SNL Transcripts: Jamie Foxx: 12/08/12: Marcus Banks: Tree Pimp


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 9

12i: Jamie Foxx / Ne-Yo

Marcus Banks: Tree Pimp

Marcus Banks…..Kenan Thompson
Customer #1…..Taran Killam
Customer #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Customer #3…..Jay Pharoah
Police Officer…..John Solomon
Customer #4…..Tim Robinson
Wife…..Kate McKinnon
Mr. Peterson…..Fred Armisen
Daddy Kidd…..Jamie Foxx

[ open on seedy scenes of New York City at night during Christmas time ] [ reveal Marcus Banks walking the streets ]

Marcus Banks V/O: Twelve years, I was a pimp. That’s a long time in pimp years. I made a lot of paper. But then I got POPPED! Did my time, learned my lesson; now I’m straight. If you had told me back then that I would be selling Christmas trees… I’d say, “You’re CRAZY!”

[ cut to Marcus standing in front of a row of Christmas trees ]

Marcus Banks: But here I am! [ he fondles one of his trees ] [ cut to title card: “MARCUS BANKS: TREE PIMP” ]

Marcus Banks: Hos is a game. And trees is a game. And the game is the same.

[ cut to Marcus working a sale ]

Marcus Banks: Hey, you like what you see?

Customer #1: Yeah — maybe.

Marcus Banks: Yeah, she’s a nice one. She’ll do it all, too — FULL SERVICE.

[ Customer #1 stares at him dubiously ] [ cut to second sale ]

Customer #2: Is this thing a Douglas Fir?

Marcus Banks: She’ll be anything you want, Cowboy! You know what I’m sayin’? Best prices in town! Fresh!

[ Customer #2 glances down at the trunk of the tree, which is wearing a silver lame high heel ]

Marcus Banks: Yeah, you like that?

[ cut to third sale ]

Customer #3: You got any bigger ones?

Marcus Banks: Oh, she big where it counts. She clean, too. Hold up — Po Po! [ he straightens up and clears his throat as a police officer walks past ] Yeah, you know… this is a beautiful city, man… his is a real beautiful city… [ he stares in the police officer’s wake ]

Marcus Banks V/O: It’s a HARD game.

[ cut to Marcus walking down the street ]

Marcus Banks: Some motherfuckers wanna strap my bitches to the top of the car! Hell, no!

[ cut to fourth sale ]

Customer #4: Can I get a fresh cut at the bottom?

Marcus Banks: Say what?

Customer #4: Can I get a fresh cut?

Marcus Banks: You want me to cut ‘er?

Customer #4: Just a… [ he makes a thwapping motion with his hand ] at the bottom.

Marcus Banks: [ outraged ] Get the hell out of here!

Customer #4: No, man…

Marcus Banks: GET THE HELL ON OUTTA HERE!!! [ the Custoomr runs off ] I don’t CUT my bitches!!

[ cut to Marcus Banks testimonial ]

Marcus Banks: See, what I offer these trees is PROTECTION! You gotta make sure they SAFE! That’s Pimpin’ 101!

[ cut to Customer #1 and his wife trimming their tree in their home, as Marcus stands in the room and watches ]

Marcus Banks: Y’all got twenty minutes, now.

[ cut to Marcus Banks testimonial ]

Marcus Banks: Yeah, pimpin”s in my blood, you know? It’s in my DNA! It’s like chlorophyll to me! Or, uh — uh — uh — uh — photopinthesis!

[ cut to regular sale ]

Marcus Banks: Hey, Mr. Peterson! Third time this week, huh?

Mr. Peterson: Yeah! [ he carries tree away ]

Marcus Banks: Alright, Merry Christmas! [ he turns to the camera ] That is one WEIRD dude right there! But he pays. He pays.

[ reveal Mr. Peterson alone in his car with the tree, as he lowers it below the dashboard ] [ cut to Daddy Kidd, Rival Tree Pimp ]

Daddy Kidd: I hear y’all been talkin’ to Marcus, man. I mean, yeah — he put a SHOW on for ya’. But Marcus… [ he lowers his shades ] He COLD, man. You know? He got a DARK side. I never put my hands on a tree. But Marcus?

[ cut to Marcus yellin at a tree, then he knocks it over ]

Daddy Kidd V/O: It’s ungodly.

[ Marcus threatens another tree with pruning shears ]

Daddy Kidd: You probably know some of my A-List clients… but I’m not gonna mention no NAMEs, though, cuz — to me, that’s, you know, that’s SACRED! [ whispering ] Matt Lauer.

[ cut to second Daddy Kidd testimonial ]

Daddy Kidd: See — lookit, dawg: Marcus deals with a more volume business. Whereas, I deal in discerning clientele. I mean, I deal high-end! [ pointing over his shoulder ] That’s my biggest earner right there!

[ reveal the Christmas tree at 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Daddy Kidd: That’s my bottom bitch!

[ return to Marcus ]

Marcus Banks: You see, this game’ll break your heart if you let it. What’s sad is when you see a young tree. I don’t get down with no saplings!

[ cut to Marcus approaching a young sapling on the sidewalk ]

Marcus Banks: Whatchoo doin’ out here?! Get out of here! Go home! You barely got any rings yet!

[ return to Marcus ]

Marcus Banks: Now… I try to do RIGHT by these trees. Sometimes, I slip up.

[ cut to Marcus having sex with one of his trees ]

Marcus Banks: I’m not a perfect man. But it is what it is.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 5 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x