Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 11
Strange Man…..Jason Sudeikis
[ Title card reading: ‘Cinemax: Late Night presents the 1970s softcore classic Danielle: A Free European Woman’ ]
Announcer: Coming up at 2am. The Cinemax classic, ‘Danielle: A Free European Woman’.[ cut to shots of a presumably French beach town in hazy, 70s color tone. A French song plays and the title reads: ‘Danielle’. It’s worth noting that everything is dubbed in a rapid, stilted tone ] [ cut to a man sitting in a restaurant ]
Maurice: Excuse me, waiter. I was thinking of going to the beach today, Do you think I will see beautiful women?
Waiter: [ laughs ] You will find that they’re everywhere here. This place is very, um…
Waiter: Sensual yes.[ both men laugh ]
Maurice: I’ll… have another coffee.
Waiter: Right away. [ he leaves ] [ Danielle walks in accompanied by a little jaunty, whistling theme song She air kisses him from behind ]
Maurice: Danielle, where have you been? I wanted to awaken and make love to you this morning.
Danielle: Maurice, I was at the outdoor market. I saw so many grotesque things, Maurice. Pigs feet, fish faces. But the food. I found it all so…
Danielle: Yes, Maurice. Sensual. A strange man. He was looking at me.
Maurice: Did he want to make love to you?
Danielle: Yes. I’m sure he did.[ flashback to Danielle at the outdoor market ]
Strange Man: [ at a fruit stand ] Mmm, eh, you are quite beautiful. Are you alone?[ close up of Danielle’s smiling, then slow zoom on the strange man’s face, then cut to a naked man’s torso above a woman’s torso in a dark room. End of flashback ]
Danielle: You’re not cross with me, are you, Maurice?
Maurice: Of course not, Danielle. I want you to… enjoy the pleasures of the body.
Claudio: Ahh. Danielle, Maurice. I trust you are passing a good holiday.
Maurice: Claudio, my wish is to spend my entire life as a holiday.[ The couple chuckles ]
Claudio: This is my fourth wife, Berna.
Danielle: We saw the two of you making love on your balcony yesterday.
Danielle: You seemed happy.
Berna: You speak so plainly.
Danielle: We did the same. But we were on the beach. And seals gathered all around us. Loud, smelly seals. I laughed as if I were at the zoo.
Maurice: Did you climax?
Danielle: I think I did.
Kids: Money! Money! Money! Give me money!
Maurice: Damn pan children.[ Danielle laughs ]
Berna: Get out of here!
Danielle: Don’t scream at them. They only want to laugh. [ she gets up from her table ] Look at me children! [ she puts a folded tablecloth napkin on as a hat and smears some cream on her nose ] I’m a buffoon!
Claudio: Ah, did you see what she did there?
Danielle: Here children, take everything. Take money. Diamonds. Take it all![ the kids rush off with their pan-handled goods. The others laugh again. ]
Berna: Danielle, you truly are of another world.
Maurice: [ gets up from his table ] Danielle, I think I’m falling in love with you all over again.
Claudio: Me too.
Berna: So am I.[ close up shot of the waiter ]
Waiter: Danielle.[ back to the two couples ]
Danielle: Let’s all take horses and ride them to the white cliffs.
Maurice: That’s a wonderful idea.[ the concierge walks over to them ]
Maurice: Uhh, is there a way we can hire horses to go to the cliffs?
Concierge: You have to reserve them. Almost a year in advanced.
Danielle: But it’s in the brochure.
Claudio: [ glancing at his wife ] Ah, what?
Maurice: You should let your customers know.
Concierge: I know. We are trying to amend that. My apologies.[ the concierge leaves ]
Claudio: Yes. I think I will go upstairs and take a nap.[ Claudio leaves and there’s a long stretch of silence ]
Maurice: [ to Berna ] Are you… staying down here?
Berna: I’m not tired.[ another stretch of silence ]
Maurice: Let’s go upstairs and have sex in the bed.[ Danielle gasps softly and goes all wide-eyed. Freeze frame on her face as the title ‘Danielle’ pops up beside her and her theme song plays ] [ fade ]
Submitted by: Sunnie S.