SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Renner: 11/17/12: Coroner’s Office


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 8

12h: Jeremy Renner / Maroon 5

Coroner’s Office

Detective Nance…..Jason Sudeikis
Coroner Dan Gates…..Bill Hader
Mr. Calendar…..Jeremy Renner
Brother…..Taran Killam

[ open in Coroner’s office ]

Detective Nance: Mr. Calender, I’m Detectice Nance; this is our Coroner, Dan Gates. Now, when was the last time you saw your brother alive?

Mr. Calender: Last night, we got some dinner… and I dropped him off down the street from his apartment.

Detective Nance: Okay. Well, I know this must be very difficult, but we need you to identify the body.

Mr. Calender: I understand.

Detective Nance: Okay. Uh, Dan? Can you pull back the sheet, please?

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Detective Nance: Can you see me…? — Uh, can you tell me who you see there?

Mr. Calender: Yeah. [ he clears his throat ] I’m sorry.

Detective Nance: No, no, that’s okay. Take your time. I know this is tough.

Mr. Calender: [ a beat ] It’s Steven Tyler.

Detective Nance: [ stunned ] I — I — I’m sorry?

Mr. Calender: It’s the singer Steven Tyler, from Aerosmith.

Detective Nance: Hmm. No… no, that’s not him. Steven Tyler is actually still alive, and… and doesn’t look anything like that.

Mr. Calender: Oh. I’m sorry, I’m just a little nervous… I-I’ve never done anything like this…

Detective Nance: That’s fine, that’s fine. I understand. This can be very upsetting. Let’s start over, Dan, shall we? We’re gonna start over, okay? [ Dan covers the body ] Now, remember — we have strong evidence that this is your brother. We just need you to confirm his identity. You ready?

Mr. Calender: Yes.

Detective Nance: Okay. Dan?

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: That is, uh… Yao Ming.

Detective Nance: No! No, no, it’s not!

Mr. Calender: You sure?

Detective Nance: Yeah! I’m SURE! Yao Ming is a seven-foot tall LIVING man!

Mr. Calender: Oh. Okay, I just guessed he looked a little different without the jersey… I don’t know, man! Like you said, this can be really difficult!

Detective Nance: Well, it’s not THIS difficult! Okay? Look, uh — alright, just to reiterate: We believe this is a person that you KNOW!

Mr. Calender: Got it.

Detective Nance: Okay! Dan!

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: Oh, it’s you!

Coroner: Wowwww!

Detective Nance: NO!!! No, it’s not ME!! Let’s start over! Let’s start over! Okay? [ Dan covers the body ] Here we go. A few ground rules to keep in mind: It’s someone you know

Mr. Calender: Right.

Detective Nance: Who’s no longer with us

Mr. Calender: Yes.

Detective Nance: Because they’re DEAD!

Mr. Calender: O-kayyy…

Detective Nance: Which means they’re not alive…?

Mr. Calender: Right, right, right, right!

Detective Nance: Okay, alright! We’re, basically, just asking you to confirm that this is your brother! You got it?

Mr. Calender: Okayyy…

Detective Nance: Okay, so who is this?

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: Is it two people?

Detective Nance: Oh, my God! Alright! Oh, my God… okay.

Mr. Calender: No, wait a minute! Is this like a “Sixth Sense” thing, where it turns out he’s alive and we’re all dead?

[ Dan begins to rub his hands all over the dead man’s face and tap his chest like a set of drums ]

Detective Nance: No! No! I kind of wish we were all dead right now. Okay? KLook, I’m gonna level with you 100%, alright? We’re 100% SURE that THIS is your brother! All we need from you is a simple comfirmation! It can be a “YES!” It can be a “NOT!” It can be a positive-sounding GRUNT! Just tell us something we can do to make this happen!

Mr. Calender: Maybe you can pull… pull the sheet back, and I’ll just run through a few guesses real fast.

Detective Nance: No, it dosn’t WORK like that, Sir!

Coroner: [ chuckling ] I kinda want to see what he’s gonna say!

Detective Nance: Okay, fine! Fine! Okay, ready! Let’s do it! Pull it back, here we go! [ Dan covers the body ] Ready? And… GO!!

[ Dan pulls the sheet to reveal the body ]

Mr. Calender: Lucy Lui!

Detective Nance: No!!

[ Dan covers the body, then pulls the sheet ]

Mr. Calender: American Dream?

Detective Nance: That’s clever — but NO!

[ Dan covers the body, then pulls the sheet ]

Mr. Calender: Wait — can he guess who I am first?

Detective Nance: NO!! What are you TALKING about?!

Mr. Calender: Oh, my God! It’s JFK! WE SOLVED IT!! [ he throws his arms in the air ]

Detective Nance: Okay! Alright! Look! It is NOT JFK! Alright?

Mr. Calender: [ pointing to Dan ] It’s his brother!

Coroner: [ looking down ] Dennis?

Detective Nance: WHY would you think that’s your brother?

Coroner: I don’t know!

Mr. Calender: Morris Day and The Time?

Detective Nance: You think THIS man is Morris Day and the ENTIRE band… The Time?!

Mr. Calender: Maybe it’s just Morris and a couple of the guys…?

Detective Nance: Okay! This hasn’t been very much help! Thank you very much…

Mr. Calender: I-I-I just figured it out! It’s so simple!

Detective Nance: What?

Mr. Calender: Maybe my dead brother has bene insude all of us the entire time.

Detective Nance: No! Dude, we’re NOT looking for a MORAL! Okay? I think we’re done here, alright? Is there anyone else — ANYONE else here in the family that can I.D. this person?

Mr. Calender: Yeah, my brother. [ he taps the body ] Hey, Bro!

[ suddenly, the dead man rises ]

Brother: Yeah, man?

Detective Nance: What the…?!

[ Dan tries to look surprised ]

Mr. Calender: These guys want you to do something. They’ll explain it. I don’t get it.

Brother: Yeah, okay. I’ll see you at home, Bro!

Mr. Calender: Okay, see you later. [ he walks off ] [ Nance looks curiously at Dan ]

Coroner: He said he was dead!

Detective Nance: He said he was dead?!

Coroner: He said he was dead!

Detective Nance: How does that work?

Brother: Ohhhh, I got it! I’m Yao Ming!

Detective Nance: No! No, you’re not! No, you’re not!

[ he lies the man back on the gurney and covers the shet over his head ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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