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SNL Transcripts: Martin Short: 12/15/12: Martin Short’s Monologue 
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 10
12j: Martin Short / Paul Mccartney
Martin Short’s Monologue
…..Martin Short
…..Paul Shaffer
…..Cecily Strong
…..Aidy Bryant
…..Kate McKinnon
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tom Hanks
…..Samuel L. Jackson
…..Tina Fey
…..Lorne Michaels
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Martin Short!
[ the crowd cheers wildly ]
Martin Short: Thank you!! Thank you so much! I can’t TELL you… how humbled… your response… makes a comedic icon like myself feel — Thank you!! You’re way too kind! Not kind enough to work in a soup kitchen, or help the homeless — but KIND all the same! Take your seats, this is fun! [ he throws his arms up ] I’m so excited! It’s an honor! It’s an honor to be back at “Saturday Night Live”. “SNL” has always been my first love — followed by the movies, then theater, then my money, and then family. And then, being here on the same show with PAUL MCCARTNEY!! [ the audience cheers wildly ] It’s insane, isn’t that right? Do you realize that, between us, Paul and I have sold over ONE HUNDRED MILLION records? Astounding! Plus, it’s Christmas! [ as Ed Grimley ] The yuletide is just so festive, I must say! And it doesn’t matter if you celebrate Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan or Christmas — the only thing that matters this time of year, is that all of us worship Christ, our Lord and Savior! [ he glances across the stage ] Oh! Oh, for Heaven’s sake — look at this little Christmas elf!
[ he walks over to Paul Shaffer at the piano ]
Martin Short: It’s Paul Shaffer!
[ the audience cheers wildly ]
Paul Shaffer: Thank you, everybody!
Martin Short: Did you know that Paul was here at “SNL” for the first five years of the show —
Paul Shaffer: That’s right!
Martin Short: Before he started working with… Is it Leno or Letterman, you work on?
Paul Shaffer: Letterman.
Martin Short: Letterman. Which one’s the cranky one?
Paul Shaffer: Letterman.
Martin Short: Oh. And, boy, you know, it’s funny… On the cab ride here tonight — because they wouldn’t send a car! — I was reflecting on the original impetus of…
[ Martin walks atop the piano, crushing Paul’s hand ]
Paul Shaffer: OWWWW!!!
Martin Short: I’m so sorry! You know, I get preoccupied, I’m sorry. [ he sits on the piano and crosses his legs ] We all know… that Christmastime is about shopping and wrapping and eating and drinking and warmth and family. But it also happens to be — and this is true — the time when the most babies are conceived. [ he smiles devilishly ] It’s true! Yes, it’s a time, not only to hustle and bustle, but also of hanky and panky. [ he squirms in place ] How does a man sit on a piano, I wonder? [ he adjusts his legs, then spreads himself back across the piano ] I don’t know!
[ singing ]
“Well, it’s Christmastime… and there’s love in the air
An embrace for the glance of her cash advance, catches you unawarrrrrrre!
It’s the most AMOROUS time of the year!”
[ he jumps to his feet ]
“It’s the most promiscuous time of the year!
All those hotties about, make your trousers stick out
like a red-nosed reindeeeeeeeeeerrr!
It’s the most lacivious time of the year!”
[ he runs into the audience ]
Martin Short: Oh, look at this nice couple! Merry Christmas! How long have you been together?
Man: Five years.
Martin Short: Oh, that’s nice! How about a nice kiss for the camera?
[ the man attempts to lean clos to his wife, but Martin intercepts and kisses his wife passionately instead ]
Martin Short: Thank you! [ he runs past the couple to Cecily Strong, Aidy Bryant and Kate McKinnon ] Oh, and look — it’s the new girls! [ he kisses each of them ] Whose names I just can’t recall!
[ singing ]
“You and some vixen hve both gotten blitzed
and you’re thinking of decking the halls!
Pretty soon you are flinging off your winter coat
and you’re bringing out your Christmas balls!”
[ he runs into a back hall ]
Martin Short: Kristen Wiig!! What are you doing here?
Kristen Wiig: Oh, Martin, are you kidding me? I am such a huge fan of yours, it’s the Christmas show, everyone’s here —
Martin Short: Yeah, and you’re here just for the free booze, right?
Kristen Wiig: What?! No! [ serious ] Where is it?
Martin Short: [ laughing ] Well, I’m gonna tell you where it is — if you’ll let me kiss your hand.
Kristen Wiig: Alright, it’s a deal. [ she extends her hand ]
Martin Short: No, not this one; the “nice” one.
[ Kristen lifts up her tiny Dooneese hand ]
Martin Short: Oh, thank you!
[ Martin kisses Kristen’s tiny hand, then she attempts to rub it across his covered chest, to Martin’s delight ]
Martin Short: [ singing ]
“It’s the rand-randiest time of the year!”
Oh, look — it’s Jimmy Fallon! [ he kisses Fallon’s cheek, then continues down the hall ] And, hey — it’s Tom Hanks! [ he kisses Hanks, then continues down the hall as Hanks and Fallon jump up to bump chests ] And, look — it’s Samuel L. Jackson! [ he attempts to kiss Jackson, but recoils at his silent death stare ]
Martin Short: [ singing ]
“The cashier at the mall said she’d like you to call her
and suddenly Cupid has struck!
Before you can blink, you go out for a drink
and you hea back to her place… to kiiiiiiiissss!
Her vaginaaaaaaaa!!
It’s the lust-lustiest time of the year!”
[ Martin enters a hall where Tina Fey sips wine and chats with Lorne Michaels ]
Martin Short: Oh, look! Tina Fey! And, uhhh —
Lorne Michaels: Lorne.
Martin Short: Lorne! Oh, sorry! You really look more like a Josh, isn’t that funny? Hey, Tina — look what I have! [ he holds up mistletoe ] Isn’t that a coincidence? [ he chuckles lasciviosusly, then lunges over to kiss Lorne ]
[ Martin returns to Home Base ]
Martin Short: [ singing ]
“It’s the SASSIEST holiday time!
It’s the HORNIEST, HORNIEST time!
It’s the RANDIEST, DANDIEST, SAUCIEST, NAUGHTIEST, STEAMIEST, DREAMIOUS time!
Of the yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!”
[ two girls in Santa dresses dance in front of Martin as confetti falls ]
Martin Short: We’ve got a GREAT show! PAUL MCCARTNEY is here!
