Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 9
Swarovski Crystals
Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Starlet…..Cecily Strong
Sammy Stamina…..Jamie Foxx
[ open on two girls holding up their hands to make their varous crystals noticeable ]
Brookie: Bliss.
Starlet: Glamour.
Brookie: Elegance.
Starlet: Style.
Together: Luxury!! Swarovski Crystals!
Brookie: All the trappings… of an elegant woman.
Starlet: You can have it all…
Together: With Swarovski Crystals!!
Brookie: Hi! We’re not porn stars any more. I’m Brookie…
Starlet: And I forget.
Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more. But that doesn’t mean we don’t love style.
[ Sammy Stamina appears ]
Sammy Stamina: Did somebody mention STYLE?!
Brookie: Yeah, yeah…
[ they wave him away ]
Brookie: Diamonds are too expensive and heavy. No thanks, Jose!
Starlet: Crystals are light and fifty dollars — plus, they’re diamonds. And they’re perfect for:
Brookie: Christmas.
Starlet: Bracelet.
Brookie: Necklace.
Starlet: Business.
Brookie: Wearing.
Starlet: Crystals.
Brookie: They look great on your hands, and your face.
Starlet: Or in your house… on the… on the tall things with different levels.
Brookie: Uh… shelves.
Starlet: Oh, yeah — shelves.
[ Sammy Stamina appears ]
Sammy Stamina: Did somebody mention SHELVES?
Brookie: No, no…
Sammy Stamina: Okay.
[ they wave him away ]
Together: Swarovski Crystals!
Starlet: One time, I was with EIGHT guys at once, and I thought that was the pinnacle. But now, it’s crystals!
Brookie: My brain doesn’t function. It got banged off its axis. But I can still notice the sparkle of Swarovski Crystals!
Starlet: One time, I got banged to death for five minutes. Then, I got banged back to life — Thanks, Crystals!
Brookie: I lost part of my foot. It broke off in a butt. And I’ve regretted it ever since. But I DON’T regret wearing… CRYSTALS!
Starlet: One time, I thought I was asleep. But I was just drug-dead. Then I noticed a Swarovski Crystal on my wrist, and I thought, “Okay!”
Brookie: I miss smoking. Remember smoking? [ she mimes a cigarette ]
Starlet: Yeah, yeah!
[ Sammy Stamina appears ]
Sammy Stamina: Did somebody say SMOKING?
Starlet: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah…
Brookie: Go, go…
Sammy Stamina: Hi! My name is Sammy Stamina. I did porn, too! Until they told me I had to start wearing condoms. I said, “No way! I got integrity!”
Girls: …And Crystals!!
Sammy Stamina: Some girls is nice, I give a… a Shar… a Sharkie Crystal. [ he tries not to laugh ] They cost less than diamonds. But they DIAMONDS! And it’s a 1-1 situation. [ the girls each hold up a finger ] If I could, I’d have my TEETH made of these crystals! But, instead, tey PLASTIC! But my soup ain’t complaining. And to my middle school teacher — the one who said I’d never be a professional actor — all I have to say is: I’m STILL trying to find out where you live, so I can KILL you!
Brookie: No, no… no threats! We have to send this to television… so we can get FREE CRYSTALS!
Girls: From Swarovski!!
Sammy Stamina: Oh, yeah, that’s right! The plan!
Starlet: Wink! [ she tries hard to wink one eye ]
Sammy Stamina: Because there’s ONE thing that don’t NEVER go out of style:
Girls: ANAL!!
Starlet: Okay! Okay, grand finale!
[ the girls mime rowing a boat ]
Sammy Stamina: Sharkie Crystals. They’re crystal for sharks!
[ cut to product slide, then return to the girls ]
Together: Swarovski Crystals! Ooooohhhh, we’re covered in this stuff! Luxury, that is! And the “Oooh!” wasn’t gross, it was like, “Ooooh!”
[ fade ]
