SNL Transcripts: Jamie Foxx: 12/08/12: Swarovski Crystals


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 9

12i: Jamie Foxx / Ne-Yo

Swarovski Crystals

Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Starlet…..Cecily Strong
Sammy Stamina…..Jamie Foxx

[ open on two girls holding up their hands to make their varous crystals noticeable ]

Brookie: Bliss.

Starlet: Glamour.

Brookie: Elegance.

Starlet: Style.

Together: Luxury!! Swarovski Crystals!

Brookie: All the trappings… of an elegant woman.

Starlet: You can have it all…

Together: With Swarovski Crystals!!

Brookie: Hi! We’re not porn stars any more. I’m Brookie…

Starlet: And I forget.

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more. But that doesn’t mean we don’t love style.

[ Sammy Stamina appears ]

Sammy Stamina: Did somebody mention STYLE?!

Brookie: Yeah, yeah…

[ they wave him away ]

Brookie: Diamonds are too expensive and heavy. No thanks, Jose!

Starlet: Crystals are light and fifty dollars — plus, they’re diamonds. And they’re perfect for:

Brookie: Christmas.

Starlet: Bracelet.

Brookie: Necklace.

Starlet: Business.

Brookie: Wearing.

Starlet: Crystals.

Brookie: They look great on your hands, and your face.

Starlet: Or in your house… on the… on the tall things with different levels.

Brookie: Uh… shelves.

Starlet: Oh, yeah — shelves.

[ Sammy Stamina appears ]

Sammy Stamina: Did somebody mention SHELVES?

Brookie: No, no…

Sammy Stamina: Okay.

[ they wave him away ]

Together: Swarovski Crystals!

Starlet: One time, I was with EIGHT guys at once, and I thought that was the pinnacle. But now, it’s crystals!

Brookie: My brain doesn’t function. It got banged off its axis. But I can still notice the sparkle of Swarovski Crystals!

Starlet: One time, I got banged to death for five minutes. Then, I got banged back to life — Thanks, Crystals!

Brookie: I lost part of my foot. It broke off in a butt. And I’ve regretted it ever since. But I DON’T regret wearing… CRYSTALS!

Starlet: One time, I thought I was asleep. But I was just drug-dead. Then I noticed a Swarovski Crystal on my wrist, and I thought, “Okay!”

Brookie: I miss smoking. Remember smoking? [ she mimes a cigarette ]

Starlet: Yeah, yeah!

[ Sammy Stamina appears ]

Sammy Stamina: Did somebody say SMOKING?

Starlet: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah…

Brookie: Go, go…

Sammy Stamina: Hi! My name is Sammy Stamina. I did porn, too! Until they told me I had to start wearing condoms. I said, “No way! I got integrity!”

Girls: …And Crystals!!

Sammy Stamina: Some girls is nice, I give a… a Shar… a Sharkie Crystal. [ he tries not to laugh ] They cost less than diamonds. But they DIAMONDS! And it’s a 1-1 situation. [ the girls each hold up a finger ] If I could, I’d have my TEETH made of these crystals! But, instead, tey PLASTIC! But my soup ain’t complaining. And to my middle school teacher — the one who said I’d never be a professional actor — all I have to say is: I’m STILL trying to find out where you live, so I can KILL you!

Brookie: No, no… no threats! We have to send this to television… so we can get FREE CRYSTALS!

Girls: From Swarovski!!

Sammy Stamina: Oh, yeah, that’s right! The plan!

Starlet: Wink! [ she tries hard to wink one eye ]

Sammy Stamina: Because there’s ONE thing that don’t NEVER go out of style:

Girls: ANAL!!

Starlet: Okay! Okay, grand finale!

[ the girls mime rowing a boat ]

Sammy Stamina: Sharkie Crystals. They’re crystal for sharks!

[ cut to product slide, then return to the girls ]

Together: Swarovski Crystals! Ooooohhhh, we’re covered in this stuff! Luxury, that is! And the “Oooh!” wasn’t gross, it was like, “Ooooh!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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