SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Renner: 11/17/12: Your Hometown


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 8

12h: Jeremy Renner / Maroon 5

Your Hometown

Man…..Taran Killam
Dad…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Aidy Bryant
Matt…..Bobby Moynihan
Classmate…..Tim Robinson

[ open on lush tropical footage ]

Announcer: It’s that time of year again — The Holidays! This season, don’t waste your time on the white beaches of Hawaii.

[ dissolve to aerial footage of “Your Hometown” ]

Announcer: Instead, why not visit the sunny, paved streets of your hometown?

[ dissolve to suburban house, as Man’s parents open the door with big smiles on their faces ]

Announcer: There, you’ll enjoy four-star accomodations at your childhood home.

[ dissolve to Mom on exerise equipment in Man’s bedroom ]

Announcer: Featuring an all-access gym — located, conveniently, in your room! Along with a 24-hour business center — also in your room!

[ reveal Dad using the computer on the other side of Mab’s bed ] [ dissolve to the breakfast table ]

Announcer: Enjoy long, long Continental breakfast.

[ dissolve to the living room ]

Announcer: Unwind in front of the deepest TV ever sold.

[ dissolve to Mom carrying towels into the bedroom ]

Announcer: And pamper yourself with scratchy, bleach-stained towels from 1994.

[ dissolve to basement ]

Announcer: Your childhood home offers a wide range of on-site activity. You could always clean out this box of stuff, or it’s going to be thrown away…

[ dissolve to yard ]

Announcer: Or — pick up these sticks.

[ dissolve to Dad changing a light bulb in his tight underwear ]

Announcer: And our attentive staff is there to assist you with anything that may come up.

[ cut to Man standing in a K-Mart parking lot ]

Announcer: Who needs snorkeling and parasailing — when you can check out the new K-Mart? And while you’re at it, check out the old K-Mart — which is now a closed Michael’s.

[ cut to Man driving in his parents’ car ]

Announcer: Or drive around listening to the only CD your Mom owns.

[ cut to random locations ]

Announcer: Plus: Your Hometown offers exotic destinations for smoking weed — like this swing… the train track… and Matt’s hot tub.

[ dissolve to exterior of high school ]

Announcer: If you’re in for a day trip, drive on down to your old high school to visit your old teacher… then think, “Why would I do this?”, and leave.

[ dissolve to movie theater ]

Announcer: Or go see a movie — by yourself.

[ reveal a high school classmate working at the concession stand ]

Announcer: Oh, look! It’s someone from your high school! How fun!

[ dissolve to aerial view of Your Hometown ]

Announcer: So book your tickets to Your Hometown today!

[ dissolve to Mom holding up bagged goods ]

Announcer: And bring home some souveniers that you’ll just have to leave at the airport.

[ dissolve to Man carrying the bagged good down the walk, as Mom and tight underwear-clad Dad with garden hose wave goodbye ]

Announcer: Your Hometown. We’d love you to stay for a week — but we’ll settle for three days!

[ SUPER: “Your Hometown: Brought to you by the Your Hometown Board of Tourism” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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