Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 8
The Stand Off
Gangster #1…..Taran Killam
Gangster #2…..Jeremy Renner
[ open on brick wall, with “THE STAND OFF” imprinted on it ]
[ pan over to reveal three men each standing with a pair of guns pointed at one another in a dark parking garage ]
Gangster #1: : Where’s the hard drive, Hanson?
Hanson: When I get my money, you’ll get your hard drive.
Gangster #2: That doesn’t work for me. I want both.
[ music intensifies, as everyone remains pointed at one another via extreme close-ups of their scrunched-up faces ]
Gangster #2: [ checks his watch ] Can we hurry this up?
Gangster #1: You got somewhere you need to be?
Gangster #2: Yeah. I gotta pick up my kid from dance class.
Hanson: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.
Gangster #2: Yeah? Well, try and stop me.
[ music intensifies as he steps toward his car, the circle of men and guns following without breaking up the circle ]
Gangster #2: [ looking around ] The keys are in my pocket.
[ suddenly, the three men, with guns pointed, are sitting in a cab ]
Gangster #2: 11th and Avenue A, please!
[ the cab arrives at the dance class ]
Gangster #2: Hi, sweetheart!
[ she runs up to the circle of men and hugs her daddy ]
[ cut to the man reading “Goodnight, Moon” to his daughter in bed, with the other two men still within the circle pointing their guns ]
[ cut to the three men asleep in bed, until one stirs in bed and they all wake with a start and cock their guns at one another ]
[ cut to the three men together in the shower the next morning, with guns still pointing ]
[ cut to Thanksgiving dinner, the three men amid the family with guns pointing ]
Wife: I guess… I’ll go first? I… am… thankful for… my family.
[ cut to the three men, with backs turned, at public urinals ]
[ cut to the three men ice-skating with guns pointing ]
[ cut to the three men walking away from the skating rink, with guns still pointing ]
Gangster #2: That was actually a lot of fun!
Gangster #1: Yeah!
Gangster #2: You’re a good skater.
[ suddenly, Adam Levine walks up ]
Adam Levine: Hey, guys!
[ the three men cock their guns and point them at Levine, who points his guns at them ]
Adam Levine: I’m looking 34th and 5th?
Gangster #2: You just passed it. A few blocks back that way.
Adam Levine: [ he lifts his guns ] Thanks.
[ Levine backs up and walks away, as the three men cock their guns and resume facing one another ]
Gangster #1: That was Adam Levine.
Hanson: [ excited ] That was Adam Levine?!
Gangster #2: I think so.
[ cut to the three men back in the parking garage ]
Gangster #2: Let’s do it Any last words?
Hanson: Yeah. [ as the music swells ] These have been the greatest few days of my life. You can keep the hard drive and the money — I don’t want it! I mean… what you guys have given me is more valuable than any —
[ suddenly, the other two men repeatedly open fire on him, even continuing to shoot long after he’s obviously dead ]
[ after a moment, the remaining two men point their guns at one another… and wait ]
Gangster #1: [ checking his watch ] Hey, listen. I have to let my cats outside.
[ the other man nods, and they slowly walk away without lowering their guns ]
[ just for good measure, they each fire upon their fallen comrade once more ]
[ fade ]