… I just hate. I-I — I’m warning you, guys, I jave some bad news. Well, sales are down… so we’re gonna have to make some cutbacks. I’m going to let some people go.
Niff: Ohhhhh!!
Dana: Yeah! right! We KNOW who you’re gonna FIRE!!
Niff: Yeah, we know it’s US!! You ALL hate US!!
Dana: And WE hate all of YOU!!
Niff: Mmm-hmm!
Manager: Uh, guys? Guys? Just please, just let me finish…
Niff: No! No! Because if you’re FIRINg us, they’re we’re going out on top like SEINFELD!!
Dana: Yeah! I got a FAREWELL CARD for all y’all tricks!! ANGIE!! You a JERK!! You just MEAN!!
Niff: Yeah! You as MEAN as a JUNKYARD DOG, Angie! and I wish you was never born into this WORLD!!
Dana: WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! You a BITCH!!
Niff: Yeah! You a stone-cold BITCH, Angie!!
Manager: Ohhhhh-kay, guys, just please… just stop!
Dana: NO!! We just gettin’ STARTED!! Ohhhh, Briannnnnn!
Niff: Brian! Every day, I wake up and I think, “Yo! Is TODAY the day I punch that fool, Brian, until he DIES?!”
Dana: Yeah! Brian! Your breath smell like CREAM CORN, and you ain’t even EAT no cream corn today!! Ooh! YOUR turn, Kimmy!
Niff: KIMMY!!
Dana: Kimmy! Are you ALWAYS on your period?! You are like ONE… BIG… PERIOD!!
Niff: Yeah! You should be at the END of a SENTENCE, you HUGE PERIOD!! You be creepin’ me out!!
Manager: Okay… guys, guys! This is inappropriate.
Dana: I’ll TELL YOU what’s INAPPROPRIATE!! AN-DREW!!
Niff: Ooh, Andrew! You ain’t got NOTHIN’ behind those eyes! You a SNEAK!!
[ reveal Andrew staring at Niff behind psychotic eyes ]
Dana: Yeah! Yeah, Andrew, I’m pretty sure you’re a SERIAL KILLER!!
Niff: Uh-huh!
Dana: And if you lookin’ for someone to kill NEXT… might I suggest NELLIOTTTTT?!!!
Niff: Oooohhhh, Nelliott!! Oh, you are a MOOSEHEAD MORION, Nelliott! And, by the way, what the HELL kind of name is NELLIOTT?!!
Dana: Well… your name is Niff.
Niff: Yeah! It’s short for KEN-Niff…
Together: BITCH!!
Manager: Okay, guys…
Niff: [ he shoves her aside ] Get OUT of here!
Dana: Okay! Who’s next?! Ooooohhh, Doug!
Niff: Ohhhhhh, Don SUCKS!! You look like a APE with a BOWL CUT, man! I want to KNIFE you in the CHEST!
Dana: Doug, you a THIEF! You stole my HEART! I LOVED you!
Don: Well… this is the first I’ve heard of this… [ he holds up his hand to reveal a wedding ring ] I’m married.
Dana: That’s on YOU!!
Niff: Yeah, Don! You dropped the BALL, Don! You dropped the BALL!!
Manager: Alright, guys, come on. That’s enough…
Dana: SIX more! Beverlyyyyyy!!
Niff: Don’t even think you’re gettin’ off easy, Beverly, just ’cause you still got NO POWER!
Dana: Yeah! I KNOW you copied those Mad Libs, Beverly! Ain’t NOBODY that funny!
Niff: No, HELL, no! And let’s talk about Seth Bogen for a minute!
Dana: Quit TALKIN’ about how your name sounds like Seth ROGEN!!
Together: BITCH!!!
Seth Bogen: I-i-it does.
Dana: But that ain’t a STORY!!
Niff: Yeah! A story got a beginnin’, a middle, and a END!!
Dana: Yeah, that’s barely an ANECDOTE!
Niff: Yeah, you a BITCH, Seth BOGEN!!
Dana: BITCH!!
Manager: Hoo! Guys… guys…
Niff: NO!! We got RIGHTS!! And if you gonna FIRE us, you gotta HEAR US OUT!!
Dana: Hey! New Guy! What’s your name again?!
Randy: Uh… I’m Randy, uh… I’ve worked here for six months.
Niff: [ mimicking ] Ohhh… “I’m Randy! I’ve worked here for six months!” Yo! This is Randy talkin’ to Randy:
Together: [ spazzing out ] “Ba da ba baaaa! GO KILL YOURSELF!!”
[ they high-five one another ]
Niff: DAMN!!
Dana: DAMN!!
Brian: [ shaking his head ] You guys rehearse this?
Together: MAY-BEEEE!!
Dana: Ohhh!! MARTHA! I’ve NEVER liked you! Guess what?! We all KNOW you smoke in the BEEF FRIDGE!!
Niff: Yeah! People gotta EAT that BEEF, Martha! And, by the way, I SAW your weird leg, Martha! Bitch look like a CHEESE DOODLE! Whart, did you get BURNED?!
Martha: [ serious ] Yes.
[ Niff and Dana stare at one another for a moment with regret ]
Together: MOVIN’ ON!!
Niff: Yo! Where Patrick at?!
Manager: He called in sick.
Dana: Get! That! FOOL on the PHONE!!
[ Niff dials Patrick on his iPhone, then turns the speaker up ]
Voice: Hello?
Dana: Get a cheaper haircut!!
Niff: You sound DUMB on the PHONE!!
Voice: Who is this?!
Together: CLICK!!
[ Niff hangs up ]
Manager: Alright! You’ve insulted everyone —
Niff: Oh, no, no, no!
Dana: Oh, ho, ho!
Niff: ‘Cause, then… there was CARL!
Dana: Ooooohhhhh, Carl!
[ Carl runs out of the kitchen ]
Carl: Hot dog, my ears are ringing!
Dana: Carl, you are the WORST of them all!
Niff: Yeah, man! You too OLD to be working at McDonald’s, you hefty NUMBSKULL!
Dana: Yeah, Carl! You remind me of a DOLL no one wants to buy! So they just STOP making that doll, eventually!
Niff: Yeah, you a GOOFY GUS, Carl! NONE of us want to come to your above-ground pool…
Together: SO STOP ASKING!!
Dana: You a mushroom, punk!
Niff: You a old boot!
Manager: Alright, Dana! Niff! I-I’m not firing you! You’re my top sellers, and customers LOVE you! [ a beat ] I’m firing Carl!
Niff: [ embarrassed ] Oh. Well, now I feel like an old boot…
Dana: Sorry, Carl… that is tough. I know you just bought that above-ground pool…
Carl: Don’t worry about me! Easy come, easy go! [ he waves goodbye and leaves ]
Niff: Oh, such a good guy…
Dana: Yeah, yeah…
Niff: Alright, guys! Good meeting, okay? But those nuggets ain’t gonna make themselves!
Dana: Yeah, hands in! McDonald’s, on THREE!
Together: 1! 2! 3!
[ no one joins them ]
Dana: That makes sense!
Niff: No, we get it! I understand. We said “Bitch!” a lot…
[ fade ]
