SNL Transcripts: Jamie Foxx: 12/08/12: Maine Justice



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 9
















12i: Jamie Foxx / Ne-Yo

Maine Justice

Sarah Ann Tucker…..Aidy Bryant
Ethan Vandermark…..Bobby Moynihan
Bailiff…..Jamie Foxx
Judge…..Jason Sudeikis
Congressman…..Charlie Day

[ open on station ID card ]

Announcer: You’re watching WLBZ, Channel 2, Bangor, Maine. Up next: “Maine Justice”.

[ cut to courtroom, with serious judicial soundtrack ]

Narrator: Meet the Plaintiff — Miss Sarah Ann Tucker. She says the Defendant subletted her house and ran up the water bill. She seeks $500 in reimbursement.

Meet the Defendant — Ethan Vandermark. He claims that the high water bill was due to a pre-existing leak.

Their fate will be decided according to the unique values of the great state of Maine. This is… “Maine Justice”!

[ cut to show graphics and title card, complete with bouncy jazz music ] [ dissolve back to courtroom ]

Bailiff: ALL RISE for your Honorable Most ??

[ Judge approache his bench ]

Judge: Mmm-mmm-mmm! Alright there! Alright, now! Okay, y’all take a seat! Y’all take a seat, rigt here, right now! [ he bangs his gavel ] Okay? Alright, here we go! I’m about to serve up a heapin’ spoonful of Maine Justice here! [ he wipes his chin with a handkerchief ] Mmm! Well, now, how you doin’ today, Jesse?

Bailiff: Ooooooh-wee! This thick, humid air here… Get to it today, y’all!

Judge: [ wiping his brow ] Mmm-hmm, ooh-wee! That is true! We in Maine fo’ sure! Mmm! Now, hello there, Miss Tucker.

Sarah Ann Tucker: [ fanning herself ] Hello, Your Honor!

Judge: Yeah! Yeah! Say — how’s your daughter doin’?

Sarah Ann Tucker: Oh, she’s just fine, Your Honor. You know, she’s goin’ to school up there in the Connecticut!

Judge: Oh, yeah? Well, they got some good schools up there! you know that’s true, that’s true. [ he wipes his chin ] But I like to think you could learn a thing or two DOWN HERE in Maine, as well!

Bailiff: Hoo-hoo!

Judge: Uh-huh! And, uh, how are you doin’ over there, Mr., uh — who is he? — Mr. Vanderkirk? Huh? VanderMARK? Is that what it is? Are you from out of town? Is that right?

Ethan Vandermark: That’s correct. Hey — what the hell is going on here?

Judge: Okay! Alright, now! [ he wipes his chin ] Okay, now, here we go! Miss Tucker? Uh, what’s all this goin’ on now about this here, with all this here mess now?

Sarah Ann Tucker: Well, Judge… I loant this man my house, and I wilfully included utilities.

Judge: Mmm.

Sarah Ann Tucker: But then, I come back and — hoooo-wee! — he done run up the water bill like somethin’ I don’t know what!

Judge: Mmm!

Ethan Vandermark: Okay, that’s not true.

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!!! YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!

Bailiff: Shut your mouth, boy! You in MAINE now, boy!

Judge: That’s right!!

Bailiff: Bangor, Maine, baby!

Judge: Yep!

Bailiff: You gonna find a few things that’s different around here!

Judge: That’s right! You’d best watch yourself, boy, or you gonna find yourself HOG-TIED and tossed into a swamp full of gators, like that!

[ the Bailiff claps his hands together like gator teeth ]

Ethan Vandermark: Alligtors? In Maine?

Judge: Mmm!

Bailiff: You damn tootin’!

Judge: Yeah! ‘Cause this here’s MAINE JUSTICE right here!!

[ the courtroom gives a “Hoooo-weeeeee!!” ]

Judge: Okay, okay, alright, alright, alright, okay, okay, okay!! [ he bangs his gavel ] Order in my courtroom! Order in my — y’all shut your butts! That’s right! [ he wipes his chin ] Okay, now this man right here may not be from around these parts, but let’s see what this little crawdaddy gotta say!

Ethan Vandermark: Um… okay. Well, may wife and I hve always wanted to go to Maine, so —

Bailiff: Damn right!

Judge: Mmm-hmm!

Bailiff: Home of Jazz, baby!

Judge: That’s right!

Bailiff: Mardi Gras! Steve Ontkean!

Judge: That’s right!

Ethan Vandermark: [ stunned ] Right… Anyway… we rented this house, and I guess there was a leak in the basement, but we didn’t realize it. THAT’S why the water bill was so high.

Sarah Ann Tucker: He’s lyin’! He’s lyin’ like a VIPER in the red Maine mud!

Ethan Vandermark: I’m not lyin’!

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Oh, wo, wo, wo!! Hey, next time you interrupt a woman in MY courtroom, we gonna send you off to a LIGHTHOUSE crawlin’ with GATORS!!

[ the Bailiff claps his hands together like gator teeth ]

Ethan Vandermark: What?!

Judge: Okay, now! [ he wpes his chin ] There, there, there… mmm-hmm. Let ‘im be, Jesse. Let up.

Bailiff: [ still clapping his hands together ] Oh, I hate gators!

Judge: I know it, I know it! Don’t give me that! Now, Miss Tucker — I believe you had a WITNESS you want to call?

Sarah Ann Tucker: That’s right. I call Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey.

Judge: Alright!

[ the Congressman enters through a side door, clutching a piss jar ]

Bailiff: Do you swear you’re gonna tell the truth and nothin’ BUT the truth, baby?

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Awwww, HELL, yeah!!

Judge: Okay, alright, yeah! [ he wipes his chin ] Uh, now — Congressman Carrey? Uh, what did you did see up in there?

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: [ in heavy Cajun accent ] Uhhhhhhh… I seen this fool, he bin runnin’ his water all day!

Judge: Yeah?

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Yeah, like he’s tryin’ to drink up the whole bayou, or somethin’!

Judge: Yeah! [ he laughs ]

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: I be like, “Hey! Hey! Whatchoo tryin’ make a fool out of her?!” his ain’t no Bon Tempe Roulette, my friend, ’cause there ain’t NOBODY make a fool outta the good people of Maine, exceptin’ the Lord Himself!

Judge: That’s right!

Ethan Vandermark: I don’t even know what this little weirdo is saying!

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! That little WEIRDO’S an EIGHT-TERM CONGRESSMAN!!

Bailiff: That man right there’s a New England treasure, baby!

Judge: That’s right! Son, I WARNED you about smartin’ off, and I don’t know if you GET where you IS! But you in MAINE now, BOY! The only place you can fill a jarful of maple syrup as it drips directly from a bald cypress tree, lessen a voodoo lobster get to it first!!

Ethan Vandermark: What?! Can someone please explain to me WHAT is going on?!

Judge: Okay, alright. Well, look here, look here. [ he wipes his chin ] Maybe we all relocated heres after Katrina, but we don’t wanna change our ways, right?

Bailiff: Or maybe we part of some kind of courtroom exchange program, baby!

Judge: Yeah!

Sarah Ann Tucker: Yeah, or maybe there’s a space-time portal, and we spend half our tme in Maine and half in New Orleans, and we’ve started to mix the two up!

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Tht’s what it is!

Ethan Vandermark: [ rubbing his head ] I am SO confused…

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Okay, alright, now! Here we go! I’m gonna make my ruling, okay?! Hmmmm… let’s see. Mr. Vandermark?! I fine you guilty of bein’ a FAST-TALKIN’, WATER-WASTIN’, NO-GOOD YANKEE!! [ as he pratically crawls over his bench ] That’s right! And I hereby sentence you to eat one of the SPICIEST bowls of jambalaya you ever seen!!

Ethan Vandermark: [ incredulous ] That’s the sentence?

Judge: Whooooooooo!! It’s gonna be so spicy, sure, we gonna have to tie him up to Uncle Orville’s airboat and drag his bare lily-white butt cross the swamp to put out that ass fire! [ the Bailiff cracks up laughing ] Ohhh, Jesse! That’s what has to happen!

Bailiff: Ass fire!

Judge: That’s right!! Ohhhhhhhhh!! That’s just how I like doin’ it down here in Bangor, Maine! ‘Cause this here… [ he holds it for an extended moment, as the Bailiff laughs ] is MAINE JUSTICE!! [ he slams his gavel ] [ suddenly, a Second Line breaks out across the courtroom ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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