Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 9
Sarah Ann Tucker…..Aidy Bryant
Ethan Vandermark…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on station ID card ]
Announcer: You’re watching WLBZ, Channel 2, Bangor, Maine. Up next: “Maine Justice”.[ cut to courtroom, with serious judicial soundtrack ]
Narrator: Meet the Plaintiff — Miss Sarah Ann Tucker. She says the Defendant subletted her house and ran up the water bill. She seeks $500 in reimbursement.
Meet the Defendant — Ethan Vandermark. He claims that the high water bill was due to a pre-existing leak.
Their fate will be decided according to the unique values of the great state of Maine. This is… “Maine Justice”![ cut to show graphics and title card, complete with bouncy jazz music ] [ dissolve back to courtroom ]
Bailiff: ALL RISE for your Honorable Most ??[ Judge approache his bench ]
Judge: Mmm-mmm-mmm! Alright there! Alright, now! Okay, y’all take a seat! Y’all take a seat, rigt here, right now! [ he bangs his gavel ] Okay? Alright, here we go! I’m about to serve up a heapin’ spoonful of Maine Justice here! [ he wipes his chin with a handkerchief ] Mmm! Well, now, how you doin’ today, Jesse?
Bailiff: Ooooooh-wee! This thick, humid air here… Get to it today, y’all!
Judge: [ wiping his brow ] Mmm-hmm, ooh-wee! That is true! We in Maine fo’ sure! Mmm! Now, hello there, Miss Tucker.
Sarah Ann Tucker: [ fanning herself ] Hello, Your Honor!
Judge: Yeah! Yeah! Say — how’s your daughter doin’?
Sarah Ann Tucker: Oh, she’s just fine, Your Honor. You know, she’s goin’ to school up there in the Connecticut!
Judge: Oh, yeah? Well, they got some good schools up there! you know that’s true, that’s true. [ he wipes his chin ] But I like to think you could learn a thing or two DOWN HERE in Maine, as well!
Judge: Uh-huh! And, uh, how are you doin’ over there, Mr., uh — who is he? — Mr. Vanderkirk? Huh? VanderMARK? Is that what it is? Are you from out of town? Is that right?
Ethan Vandermark: That’s correct. Hey — what the hell is going on here?
Judge: Okay! Alright, now! [ he wipes his chin ] Okay, now, here we go! Miss Tucker? Uh, what’s all this goin’ on now about this here, with all this here mess now?
Sarah Ann Tucker: Well, Judge… I loant this man my house, and I wilfully included utilities.
Sarah Ann Tucker: But then, I come back and — hoooo-wee! — he done run up the water bill like somethin’ I don’t know what!
Ethan Vandermark: Okay, that’s not true.
Judge: [ banging his gavel ] HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!!! YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!
Bailiff: Shut your mouth, boy! You in MAINE now, boy!
Judge: That’s right!!
Bailiff: Bangor, Maine, baby!
Bailiff: You gonna find a few things that’s different around here!
Judge: That’s right! You’d best watch yourself, boy, or you gonna find yourself HOG-TIED and tossed into a swamp full of gators, like that![ the Bailiff claps his hands together like gator teeth ]
Ethan Vandermark: Alligtors? In Maine?
Bailiff: You damn tootin’!
Judge: Yeah! ‘Cause this here’s MAINE JUSTICE right here!![ the courtroom gives a “Hoooo-weeeeee!!” ]
Judge: Okay, okay, alright, alright, alright, okay, okay, okay!! [ he bangs his gavel ] Order in my courtroom! Order in my — y’all shut your butts! That’s right! [ he wipes his chin ] Okay, now this man right here may not be from around these parts, but let’s see what this little crawdaddy gotta say!
Ethan Vandermark: Um… okay. Well, may wife and I hve always wanted to go to Maine, so —
Bailiff: Damn right!
Bailiff: Home of Jazz, baby!
Judge: That’s right!
Bailiff: Mardi Gras! Steve Ontkean!
Judge: That’s right!
Ethan Vandermark: [ stunned ] Right… Anyway… we rented this house, and I guess there was a leak in the basement, but we didn’t realize it. THAT’S why the water bill was so high.
Sarah Ann Tucker: He’s lyin’! He’s lyin’ like a VIPER in the red Maine mud!
Ethan Vandermark: I’m not lyin’!
Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Oh, wo, wo, wo!! Hey, next time you interrupt a woman in MY courtroom, we gonna send you off to a LIGHTHOUSE crawlin’ with GATORS!![ the Bailiff claps his hands together like gator teeth ]
Ethan Vandermark: What?!
Judge: Okay, now! [ he wpes his chin ] There, there, there… mmm-hmm. Let ‘im be, Jesse. Let up.
Bailiff: [ still clapping his hands together ] Oh, I hate gators!
Judge: I know it, I know it! Don’t give me that! Now, Miss Tucker — I believe you had a WITNESS you want to call?
Sarah Ann Tucker: That’s right. I call Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey.
Judge: Alright![ the Congressman enters through a side door, clutching a piss jar ]
Bailiff: Do you swear you’re gonna tell the truth and nothin’ BUT the truth, baby?
Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Awwww, HELL, yeah!!
Judge: Okay, alright, yeah! [ he wipes his chin ] Uh, now — Congressman Carrey? Uh, what did you did see up in there?
Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: [ in heavy Cajun accent ] Uhhhhhhh… I seen this fool, he bin runnin’ his water all day!
Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Yeah, like he’s tryin’ to drink up the whole bayou, or somethin’!
Judge: Yeah! [ he laughs ]
Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: I be like, “Hey! Hey! Whatchoo tryin’ make a fool out of her?!” his ain’t no Bon Tempe Roulette, my friend, ’cause there ain’t NOBODY make a fool outta the good people of Maine, exceptin’ the Lord Himself!
Judge: That’s right!
Ethan Vandermark: I don’t even know what this little weirdo is saying!
Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! That little WEIRDO’S an EIGHT-TERM CONGRESSMAN!!
Bailiff: That man right there’s a New England treasure, baby!
Judge: That’s right! Son, I WARNED you about smartin’ off, and I don’t know if you GET where you IS! But you in MAINE now, BOY! The only place you can fill a jarful of maple syrup as it drips directly from a bald cypress tree, lessen a voodoo lobster get to it first!!
Ethan Vandermark: What?! Can someone please explain to me WHAT is going on?!
Judge: Okay, alright. Well, look here, look here. [ he wipes his chin ] Maybe we all relocated heres after Katrina, but we don’t wanna change our ways, right?
Bailiff: Or maybe we part of some kind of courtroom exchange program, baby!
Sarah Ann Tucker: Yeah, or maybe there’s a space-time portal, and we spend half our tme in Maine and half in New Orleans, and we’ve started to mix the two up!
Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Tht’s what it is!
Ethan Vandermark: [ rubbing his head ] I am SO confused…
Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Okay, alright, now! Here we go! I’m gonna make my ruling, okay?! Hmmmm… let’s see. Mr. Vandermark?! I fine you guilty of bein’ a FAST-TALKIN’, WATER-WASTIN’, NO-GOOD YANKEE!! [ as he pratically crawls over his bench ] That’s right! And I hereby sentence you to eat one of the SPICIEST bowls of jambalaya you ever seen!!
Ethan Vandermark: [ incredulous ] That’s the sentence?
Judge: Whooooooooo!! It’s gonna be so spicy, sure, we gonna have to tie him up to Uncle Orville’s airboat and drag his bare lily-white butt cross the swamp to put out that ass fire! [ the Bailiff cracks up laughing ] Ohhh, Jesse! That’s what has to happen!
Bailiff: Ass fire!
Judge: That’s right!! Ohhhhhhhhh!! That’s just how I like doin’ it down here in Bangor, Maine! ‘Cause this here… [ he holds it for an extended moment, as the Bailiff laughs ] is MAINE JUSTICE!! [ he slams his gavel ] [ suddenly, a Second Line breaks out across the courtroom ] [ fade ]