Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 7
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Ann Romney…..Kate McKinnon
Tagg Romney, Matt Romney, Josh Romney…..Taran Killam
Karl Rove…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on exterior, “Mitt Romney’s House — Election Night” ] [ dissolve to Romney standing on balcony ]
Mitt Romney: Ah, darn it! Darn it all to HECK! [ he chigs from a carton of milk ]
Ann Romney: Mitt? Mitt?[ Mitt tosses the empty carton over the balcony as Ann steps forward ]
Ann Romney: Hello, Mitt.
Mitt Romney: Ah, hello, Ann!
Ann Romney: What are you doing out on the balcony all alone?
Mitt Romney: Ohhh… I’m just thinking.
Ann Romney: You ran a wonderful campaign, Mitt. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Mitt Romney: Hmm… Thank you, Ann. You’re a FINE woman! Abnd I’m LUCKY to have you!
Ann Romney: And I’m lucky to have you! Now, come inside, Mitt. It’s a wonderful party. Everyone’s here.
Mitt Romney: Ah, in a moment, Ann. In a moment.
Mitt Romney: I still love you, America! I DO! But you’ve hurt my feelings very, very much!
Tagg Romney: Father![ Mitt hides the milk carton as Tagg Romney approaches ]
Tagg Romney: Hello, Father.
Mitt Romney: Ah, hello, Tagg!
Tagg Romney: I’m so VERY angry, Father!
Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.
Tagg Romney: I wish I could PUNCH America in the FACE! I DO, I TELL YOU!!
Mitt Romney: Now, now, now… It’s not a time for anger, Tagg.
Tagg Romney: So what’s next for you, Father?
Mitt Romney: Well… I don’t know, there’s so much I want to see and do. I’d like to learn how may-o-naisse is made — as I like mayonaisse very, very much.
Tagg Romney: Come inside, Father.
Mitt Romney: In a moment, Tagg. In a moment.[ Tagg steps back inside, as Mitt chugs more milk ]
Matt Romney: Father![ another Romney son approaches ]
Mitt Romney: [ hiding his milk carton ] Well, Tagg, I-I thought I told you to give me a moment?
Matt Romney: I’m not Tagg! I’m Matt! One of your other sons!
Mitt Romney: Oh. Of course! Of course, of course! Hello, Matt.
Matt Romney: Mother sent me to come get you, Father.
Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.
Matt Romney: Paul Ryan is dong feats of strength in the drawing room. She thought you’d like to see.
Mitt Romney: Yeah, well, I’d like to see him carry WISCONSIN!!
Matt Romney: Father!
Mitt Romney: Now, I’m sorry… that was uncalled for, I’m sorry.
Matt Romney: Have you been drinking? You smell like a dairy.
Mitt Romney: [ he holds up his milk carton ] What do you say… do you care to share a drink with your old man, huh?
Matt Romney: Father! I’m only 38! Now, come inside.
Mitt Romney: Ah, in a moment, Matt. In a moment.[ Matt steps back inside, as Mitt chugs more milk ] [ suddenly, Karl Rove approaches ]
Karl Rove: Hello, Mitt!
Mitt Romney: Hello, Karl Rove.
Karl Rove: I still think you can win Ohio. Look… now might not be the best time, but, uh… could I borrow $300 million…? Is that possible…?[ Mitt grabs Rove and tosses him over the balcony ]
Karl Rove: I’m okay!
Josh Romney: Father![ another Romney son approaches ]
Mitt Romney: Oh, uh… Hello, uh…?
Josh Romney: Josh.
Mitt Romney: That’s right! Hello, my son, Josh!
Josh Romney: Now, please come inside, Father. Donald Trump is doing a very amusing thing where he’s racist.
Mitt Romney: Ah. You know what? In a moment, my son, Josh. In a moment.
Josh Romney: Okay.[ Josh steps back inside ] [ Mitt looks around for more stashes of milk, then removes his shoe and pulls a carton out of the heel ] [ Ann once again approaches ]
Ann Romney: Mitt, the boys are worried! They’ve never seen you like this!
Mitt Romney: [ he tosses his carton over the balcony ] Oh, I’m fine! I’m fine, my dear Ann, I’m fine.[ soft music begins to play ]
Ann Romney: Do you need another moment out here, Mitt?
Mitt Romney: Well, I’d like a moment with you. I’d like that very much. Perhaps we can stand on this balcony together, with our arms around each other.
Ann Romney: Well, I’d also like that very much.[ Mitt steals a kiss from Ann’s lips ]
Ann Romney: [ amazed ] My, oh my! What has gotten into you?
Mitt Romney: Ohhh… oh, I don’t know, maybe TEN GALLONS OF MILK! Huh?
Ann Romney: Willard Mitt Romney!
Mitt Romney: Ah, I’m gonna be very, very sick tomorrow! But I’m also gonna be okay. Because I have you. Thank you, Ann.
Ann Romney: Thank you, Mitt![ music swells, as a heart superimposes over the couple, with the words “Mitt & Ann Forever” on the screen ]
Together: And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”