Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 11
12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers
Top Dog Chef
Padma Leash Me…..Nasim Perdad
Scout…..Bill Hader
Bailey…..Jennifer Lawrence
Hershey……Bobby Moynihan
Judge Tom Collie-cio…..Jason Sudeikis
Judge Mario Barktali…..Fred Armisen
Cat…..Vanessa Bayer
[ snappy music plays over a graphic for the ‘Dog Channel’ ]
Announcer: You’re watching the Dog Channel. For dogs, by dogs. [ a schedule appears listing each program as it’s announced ] At eight, it’s ‘How Do Doors Work?’ Followed by ‘Get Down Here Bird!’ But now, back to ‘Top Dog Chef’.
[ typical ‘Top Chef’ intro of various contestants, dressed up as dogs, play over the show announcer ]
Show Announcer: The best dog chefs from around the country have come here to compete in our kitchen. But only one can be: ‘Top Dog Chef’.
[ cue title card then cut to host ]
Padma Leash Me: Welcome, dog chefs. I’m Padma Leash Me. We started with twelve contestants and now we are down to three. Many were eliminated. Some ran away. And one had to be put down. Now it’s time to face the judges. Here’s Tom Collie-cio.
Tom Collie-cio: Dog chefs. [ brief cut to three dogs at the cooking station who seem to be excited ] Your challenge was to create a dish using only ingredients from this torn open garbage bag. [ cut to a torn open garbage bag on the floor ] And we didn’t make it easy. At random intervals we rang a doorbell. And I’ll say this again: no one who rings a doorbell is there to hurt you, okay? So in the future don’t freak out when you hear this.
[ doorbell rings ]
Bailey: [ flailing her arms ] Someone’s at the door!!
Hershey: I’m alerting you! I’m alerting you!
Scout: Woof! Woof!
Tom Collie-cio: [ looking around wildly ] Who’s at the door!? I’ll kill you! [ stops and comes to his senses, chuckling ] Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Oh boy. Pavlovian response, huh. Wow, that was a terrible idea.
Padma Leash Me: Chefs, moving on. Our guest judge today needs no introduction. He’s known all over the world: Mario Barktali.
[ cut to Mario Barktali at a table ]
Mario Barktali: That garbage smells amazing. I’m ready to be wowed.
Padma Leash Me: First up is Scout.
[ cut to one of those confessional-style interviews of sheepdog contestant, Scout ]
Scout: [ speaking in a southern accent] All my life I knew I’d be a chef. As a pup down south, when all the other dogs were content to just lick their balls, it was me who first said, “Why not add a little mud?” Mmm….
[ cut to the judge’s table ]
Padma Leash Me: And what have you prepared for us?
Scout: Uh, this is vomit two ways. First is a roulade of my own vomit from earlier and then there’s fresh vomit on top of that. And I’ve garnished it with a dead bird. Yes, you uh, can eat the garnish.
Mario Barktali: And on the side here, is this foam?
Scout: Yes, yes. I have rabies.
Tom Collie-cio: Well, you know, it looks excellent, Scout. And, uh, how did you decide on this presentation because it seems very-
[ cut to show Scout isn’t there anymore ]
Tom Collie-cio: Scout? Scout? Scout? Where’d he go?
[ in Scout’s confessional interview ]
Scout: [ panting ] I thought I heard a UPS truck! You know, I just booked it out of there. No warning. Ran for miles. [Bleep]ed up.
[ back to the judge’s table ]
Tom Collie-cio: Next up is Bailey.
Padma Leash Me: Bailey, what have you made for us?
Bailey: [ in a Jewish mother kind of accent ] Uh, this is my take on brunch. It is an egg shell, a candy bar wrapper, and a piece of cat poop.
[ the host and judges “oooh” at that ]
Tom Collie-cio: Great, well let’s see how you did.
[ the host and judges quickly lean forward to eat out of the bowl, making appropriate eating sounds ]
Padma Leash Me: Mmm, it’s delicious!
Mario Barktali: I totally agree. Do I taste urine?
Bailey: Yes. It has a whisper of urine.
Tom Collie-cio: Okay, well I’m impressed. Did you season this?
Bailey: [ scoffs ] No. I’m a dog.
Tom Collie-cio: Right.
Padma Leash Me: Well, it was excellent. As excellent as everything else we’ve ever eaten.
Tom Collie-cio: Well, except for that carrot that one time.
[ the host and judges all groan shake their heads at that ]
Tom Collie-cio: I didn’t know if it was food or a toy. Yeah, it was odd.
Padma Leash Me: Next up is Hershey.
[ in cinnamon poodle, Hershey’s, confessional interview ]
Hershey: [ speaking very flamboyantly ] Oh, I need this competition! I’m just one bad dish away from being sent to the pound. Don’t mess this up, Hershey! [ starts “raising the roof” ] Don’t you mess this up!
[ back to the judge’s table ]
Tom Collie-cio: How’d you do, Hershey?
Hershey: Oh, I messed this up.
Padma Leash Me: What happened to your dish? [ she holds up an empty bowl ]
Hershey: I ate it. I ate all of it. I ate the rest of hers too. I kind of ate everything. Right now there is a sock in my stomach. I’m a mess!
Padma Leash Me: Well then, we’ve made our decision. Congratulations Bailey. You’ve won this elimination challenge and… Bailey? Bailey? Are you okay?
[ Bailey is sniffing the air and walking by Hershey ]
Bailey: I smell someone’s butthole.
Hershey: Oh my God, thank you!
[ in Hershey’s confessional interview ]
Hershey: Don’t you worry about Hershey, y’all. I will be fine. I am in heat so I got a lot of plans! [ cackles ]
[ cue title graphic and show announcer ]
Show Announcer: Next week on ‘Top Dog Chef’.
[ Padma Leash Me is facing Scout and Bailey at their cooking station ]
Padma Leash Me: Today we have a special challenge. Each of you will have to team up with… a cat!
[ an angry white cat in a denim shirt walks in ]
Cat: Screw you guys!
[ Scout and Bailey start barking, yelling, and pounding the table and the cat yells and hisses right back. Cue ‘Top Dog Chef’ title card ]
[ fade out ]
Submitted by: Sunnie S.
