SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Renner: 11/17/12: Coroner’s Office

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 8

12h: Jeremy Renner / Maroon 5

Coroner’s Office

Detective Nance…..Jason Sudeikis
Coroner Dan Gates…..Bill Hader
Mr. Calendar…..Jeremy Renner
Brother…..Taran Killam

[ open in Coroner’s office ]

Detective Nance: Mr. Calender, I’m Detectice Nance; this is our Coroner, Dan Gates. Now, when was the last time you saw your brother alive?

Mr. Calender: Last night, we got some dinner… and I dropped him off down the street from his apartment.

Detective Nance: Okay. Well, I know this must be very difficult, but we need you to identify the body.

Mr. Calender: I understand.

Detective Nance: Okay. Uh, Dan? Can you pull back the sheet, please?

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Detective Nance: Can you see me…? — Uh, can you tell me who you see there?

Mr. Calender: Yeah. [ he clears his throat ] I’m sorry.

Detective Nance: No, no, that’s okay. Take your time. I know this is tough.

Mr. Calender: [ a beat ] It’s Steven Tyler.

Detective Nance: [ stunned ] I — I — I’m sorry?

Mr. Calender: It’s the singer Steven Tyler, from Aerosmith.

Detective Nance: Hmm. No… no, that’s not him. Steven Tyler is actually still alive, and… and doesn’t look anything like that.

Mr. Calender: Oh. I’m sorry, I’m just a little nervous… I-I’ve never done anything like this…

Detective Nance: That’s fine, that’s fine. I understand. This can be very upsetting. Let’s start over, Dan, shall we? We’re gonna start over, okay? [ Dan covers the body ] Now, remember — we have strong evidence that this is your brother. We just need you to confirm his identity. You ready?

Mr. Calender: Yes.

Detective Nance: Okay. Dan?

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: That is, uh… Yao Ming.

Detective Nance: No! No, no, it’s not!

Mr. Calender: You sure?

Detective Nance: Yeah! I’m SURE! Yao Ming is a seven-foot tall LIVING man!

Mr. Calender: Oh. Okay, I just guessed he looked a little different without the jersey… I don’t know, man! Like you said, this can be really difficult!

Detective Nance: Well, it’s not THIS difficult! Okay? Look, uh — alright, just to reiterate: We believe this is a person that you KNOW!

Mr. Calender: Got it.

Detective Nance: Okay! Dan!

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: Oh, it’s you!

Coroner: Wowwww!

Detective Nance: NO!!! No, it’s not ME!! Let’s start over! Let’s start over! Okay? [ Dan covers the body ] Here we go. A few ground rules to keep in mind: It’s someone you know

Mr. Calender: Right.

Detective Nance: Who’s no longer with us

Mr. Calender: Yes.

Detective Nance: Because they’re DEAD!

Mr. Calender: O-kayyy…

Detective Nance: Which means they’re not alive…?

Mr. Calender: Right, right, right, right!

Detective Nance: Okay, alright! We’re, basically, just asking you to confirm that this is your brother! You got it?

Mr. Calender: Okayyy…

Detective Nance: Okay, so who is this?

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: Is it two people?

Detective Nance: Oh, my God! Alright! Oh, my God… okay.

Mr. Calender: No, wait a minute! Is this like a “Sixth Sense” thing, where it turns out he’s alive and we’re all dead?

[ Dan begins to rub his hands all over the dead man’s face and tap his chest like a set of drums ]

Detective Nance: No! No! I kind of wish we were all dead right now. Okay? KLook, I’m gonna level with you 100%, alright? We’re 100% SURE that THIS is your brother! All we need from you is a simple comfirmation! It can be a “YES!” It can be a “NOT!” It can be a positive-sounding GRUNT! Just tell us something we can do to make this happen!

Mr. Calender: Maybe you can pull… pull the sheet back, and I’ll just run through a few guesses real fast.

Detective Nance: No, it dosn’t WORK like that, Sir!

Coroner: [ chuckling ] I kinda want to see what he’s gonna say!

Detective Nance: Okay, fine! Fine! Okay, ready! Let’s do it! Pull it back, here we go! [ Dan covers the body ] Ready? And… GO!!

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: Lucy Lui!

Detective Nance: No!!

[ Dan covers the body, then pulls the sheet ]

Mr. Calender: American Dream?

Detective Nance: That’s clever — but NO!

[ Dan covers the body, then pulls the sheet ]

Mr. Calender: Wait — can he guess who I am first?

Detective Nance: NO!! What are you TALKING about?!

Mr. Calender: Oh, my God! It’s JFK! WE SOLVED IT!! [ he throws his arms in the air ]

Detective Nance: Okay! Alright! Look! It is NOT JFK! Alright?

Mr. Calender: [ pointing to Dan ] It’s his brother!

Coroner: [ looking down ] Dennis?

Detective Nance: WHY would you think that’s your brother?

Coroner: I don’t know!

Mr. Calender: Morris Day and The Time?

Detective Nance: You think THIS man is Morris Day and the ENTIRE band… The Time?!

Mr. Calender: Maybe it’s just Morris and a couple of the guys…?

Detective Nance: Okay! This hasn’t been very much help! Thank you very much…

Mr. Calender: I-I-I just figured it out! It’s so simple!

Detective Nance: What?

Mr. Calender: Maybe my dead brother has bene insude all of us the entire time.

Detective Nance: No! Dude, we’re NOT looking for a MORAL! Okay? I think we’re done here, alright? Is there anyone else — ANYONE else here in the family that can I.D. this person?

Mr. Calender: Yeah, my brother. [ he taps the body ] Hey, Bro!

[ suddenly, the dead man rises ]

Brother: Yeah, man?

Detective Nance: What the…?!

[ Dan tries to look surprised ]

Mr. Calender: These guys want you to do something. They’ll explain it. I don’t get it.

Brother: Yeah, okay. I’ll see you at home, Bro!

Mr. Calender: Okay, see you later. [ he walks off ] [ Nance looks curiously at Dan ]

Coroner: He said he was dead!

Detective Nance: He said he was dead?!

Coroner: He said he was dead!

Detective Nance: How does that work?

Brother: Ohhhh, I got it! I’m Yao Ming!

Detective Nance: No! No, you’re not! No, you’re not!

[ he lies the man back on the gurney and covers the shet over his head ] [ fade ]

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