SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lawrence: 01/19/13: Danielle


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers


Maurice…..Fred Armisen
Waiter…..Bill Hader
Danielle…..Jennifer Lawrence
Strange Man…..Jason Sudeikis
Claudio…..Taran Killam
Berna…..Cecily Strong
Concierge…..Kenan Thompson

[ Title card reading: ‘Cinemax: Late Night presents the 1970s softcore classic Danielle: A Free European Woman’ ]

Announcer: Coming up at 2am. The Cinemax classic, ‘Danielle: A Free European Woman’.

[ cut to shots of a presumably French beach town in hazy, 70s color tone. A French song plays and the title reads: ‘Danielle’. It’s worth noting that everything is dubbed in a rapid, stilted tone ] [ cut to a man sitting in a restaurant ]

Maurice: Excuse me, waiter. I was thinking of going to the beach today, Do you think I will see beautiful women?

Waiter: [ laughs ] You will find that they’re everywhere here. This place is very, um…

Maurice: Sensual?

Waiter: Sensual yes.

[ both men laugh ]

Maurice: I’ll… have another coffee.

Waiter: Right away. [ he leaves ] [ Danielle walks in accompanied by a little jaunty, whistling theme song She air kisses him from behind ]

Maurice: Danielle, where have you been? I wanted to awaken and make love to you this morning.

Danielle: Maurice, I was at the outdoor market. I saw so many grotesque things, Maurice. Pigs feet, fish faces. But the food. I found it all so…

Maurice: Sensual?

Danielle: Yes, Maurice. Sensual. A strange man. He was looking at me.

Maurice: Did he want to make love to you?

Danielle: Yes. I’m sure he did.

[ flashback to Danielle at the outdoor market ]

Strange Man: [ at a fruit stand ] Mmm, eh, you are quite beautiful. Are you alone?

[ close up of Danielle’s smiling, then slow zoom on the strange man’s face, then cut to a naked man’s torso above a woman’s torso in a dark room. End of flashback ]

Danielle: You’re not cross with me, are you, Maurice?

Maurice: Of course not, Danielle. I want you to… enjoy the pleasures of the body.

[ a couple enters the restaurant and goes over to Maurice and Danielle’s table ]

Claudio: Ahh. Danielle, Maurice. I trust you are passing a good holiday.

Maurice: Claudio, my wish is to spend my entire life as a holiday.

[ The couple chuckles ]

Claudio: This is my fourth wife, Berna.

Danielle: We saw the two of you making love on your balcony yesterday.

Claudio: Ohh…

Danielle: You seemed happy.

Berna: You speak so plainly.

Danielle: We did the same. But we were on the beach. And seals gathered all around us. Loud, smelly seals. I laughed as if I were at the zoo.

Maurice: Did you climax?

Danielle: I think I did.

[ Danielle’s theme song plays as she eats a piece of fruit coyly, cut to a woman dropping her robe, shown from the feet down. Cut back to the intrigued restaurant couple. Suddenly a bunch of kids come rushing over to the table ]

Kids: Money! Money! Money! Give me money!

Maurice: Damn pan children.

[ Danielle laughs ]

Berna: Get out of here!

Danielle: Don’t scream at them. They only want to laugh. [ she gets up from her table ] Look at me children! [ she puts a folded tablecloth napkin on as a hat and smears some cream on her nose ] I’m a buffoon!

Claudio: Ah, did you see what she did there?

[ Maurice just shakes his head and chuckles ]

Danielle: Here children, take everything. Take money. Diamonds. Take it all!

[ the kids rush off with their pan-handled goods. The others laugh again. ]

Berna: Danielle, you truly are of another world.

Maurice: [ gets up from his table ] Danielle, I think I’m falling in love with you all over again.

Claudio: Me too.

Berna: So am I.

[ close up shot of the waiter ]

Waiter: Danielle.

[ back to the two couples ]

Danielle: Let’s all take horses and ride them to the white cliffs.

Maurice: That’s a wonderful idea.

[ the concierge walks over to them ]

Maurice: Concierge?

Concierge: Yes?

Maurice: Uhh, is there a way we can hire horses to go to the cliffs?

Concierge: You have to reserve them. Almost a year in advanced.

Danielle: But it’s in the brochure.

Claudio: [ glancing at his wife ] Ah, what?

Maurice: You should let your customers know.

Concierge: I know. We are trying to amend that. My apologies.

[ the concierge leaves ]

Claudio: Yes. I think I will go upstairs and take a nap.

[ Claudio leaves and there’s a long stretch of silence ]

Maurice: [ to Berna ] Are you… staying down here?

Berna: I’m not tired.

[ another stretch of silence ]

Maurice: Let’s go upstairs and have sex in the bed.

[ Danielle gasps softly and goes all wide-eyed. Freeze frame on her face as the title ‘Danielle’ pops up beside her and her theme song plays ] [ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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