Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 9
Marcus Banks: Tree Pimp
Marcus Banks…..Kenan Thompson
Customer #1…..Taran Killam
Customer #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Customer #3…..Jay Pharoah
Police Officer…..John Solomon
Customer #4…..Tim Robinson
Mr. Peterson…..Fred Armisen
Daddy Kidd…..Jamie Foxx
[ open on seedy scenes of New York City at night during Christmas time ] [ reveal Marcus Banks walking the streets ]
Marcus Banks V/O: Twelve years, I was a pimp. That’s a long time in pimp years. I made a lot of paper. But then I got POPPED! Did my time, learned my lesson; now I’m straight. If you had told me back then that I would be selling Christmas trees… I’d say, “You’re CRAZY!”[ cut to Marcus standing in front of a row of Christmas trees ]
Marcus Banks: But here I am! [ he fondles one of his trees ] [ cut to title card: “MARCUS BANKS: TREE PIMP” ]
Marcus Banks: Hos is a game. And trees is a game. And the game is the same.[ cut to Marcus working a sale ]
Marcus Banks: Hey, you like what you see?
Customer #1: Yeah — maybe.
Marcus Banks: Yeah, she’s a nice one. She’ll do it all, too — FULL SERVICE.[ Customer #1 stares at him dubiously ] [ cut to second sale ]
Customer #2: Is this thing a Douglas Fir?
Marcus Banks: She’ll be anything you want, Cowboy! You know what I’m sayin’? Best prices in town! Fresh![ Customer #2 glances down at the trunk of the tree, which is wearing a silver lame high heel ]
Marcus Banks: Yeah, you like that?[ cut to third sale ]
Customer #3: You got any bigger ones?
Marcus Banks: Oh, she big where it counts. She clean, too. Hold up — Po Po! [ he straightens up and clears his throat as a police officer walks past ] Yeah, you know… this is a beautiful city, man… his is a real beautiful city… [ he stares in the police officer’s wake ]
Marcus Banks V/O: It’s a HARD game.[ cut to Marcus walking down the street ]
Marcus Banks: Some motherfuckers wanna strap my bitches to the top of the car! Hell, no![ cut to fourth sale ]
Customer #4: Can I get a fresh cut at the bottom?
Marcus Banks: Say what?
Customer #4: Can I get a fresh cut?
Marcus Banks: You want me to cut ‘er?
Customer #4: Just a… [ he makes a thwapping motion with his hand ] at the bottom.
Marcus Banks: [ outraged ] Get the hell out of here!
Customer #4: No, man…
Marcus Banks: GET THE HELL ON OUTTA HERE!!! [ the Custoomr runs off ] I don’t CUT my bitches!![ cut to Marcus Banks testimonial ]
Marcus Banks: See, what I offer these trees is PROTECTION! You gotta make sure they SAFE! That’s Pimpin’ 101!
Marcus Banks: Y’all got twenty minutes, now.[ cut to Marcus Banks testimonial ]
Marcus Banks: Yeah, pimpin”s in my blood, you know? It’s in my DNA! It’s like chlorophyll to me! Or, uh — uh — uh — uh — photopinthesis![ cut to regular sale ]
Marcus Banks: Hey, Mr. Peterson! Third time this week, huh?
Mr. Peterson: Yeah! [ he carries tree away ]
Marcus Banks: Alright, Merry Christmas! [ he turns to the camera ] That is one WEIRD dude right there! But he pays. He pays.[ reveal Mr. Peterson alone in his car with the tree, as he lowers it below the dashboard ] [ cut to Daddy Kidd, Rival Tree Pimp ]
Daddy Kidd: I hear y’all been talkin’ to Marcus, man. I mean, yeah — he put a SHOW on for ya’. But Marcus… [ he lowers his shades ] He COLD, man. You know? He got a DARK side. I never put my hands on a tree. But Marcus?
Daddy Kidd V/O: It’s ungodly.[ Marcus threatens another tree with pruning shears ]
Daddy Kidd: You probably know some of my A-List clients… but I’m not gonna mention no NAMEs, though, cuz — to me, that’s, you know, that’s SACRED! [ whispering ] Matt Lauer.[ cut to second Daddy Kidd testimonial ]
Daddy Kidd: See — lookit, dawg: Marcus deals with a more volume business. Whereas, I deal in discerning clientele. I mean, I deal high-end! [ pointing over his shoulder ] That’s my biggest earner right there![ reveal the Christmas tree at 30 Rockefeller Center ]
Daddy Kidd: That’s my bottom bitch![ return to Marcus ]
Marcus Banks: You see, this game’ll break your heart if you let it. What’s sad is when you see a young tree. I don’t get down with no saplings!
Marcus Banks: Whatchoo doin’ out here?! Get out of here! Go home! You barely got any rings yet![ return to Marcus ]
Marcus Banks: Now… I try to do RIGHT by these trees. Sometimes, I slip up.[ cut to Marcus having sex with one of his trees ]
Marcus Banks: I’m not a perfect man. But it is what it is.[ fade ]