SNL Transcripts: Martin Short: 12/15/12: Old Friends


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 10

12j: Martin Short / Paul Mccartney

Old Friends

Narrator…..Kenan Thompson
Mark…..Fred Armisen
Dennis…..Martin Short
Clerk…..Taran Killam

[ open on interior, Restoration Hardware ]

Narrator: Christmastime. Holiday shopping. The time of year when anything can happen. Sometimes, two old friends bump into each other at a Restoration Hardware… and they have a lot of “catching up” to do.

[ the Narrator steps aside ] [ Dennis enters the scene, as Mark ambles over from the background ]

Mark: Dennis!

Dennis: Mark!

Mark: Hi!

Dennis: How are you!

Mark: It’s been, like, three years?

Dennis: Oh, that sounds right.

[ they hug hello ]

Dennis: Now, Francis… Francis… Oh, this is great, because we were just talking about you! Francis said you were working as a James Cameron impersonator for parties?

Mark: Yeah… you know, I just kind of go to parties, and I’m, like, “Hey, I’m James Cameron. You know, I made Avatar…” That kind of thing, yes.

Dennis: How’s that going?

Mark: Uh, really bad. Uh… people do not like it.

Dennis: Oh.

Mark: Uh, you look really, really great. I heard you were acting now?

Dennis: Yes! Yes!

Mark: Is it like plays, or movies…?

Dennis: No, no, no, no! I do acting for EMT training.

Mark: Okay?

Dennis: Yeah! Like, I pretend to be a patient who refuses to get into the ambulance. You know? I’ll, like, hold on to something while the paramedics try to push me in. I’ll go, “No!! Noooo!! I’m not going in there!! No!!” You know, that kind of thing.

Mark: Great. Yeah, that’s great. Wow. Yeah.

Dennis: So, uh — are you still doing your painting?

Mark: Oh, no, no, no! I’m getting painted on. You know — I get naked, and they paint a bathing suit on me, and then they take pictures.

Dennis: Who does?

Mark: I… I don’t know.

Dennis: Oh.

Mark: Hey — I heard you went to the Olympics!

Dennis: No, that was a lie I spread! [ he sits on the couch ]

Mark: Ah. That’s great.

Dennis: Anyway, you look GREAT! You really… Are you working out?

Mark: No, I’m just doing this diet. It’s 25 bagels a day. That’s all I can eat, just 25 bagels a day.

Dennis: [ amazed ] What?!

Mark: Yeah, it seems to work. Sometimes I sneak out 26 bagels.

Dennis: Oh.

[ Clerk approaches ]

Clerk: Gentlemen?

Dennis: Yes?

Clerk: Can I, uh, help you find anything?

Dennis: Yes. [ he stands ] Well, uh, I’m looking for one of those ship captain’s telescopes?

Clerk: Okay.

Mark: And I need one of those big, decorative gramphones. You know?

Dennis: Yeah. And I’d like to pay a LOT for mine.

Mark: Yeah, me, too. That’d be great.

Clerk: Okay! Let me see what I have!

Dennis: Oh, great. Thank you.

[ the Clerk rushes off ]

Mark: Hey! Whatever happened to that book you were writing? Remember? About World War 2?

Dennis: Oh! You know what? That — yes! You know what I discovered, uh, as I was writing it? I don’t know ANYTHING about World War 2. And you know what else? I don’t how to write a book! I spent dix months at a computer, and all that came up was: “It was the 1940’s, and everything was in black-and-white.” You know?

Mark: That’s… that’s terrible.

Dennis: I know! I’m NOT a writer!

Mark: Yeah.

Dennis: I’m! Not! A writer!

Mark: Right… right…

Dennis: And, you know… it just HIT me!

Mark: Yeah.

Dennis: Hey, how’s your son?

Mark: I — I don’t have a son.

Dennis: Oh… I thought I saw you with a little kid?

Mark: Oh! No, no, no, no! That’s actually my adult brother. He was sort of standing behind me… so the perspective made it look smaller.

Dennis: Ohhhh!

Mark: So he was a grown-up, you know? I’m sorry — how’s your son?

Dennis: Well, the waiter or the porn star?

Mark: Uh — the waiter.

Dennis: Oh, he’s doing PORN now!

Mark: Oh. Wow.

Dennis: Boy, time goes fast, doesn’t it?

Mark: I know! It’s so easy to lose touch!

Dennis: I know. Oh, my God… OH!! Oh, I’m having a Christmas party! You should come!

Mark: Great! Uh, when is it?

Dennis: March 8th! Uh — it’s the only day that works for me, so… that’s what we’re doing.

Mark: You’re still at the same place?

Dennis: No! I now live in a big field. So, you just — you walk in any direction, and you’ll find it!

Mark: Great! I’ll book a horse. A car! Or, whatever.

[ Dennis laughs, as the Clerk returns with their merchandise ]

Clerk: Okay, guys, here you go. I’ve got one decorative gramophone… and one nautical telescope. These are each $3,000.

Dennis: Oh. Well, his is on mine!

Mark: You know what? His is on me.

Dennis: And his is on me!

Mark: Yeah!

Clerk: Okay, great! I’ll wrap these up?

Mark: [ to Dennis ] Hey, you want to drive around the parking lot and just wave to people?

Dennis: Oh, I’d like that!

Mark: Let’s do that!

Dennis: Oh, that’s so much fun!

Clerk: Hey, you two: Happy Holidays.

Dennis: Happy Holidays!!

[ Mark and Dennis walk off without their merchandise ]

Dennis: It’s so great to see you!

Mark: It’s so good to see you!

[ the Clerk is left alone ]

Clerk: Wait… they didn’t…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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