SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Renner: 11/17/12: The Stand Off

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 8

12h: Jeremy Renner / Maroon 5

The Stand Off

Gangster #1…..Taran Killam
Gangster #2…..Jeremy Renner
Hanson…..Bobby Moynihan
Wife…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Adam Levine

[ open on brick wall, with “THE STAND OFF” imprinted on it ] [ pan over to reveal three men each standing with a pair of guns pointed at one another in a dark parking garage ]

Gangster #1: : Where’s the hard drive, Hanson?

Hanson: When I get my money, you’ll get your hard drive.

Gangster #2: That doesn’t work for me. I want both.

[ music intensifies, as everyone remains pointed at one another via extreme close-ups of their scrunched-up faces ]

Gangster #2: [ checks his watch ] Can we hurry this up?

Gangster #1: You got somewhere you need to be?

Gangster #2: Yeah. I gotta pick up my kid from dance class.

Hanson: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.

Gangster #2: Yeah? Well, try and stop me.

[ music intensifies as he steps toward his car, the circle of men and guns following without breaking up the circle ]

Gangster #2: [ looking around ] The keys are in my pocket.

[ suddenly, the three men, with guns pointed, are sitting in a cab ]

Gangster #2: 11th and Avenue A, please!

[ the cab arrives at the dance class ]

Girl: Daddy!

Gangster #2: Hi, sweetheart!

[ she runs up to the circle of men and hugs her daddy ] [ cut to the man reading “Goodnight, Moon” to his daughter in bed, with the other two men still within the circle pointing their guns ] [ cut to the three men asleep in bed, until one stirs in bed and they all wake with a start and cock their guns at one another ] [ cut to the three men together in the shower the next morning, with guns still pointing ] [ cut to Thanksgiving dinner, the three men amid the family with guns pointing ]

Wife: I guess… I’ll go first? I… am… thankful for… my family.

[ cut to the three men, with backs turned, at public urinals ] [ cut to the three men ice-skating with guns pointing ] [ cut to the three men walking away from the skating rink, with guns still pointing ]

Gangster #2: That was actually a lot of fun!

Gangster #1: Yeah!

Gangster #2: You’re a good skater.

Hanson: Thanks!

[ suddenly, Adam Levine walks up ]

Adam Levine: Hey, guys!

[ the three men cock their guns and point them at Levine, who points his guns at them ]

Adam Levine: I’m looking 34th and 5th?

Gangster #2: You just passed it. A few blocks back that way.

Adam Levine: [ he lifts his guns ] Thanks.

[ Levine backs up and walks away, as the three men cock their guns and resume facing one another ]

Gangster #1: That was Adam Levine.

Hanson: [ excited ] That was Adam Levine?!

Gangster #2: I think so.

[ cut to the three men back in the parking garage ]

Gangster #2: Let’s do it Any last words?

Hanson: Yeah. [ as the music swells ] These have been the greatest few days of my life. You can keep the hard drive and the money — I don’t want it! I mean… what you guys have given me is more valuable than any —

[ suddenly, the other two men repeatedly open fire on him, even continuing to shoot long after he’s obviously dead ] [ after a moment, the remaining two men point their guns at one another… and wait ]

Gangster #1: [ checking his watch ] Hey, listen. I have to let my cats outside.

[ the other man nods, and they slowly walk away without lowering their guns ] [ just for good measure, they each fire upon their fallen comrade once more ] [ fade ]

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