Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 8
[ open on lush tropical footage ]
Announcer: It’s that time of year again — The Holidays! This season, don’t waste your time on the white beaches of Hawaii.[ dissolve to aerial footage of “Your Hometown” ]
Announcer: Instead, why not visit the sunny, paved streets of your hometown?[ dissolve to suburban house, as Man’s parents open the door with big smiles on their faces ]
Announcer: There, you’ll enjoy four-star accomodations at your childhood home.
Announcer: Featuring an all-access gym — located, conveniently, in your room! Along with a 24-hour business center — also in your room![ reveal Dad using the computer on the other side of Mab’s bed ] [ dissolve to the breakfast table ]
Announcer: Enjoy long, long Continental breakfast.[ dissolve to the living room ]
Announcer: Unwind in front of the deepest TV ever sold.[ dissolve to Mom carrying towels into the bedroom ]
Announcer: And pamper yourself with scratchy, bleach-stained towels from 1994.[ dissolve to basement ]
Announcer: Your childhood home offers a wide range of on-site activity. You could always clean out this box of stuff, or it’s going to be thrown away…[ dissolve to yard ]
Announcer: Or — pick up these sticks.
Announcer: And our attentive staff is there to assist you with anything that may come up.[ cut to Man standing in a K-Mart parking lot ]
Announcer: Who needs snorkeling and parasailing — when you can check out the new K-Mart? And while you’re at it, check out the old K-Mart — which is now a closed Michael’s.[ cut to Man driving in his parents’ car ]
Announcer: Or drive around listening to the only CD your Mom owns.[ cut to random locations ]
Announcer: Plus: Your Hometown offers exotic destinations for smoking weed — like this swing… the train track… and Matt’s hot tub.[ dissolve to exterior of high school ]
Announcer: If you’re in for a day trip, drive on down to your old high school to visit your old teacher… then think, “Why would I do this?”, and leave.[ dissolve to movie theater ]
Announcer: Or go see a movie — by yourself.
Announcer: Oh, look! It’s someone from your high school! How fun![ dissolve to aerial view of Your Hometown ]
Announcer: So book your tickets to Your Hometown today![ dissolve to Mom holding up bagged goods ]
Announcer: And bring home some souveniers that you’ll just have to leave at the airport.[ dissolve to Man carrying the bagged good down the walk, as Mom and tight underwear-clad Dad with garden hose wave goodbye ]
Announcer: Your Hometown. We’d love you to stay for a week — but we’ll settle for three days![ SUPER: “Your Hometown: Brought to you by the Your Hometown Board of Tourism” ] [ fade ]