Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 7
Gloria, Manager…..Anne Hathaway
Seth Bogen…..Fred Armisen
[ open on McDonald’s staff meeting ]
Manager: Okay. Alright, guys. Staff meeting! Circle up, everybody, let’s go! Oh, but Carl — you stay on the fryer, just in case.
Carl: You can count on me, Boss!
Manager: Unfortunately, this is the kind of meeting I just… I just hate. I-I — I’m warning you, guys, I jave some bad news. Well, sales are down… so we’re gonna have to make some cutbacks. I’m going to let some people go.
Dana: Yeah! right! We KNOW who you’re gonna FIRE!!
Niff: Yeah, we know it’s US!! You ALL hate US!!
Dana: And WE hate all of YOU!!
Manager: Uh, guys? Guys? Just please, just let me finish…
Niff: No! No! Because if you’re FIRINg us, they’re we’re going out on top like SEINFELD!!
Dana: Yeah! I got a FAREWELL CARD for all y’all tricks!! ANGIE!! You a JERK!! You just MEAN!!
Niff: Yeah! You as MEAN as a JUNKYARD DOG, Angie! and I wish you was never born into this WORLD!!
Dana: WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! You a BITCH!!
Niff: Yeah! You a stone-cold BITCH, Angie!!
Manager: Ohhhhh-kay, guys, just please… just stop!
Dana: NO!! We just gettin’ STARTED!! Ohhhh, Briannnnnn!
Niff: Brian! Every day, I wake up and I think, “Yo! Is TODAY the day I punch that fool, Brian, until he DIES?!”
Dana: Yeah! Brian! Your breath smell like CREAM CORN, and you ain’t even EAT no cream corn today!! Ooh! YOUR turn, Kimmy!
Dana: Kimmy! Are you ALWAYS on your period?! You are like ONE… BIG… PERIOD!!
Niff: Yeah! You should be at the END of a SENTENCE, you HUGE PERIOD!! You be creepin’ me out!!
Manager: Okay… guys, guys! This is inappropriate.
Dana: I’ll TELL YOU what’s INAPPROPRIATE!! AN-DREW!!
Niff: Ooh, Andrew! You ain’t got NOTHIN’ behind those eyes! You a SNEAK!![ reveal Andrew staring at Niff behind psychotic eyes ]
Dana: Yeah! Yeah, Andrew, I’m pretty sure you’re a SERIAL KILLER!!
Dana: And if you lookin’ for someone to kill NEXT… might I suggest NELLIOTTTTT?!!!
Niff: Oooohhhh, Nelliott!! Oh, you are a MOOSEHEAD MORION, Nelliott! And, by the way, what the HELL kind of name is NELLIOTT?!!
Dana: Well… your name is Niff.
Niff: Yeah! It’s short for KEN-Niff…
Manager: Okay, guys…
Niff: [ he shoves her aside ] Get OUT of here!
Dana: Okay! Who’s next?! Ooooohhh, Doug!
Niff: Ohhhhhh, Don SUCKS!! You look like a APE with a BOWL CUT, man! I want to KNIFE you in the CHEST!
Dana: Doug, you a THIEF! You stole my HEART! I LOVED you!
Don: Well… this is the first I’ve heard of this… [ he holds up his hand to reveal a wedding ring ] I’m married.
Dana: That’s on YOU!!
Niff: Yeah, Don! You dropped the BALL, Don! You dropped the BALL!!
Manager: Alright, guys, come on. That’s enough…
Dana: SIX more! Beverlyyyyyy!!
Niff: Don’t even think you’re gettin’ off easy, Beverly, just ’cause you still got NO POWER!
Dana: Yeah! I KNOW you copied those Mad Libs, Beverly! Ain’t NOBODY that funny!
Niff: No, HELL, no! And let’s talk about Seth Bogen for a minute!
Dana: Quit TALKIN’ about how your name sounds like Seth ROGEN!!
Seth Bogen: I-i-it does.
Dana: But that ain’t a STORY!!
Niff: Yeah! A story got a beginnin’, a middle, and a END!!
Dana: Yeah, that’s barely an ANECDOTE!
Niff: Yeah, you a BITCH, Seth BOGEN!!
Manager: Hoo! Guys… guys…
Niff: NO!! We got RIGHTS!! And if you gonna FIRE us, you gotta HEAR US OUT!!
Dana: Hey! New Guy! What’s your name again?!
Randy: Uh… I’m Randy, uh… I’ve worked here for six months.
Niff: [ mimicking ] Ohhh… “I’m Randy! I’ve worked here for six months!” Yo! This is Randy talkin’ to Randy:
Together: [ spazzing out ] “Ba da ba baaaa! GO KILL YOURSELF!!”[ they high-five one another ]
Brian: [ shaking his head ] You guys rehearse this?
Dana: Ohhh!! MARTHA! I’ve NEVER liked you! Guess what?! We all KNOW you smoke in the BEEF FRIDGE!!
Niff: Yeah! People gotta EAT that BEEF, Martha! And, by the way, I SAW your weird leg, Martha! Bitch look like a CHEESE DOODLE! Whart, did you get BURNED?!
Martha: [ serious ] Yes.[ Niff and Dana stare at one another for a moment with regret ]
Together: MOVIN’ ON!!
Niff: Yo! Where Patrick at?!
Manager: He called in sick.
Dana: Get! That! FOOL on the PHONE!![ Niff dials Patrick on his iPhone, then turns the speaker up ]
Dana: Get a cheaper haircut!!
Niff: You sound DUMB on the PHONE!!
Voice: Who is this?!
Together: CLICK!![ Niff hangs up ]
Manager: Alright! You’ve insulted everyone —
Niff: Oh, no, no, no!
Dana: Oh, ho, ho!
Niff: ‘Cause, then… there was CARL!
Dana: Ooooohhhhh, Carl![ Carl runs out of the kitchen ]
Carl: Hot dog, my ears are ringing!
Dana: Carl, you are the WORST of them all!
Niff: Yeah, man! You too OLD to be working at McDonald’s, you hefty NUMBSKULL!
Dana: Yeah, Carl! You remind me of a DOLL no one wants to buy! So they just STOP making that doll, eventually!
Niff: Yeah, you a GOOFY GUS, Carl! NONE of us want to come to your above-ground pool…
Together: SO STOP ASKING!!
Dana: You a mushroom, punk!
Niff: You a old boot!
Manager: Alright, Dana! Niff! I-I’m not firing you! You’re my top sellers, and customers LOVE you! [ a beat ] I’m firing Carl!
Niff: [ embarrassed ] Oh. Well, now I feel like an old boot…
Dana: Sorry, Carl… that is tough. I know you just bought that above-ground pool…
Carl: Don’t worry about me! Easy come, easy go! [ he waves goodbye and leaves ]
Niff: Oh, such a good guy…
Dana: Yeah, yeah…
Niff: Alright, guys! Good meeting, okay? But those nuggets ain’t gonna make themselves!
Dana: Yeah, hands in! McDonald’s, on THREE!
Together: 1! 2! 3![ no one joins them ]
Dana: That makes sense!
Niff: No, we get it! I understand. We said “Bitch!” a lot…[ fade ]