Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 9
Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney
Contestant #1…..Jay Pharoah
Contestant #2…..Jamie Foxx
Contestant #3…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: You’re watching th Game Show Network.[ dissolve to game show set ]
Host: Hello, and welcome to America’s most difficult game show — we show contestants a picture, and they have to tell us who it is! That’s right, it’s time for…
Audience: “Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney”!
Host: Just a reminder to you at home: No one has EVER won this game. It looks like today is going to be WORSE than usual. Let’s meet our contestants.[ reveal three Black contestants ]
Contestants: Hell, no! Nope! No way, man!
Host: Alright, alright… let’s get started. Contestants, tell me: [ reveal photo ] Is this Dylan McDermott… or Dermot Mulroney?
Contestant #3: [ throws his arms up ] We will NEVER know this![ buzzer ]
Host: The correct answer was… Dermot Mulroney. Next round! Tell me, contestants… [ reveal new photo ] Who’s this? As a reminder — the answer for the last round was Dermot Mulroney. THIS… is the other guy!
Contestant #2: Can you say both their names again?
Host: Dylan McDermott… Dermot Mulroney.
Contestant #3: Can you put a bigger space between the names… so… so e know when the first name ends and when the second name begins?[ buzzer ]
Host: Time’s up. That’s a picture of Dylan McDermott.
Contestant #2: Can we just skip to the end?
Host: No, no, no, no, no! You can do this! Just remember: Dermot Mulroney… is the one who’s in “The Truth About Cats & Dogs”. [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? “Must Love Dogs”, with Ashley Judd. [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? With Diane Lane. Who’s also in “Unbreakble”. [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? “Untraceable”! [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? “Unfaithful”! [ glances off-screen ] What’s that? BOTH “Untraceable” and “Unfaithful”! …So if any of that helps at all!
Contestants: It does not! It does not!
Host: Round Three. Hey! [ reveal new photo ] Who’s this guy? Remember: Dylan McDermott was in “The Practice”… and Dermot Mulroney was in a movie called “Staying Together”, where he played a character named Kit McDermott. And that is a true fact! So is this Dylan McDermott… or Kit McDermott?
Contestant #2: You know what? F you![ bell goes off ]
Host: Alright! Alright. Alright. You know what the means — it’s time for the McDermott Double. Get this right, and we’ll McDermott McDouble your points!
Contestant #3: [ shaking his head ] You’re a SICK man!
Host: [ laughing crazily ] Yeah! Yeah! Here we go: You have twenty seconds to write down your answer. [ reveal new photo ] Who’s this?[ clock ticks, as the contestants work through it ]
Host: Alright. Alright. Alright. [ he walks over to the contestants ] Alright, let’s see what you wrote down. Contestant #1, you wrote down: [ as he holds up his answer ] D-scribble, M-scribble. Yeah, that can’t count! We can’t count that!
Contestant #1: Had to try… had to try…
Host: Contestant #2, you wrote: [ as he holds up his answer ] Derbel McDillet.
Contestant #2: Yeah.
Host: I just want to check in with you… When you were writing down “Derbel McDillet”, did you think to yourself, “Yeahhhh… this is right”?
Contestant #2: Uh — yes, I did! At first, I was gonna write down… “Dermot… Ramoney”, but… that’s not a real name.
Host: So you settled on “Derbel McDillet”?
Contestant #2: [ he nods and drops his answer ] Yeah.
Host: How would you feel if I told you you wee dead wrong?
Contestant #2: I would NOT be surprised.
Host: Alright. Contestant #3, you wrote: [ as he holds up his answer] Rupert Everett.[ dinger ]
Host: [ surprised ] I’ve never heard that sound before. The judges are telling me that’s technically correct… since Rupert Everett IS the Gay Dermott Mulroney.
Contestant #3: [ excited ] So I WIN?!
Host: Well… we doubled your score. But zero times two is still zero. Now, it’s time for the final round. Contestants, please tell me: WHO is this?![ suddenly, Dermot Mulroney steps out ]
Dermot Mulroney: I was in “My Best Friend’s Wedding”… and I was just on, uh… “The New Girl”. [ he holds up Dylan McDermott’s photograph ] This is a picture of my face. Who am I? Dyland McDermott or Dermot Mulroney?
Host: Wait. wait… that’s a photo of Dylan McDermott.
Dermot Mulroney: [ irked ] You don’t have to give them the answer!
Host: But… you’re Dermot Mulroney.[ he considers this possibility ]
Dermot Mulroney: I am? Ooh… oh, my gosh! Oh, I’ve been sleeping with another man’s wife.
Host: Alright. Well, that’s how this show works. Once again, there’s no winner. But don’t change that channel, because next up: Three teenage girls from Alaska will play: “Djimon Hounsou OR Chiwetel Ejiofor?”
Contestants: I know who that is…! I know who that is…!
Host: Good night![ fade ]