SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Renner: 11/17/12: Your Hometown

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 8

12h: Jeremy Renner / Maroon 5

Your Hometown

Man…..Taran Killam
Dad…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Aidy Bryant
Matt…..Bobby Moynihan
Classmate…..Tim Robinson

[ open on lush tropical footage ]

Announcer: It’s that time of year again — The Holidays! This season, don’t waste your time on the white beaches of Hawaii.

[ dissolve to aerial footage of “Your Hometown” ]

Announcer: Instead, why not visit the sunny, paved streets of your hometown?

[ dissolve to suburban house, as Man’s parents open the door with big smiles on their faces ]

Announcer: There, you’ll enjoy four-star accomodations at your childhood home.

[ dissolve to Mom on exerise equipment in Man’s bedroom ]

Announcer: Featuring an all-access gym — located, conveniently, in your room! Along with a 24-hour business center — also in your room!

[ reveal Dad using the computer on the other side of Mab’s bed ] [ dissolve to the breakfast table ]

Announcer: Enjoy long, long Continental breakfast.

[ dissolve to the living room ]

Announcer: Unwind in front of the deepest TV ever sold.

[ dissolve to Mom carrying towels into the bedroom ]

Announcer: And pamper yourself with scratchy, bleach-stained towels from 1994.

[ dissolve to basement ]

Announcer: Your childhood home offers a wide range of on-site activity. You could always clean out this box of stuff, or it’s going to be thrown away…

[ dissolve to yard ]

Announcer: Or — pick up these sticks.

[ dissolve to Dad changing a light bulb in his tight underwear ]

Announcer: And our attentive staff is there to assist you with anything that may come up.

[ cut to Man standing in a K-Mart parking lot ]

Announcer: Who needs snorkeling and parasailing — when you can check out the new K-Mart? And while you’re at it, check out the old K-Mart — which is now a closed Michael’s.

[ cut to Man driving in his parents’ car ]

Announcer: Or drive around listening to the only CD your Mom owns.

[ cut to random locations ]

Announcer: Plus: Your Hometown offers exotic destinations for smoking weed — like this swing… the train track… and Matt’s hot tub.

[ dissolve to exterior of high school ]

Announcer: If you’re in for a day trip, drive on down to your old high school to visit your old teacher… then think, “Why would I do this?”, and leave.

[ dissolve to movie theater ]

Announcer: Or go see a movie — by yourself.

[ reveal a high school classmate working at the concession stand ]

Announcer: Oh, look! It’s someone from your high school! How fun!

[ dissolve to aerial view of Your Hometown ]

Announcer: So book your tickets to Your Hometown today!

[ dissolve to Mom holding up bagged goods ]

Announcer: And bring home some souveniers that you’ll just have to leave at the airport.

[ dissolve to Man carrying the bagged good down the walk, as Mom and tight underwear-clad Dad with garden hose wave goodbye ]

Announcer: Your Hometown. We’d love you to stay for a week — but we’ll settle for three days!

[ SUPER: “Your Hometown: Brought to you by the Your Hometown Board of Tourism” ] [ fade ]

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