SNL Transcripts: Jamie Foxx: 12/08/12: Swarovski Crystals

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 9

12i: Jamie Foxx / Ne-Yo

Swarovski Crystals

Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Starlet…..Cecily Strong
Sammy Stamina…..Jamie Foxx

[ open on two girls holding up their hands to make their varous crystals noticeable ]

Brookie: Bliss.

Starlet: Glamour.

Brookie: Elegance.

Starlet: Style.

Together: Luxury!! Swarovski Crystals!

Brookie: All the trappings… of an elegant woman.

Starlet: You can have it all…

Together: With Swarovski Crystals!!

Brookie: Hi! We’re not porn stars any more. I’m Brookie…

Starlet: And I forget.

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more. But that doesn’t mean we don’t love style.

[ Sammy Stamina appears ]

Sammy Stamina: Did somebody mention STYLE?!

Brookie: Yeah, yeah…

[ they wave him away ]

Brookie: Diamonds are too expensive and heavy. No thanks, Jose!

Starlet: Crystals are light and fifty dollars — plus, they’re diamonds. And they’re perfect for:

Brookie: Christmas.

Starlet: Bracelet.

Brookie: Necklace.

Starlet: Business.

Brookie: Wearing.

Starlet: Crystals.

Brookie: They look great on your hands, and your face.

Starlet: Or in your house… on the… on the tall things with different levels.

Brookie: Uh… shelves.

Starlet: Oh, yeah — shelves.

[ Sammy Stamina appears ]

Sammy Stamina: Did somebody mention SHELVES?

Brookie: No, no…

Sammy Stamina: Okay.

[ they wave him away ]

Together: Swarovski Crystals!

Starlet: One time, I was with EIGHT guys at once, and I thought that was the pinnacle. But now, it’s crystals!

Brookie: My brain doesn’t function. It got banged off its axis. But I can still notice the sparkle of Swarovski Crystals!

Starlet: One time, I got banged to death for five minutes. Then, I got banged back to life — Thanks, Crystals!

Brookie: I lost part of my foot. It broke off in a butt. And I’ve regretted it ever since. But I DON’T regret wearing… CRYSTALS!

Starlet: One time, I thought I was asleep. But I was just drug-dead. Then I noticed a Swarovski Crystal on my wrist, and I thought, “Okay!”

Brookie: I miss smoking. Remember smoking? [ she mimes a cigarette ]

Starlet: Yeah, yeah!

[ Sammy Stamina appears ]

Sammy Stamina: Did somebody say SMOKING?

Starlet: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah…

Brookie: Go, go…

Sammy Stamina: Hi! My name is Sammy Stamina. I did porn, too! Until they told me I had to start wearing condoms. I said, “No way! I got integrity!”

Girls: …And Crystals!!

Sammy Stamina: Some girls is nice, I give a… a Shar… a Sharkie Crystal. [ he tries not to laugh ] They cost less than diamonds. But they DIAMONDS! And it’s a 1-1 situation. [ the girls each hold up a finger ] If I could, I’d have my TEETH made of these crystals! But, instead, tey PLASTIC! But my soup ain’t complaining. And to my middle school teacher — the one who said I’d never be a professional actor — all I have to say is: I’m STILL trying to find out where you live, so I can KILL you!

Brookie: No, no… no threats! We have to send this to television… so we can get FREE CRYSTALS!

Girls: From Swarovski!!

Sammy Stamina: Oh, yeah, that’s right! The plan!

Starlet: Wink! [ she tries hard to wink one eye ]

Sammy Stamina: Because there’s ONE thing that don’t NEVER go out of style:

Girls: ANAL!!

Starlet: Okay! Okay, grand finale!

[ the girls mime rowing a boat ]

Sammy Stamina: Sharkie Crystals. They’re crystal for sharks!

[ cut to product slide, then return to the girls ]

Together: Swarovski Crystals! Ooooohhhh, we’re covered in this stuff! Luxury, that is! And the “Oooh!” wasn’t gross, it was like, “Ooooh!”

[ fade ]

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