SNL Transcripts: Martin Short: 12/15/12: Royal Family Doctor
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 10
Royal Family Doctor
Rupert Smythe-Pennington…..Martin Short
Queen Elizabeth II…..Fred Armisen
[open on a headline from British tabloid The Sun: KATE MIDDLETON PREGNANT]
[The Office of a OB/GYN in an England.]
Secretary: Doctor, the representative from Buckingham Palace is here.
Doctor: Wonderful, send him in, please.
[She exits and a small, officious man wearing a tweed suit enters, clutching a portfolio and sporting a prominent gap in his front teeth.]
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Hello, good afternoon, Doctor. I am Rupert Smythe-Pennington, and may I begin by congratulating you on your selection as OB/GYN to the Duchess of Cambridge.
Doctor: It’s a great honor.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: My role today is to instruct on the protocol of dealing with a member of the royal family.
Doctor: I have met members of the royal family before, so I assure you I’m up to speed.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Well you MAY well know the protocol for having an audience with the Duchess, but there is an entirely different set of protocol when one has an audience with the royal… ahem. (he clears his throat significantly)
Doctor: I’m sorry, are you referring to the vagina?
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: (Outraged) I will mark that down that you said that word once! Say it again, you will be deported to Australia!
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Moving on. When you meet a royal face to face, a small head bow is appropriate. When you meet the royal…ahem, the following is appropriate: (Miming great shock) PFHAW!
Doctor: I’m not comfortable with that.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Well I suggest you GET comfortable with it! Because after the nod, is is proper to address it as “Milady” and then great it with the phrase: “Fancy meeting you here!”
Doctor: That seams odd.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Well I assure you, on the day, it will seem natural. Now, throughout the examination it is imperative that you say the following words, to yourself, in the exact order as this: “This is great. This is so great. This is by far the best one of these I’ve ever seen. Man oh boy, THIS is great!”
Doctor: To myself?
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Yes, but loud enough for the DDuchess to hear. That’s the secret, isn’t it, when you’re speaking in a secret voice?
Doctor: I see.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Yes. Now, on certain former occasions, you will find that the Royal…Ahem will be wearing a hat.
Doctor: How does that work?
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: It’s a small hat.
Doctor: I see.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: If it is wearing a hat, you must wait for it to tip its hat before you tip yours.
Doctor: What if I’m not wearing a hat?
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Well, if IT’s wearing a hat, I suggest YOU get a hat. This is the Royal…Ahem after all.
Doctor: I’m sorry, must we call it the Royal…Ahem?
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: (Opening his Portfolio) Well, the only other acceptable terms I know is “The Governess,” “The Kingmaker”, “Her Downton Abbey”….(He stares at the Doctor for a long moment as Bill Hader tries to reign in his laughter, succesfully preventing himself from breaking.), “The Chunnel”, “Dame Judi Dench”, “Piccadilly Cervix” and “Thompson’s English Muffin.” Now?
Doctor: I’ll stick with the Royal…Ahem.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Moving on. There will be a member of the Royal palace guard in the room with you at all times, but I assure you, you will not notice them.
Doctor: I’d notice a member of the palace guard.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Have you noticed that one has been here the whole time?
(Reveal that a Palace Guard, in Iconic furry hat, is standing behind the doctor)
Palace Guard: ‘Ello!
(The Doctor jumps slightly.)
Doctor: This is very complicated.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Now, as Royal anatomies go, hers is pretty simple. Just be glad you’re not dealing with Camilla Parker-Bowles. (He begins barking and growling like a small dog.) Hers is accessible only by an old drawbridge and guarded by a troll who asks you a riddle.
Doctor: Yes, I’d heard about that.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Now this is very important. Please pay attention to what I’m about to say. Do you foresee any occasion whatsoever where you would have cause to examine the Royal butt-hole?
Doctor: Absolutely none.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: Oh good, that will save us a few hours. (Flipping through his portfolio.) Let’s see…butt-hole, butt-hole, butt-hole, more butt-hole…
Doctor: Just out of curiosity, are there names for the royal Butt-hole?
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: “Church of Taint Andrews.” Ah, here we are: Delivery day. Now, when the child is delivered, it is important that you do not reach for it unless it offers a hand to you. If it does not offer its hand, then wait for it to slide out on its own.
Doctor: Very good.
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: And then you will play peek-a-boo with the child and if it laughs you will be knighted.
Doctor: And if it cries?
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: (Mimes having his head cut off.) And I believe that about wraps it up. I don’t have much more. (Queen Elizabeth enters behind him.) Oh! Your majesty! Forgive me, I did not know you would be in the hospital this morning.
Queen Elizabeth: (In a thick cockney accent) Yeah, I’m ‘ere to get me Judi Dench washed. Where’s the bloke?
Rupert Smythe-Pennington: That chap.
Queen Elizabeth: Alright, ‘ere we go, alright. (She walks over to the examination chair, hoists herself up into it, places her feet in the stirrups and hikes up her skirt, exposing her underwear directly to camera.) Well, what are ya waiting for? Get in there, will ya?
Submitted by: Ted