SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Renner: 11/17/12: The Stand Off

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 8


















12h: Jeremy Renner / Maroon 5

The Stand Off

Gangster #1…..Taran Killam
Gangster #2…..Jeremy Renner
Hanson…..Bobby Moynihan
Wife…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Adam Levine

[ open on brick wall, with “THE STAND OFF” imprinted on it ] [ pan over to reveal three men each standing with a pair of guns pointed at one another in a dark parking garage ]

Gangster #1: : Where’s the hard drive, Hanson?

Hanson: When I get my money, you’ll get your hard drive.

Gangster #2: That doesn’t work for me. I want both.

[ music intensifies, as everyone remains pointed at one another via extreme close-ups of their scrunched-up faces ]

Gangster #2: [ checks his watch ] Can we hurry this up?

Gangster #1: You got somewhere you need to be?

Gangster #2: Yeah. I gotta pick up my kid from dance class.

Hanson: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.

Gangster #2: Yeah? Well, try and stop me.

[ music intensifies as he steps toward his car, the circle of men and guns following without breaking up the circle ]

Gangster #2: [ looking around ] The keys are in my pocket.

[ suddenly, the three men, with guns pointed, are sitting in a cab ]

Gangster #2: 11th and Avenue A, please!

[ the cab arrives at the dance class ]

Girl: Daddy!

Gangster #2: Hi, sweetheart!

[ she runs up to the circle of men and hugs her daddy ] [ cut to the man reading “Goodnight, Moon” to his daughter in bed, with the other two men still within the circle pointing their guns ] [ cut to the three men asleep in bed, until one stirs in bed and they all wake with a start and cock their guns at one another ] [ cut to the three men together in the shower the next morning, with guns still pointing ] [ cut to Thanksgiving dinner, the three men amid the family with guns pointing ]

Wife: I guess… I’ll go first? I… am… thankful for… my family.

[ cut to the three men, with backs turned, at public urinals ] [ cut to the three men ice-skating with guns pointing ] [ cut to the three men walking away from the skating rink, with guns still pointing ]

Gangster #2: That was actually a lot of fun!

Gangster #1: Yeah!

Gangster #2: You’re a good skater.

Hanson: Thanks!

[ suddenly, Adam Levine walks up ]

Adam Levine: Hey, guys!

[ the three men cock their guns and point them at Levine, who points his guns at them ]

Adam Levine: I’m looking 34th and 5th?

Gangster #2: You just passed it. A few blocks back that way.

Adam Levine: [ he lifts his guns ] Thanks.

[ Levine backs up and walks away, as the three men cock their guns and resume facing one another ]

Gangster #1: That was Adam Levine.

Hanson: [ excited ] That was Adam Levine?!

Gangster #2: I think so.

[ cut to the three men back in the parking garage ]

Gangster #2: Let’s do it Any last words?

Hanson: Yeah. [ as the music swells ] These have been the greatest few days of my life. You can keep the hard drive and the money — I don’t want it! I mean… what you guys have given me is more valuable than any —

[ suddenly, the other two men repeatedly open fire on him, even continuing to shoot long after he’s obviously dead ] [ after a moment, the remaining two men point their guns at one another… and wait ]

Gangster #1: [ checking his watch ] Hey, listen. I have to let my cats outside.

[ the other man nods, and they slowly walk away without lowering their guns ] [ just for good measure, they each fire upon their fallen comrade once more ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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