SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lawrence: 01/19/13: Girlfriends Talk Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Girlfriends Talk Show

Kyra…..Cecily Strong
Morgan….Aidy Bryant
Jessy….Jennifer Lawrence

[ open on theme montage ]

Theme Song:
“Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout guys and stuff!
Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout cute guys and clothes!
Girlfriends Talk Show!”

[ dissolve to Morgan and Kyra on set ]

Kyra: Oh, my God, hi. Welcome to “Girlfriends Talk Show”. This is my best friend, and co-host, Morgan.

Morgan: And this is my best friend, Kyra. And, um, I’m not sure what this girl is about.

[ camera pans right to reveal a punk-looking girl ]

Kyra: Awesome. Please welcome the coolest new girl in school, Jessy!

Jessy: Here I am, I guess. This is 100% Jessy. Deal with it.

Kyra: [ laughs ] Jessy’s gonna be co-hosting the show with us.

Morgan: Really, Kyra? Nobody told me about this at all.

Kyra: Awesome. Jessy’s in a punk band.

Jessy: Our band is called Vag Hat. Does that scare anyone?

Morgan: Yes.

Kyra: So edgy. [ looks to Morgan ] Morgan, why are you wearing your coat?

Morgan: Um, because I’m cold and it’s an outer slimming garment.

Jessy: Sh’yah. It looks like a mom coat.

[ Kyra and Jessy laugh ]

Morgan: Okay. Well, how about you tell that to Turlington Coat Barn because it was definitely in the teens fashion department.

Jessy: I don’t think they have one in New York, where I’ve been two or three times.

Kyra: Awesome. Okay. First topic?

Jessy: Piercings!

Morgan: Stickers! [ pulls out a sheet of stickers ]

Kyra: [ looking at Morgan ] Piercings.

Jessy: I already have three piercings. My eyebrow and both my ears.

Kyra: My boyfriend won’t let me get piercings. My boyfriend’s older. Yesterday, he made me stand behind an empty frame like a portrait for, like, five hours while he stared at me and ate Caesar salad. [ shrugs and shakes her head ] My boyfriend’s crazy!

Jessy: I might dump my boyfriend because I’m thinking about being bi. Everyone in New York is bi because they’re in such a rush. They’re like “I’m in a hurry, let’s do this, whatever.” I actually heard someone in New York say that. I’ve been there like two or three times. It’s a great place to get a piercing.

Kyra: Morgan can’t get her belly button pierced ‘cus she has an outie.

Morgan: I do not!

Kyra: Yeah. That’s, that’s what that’s called.

Morgan: [ Sounding a bit aggravated ] Well, okaaay then I dooo. So cool it.

Kyra: Awesome. New topic.

Jessy: Make out parties!

Morgan: Guinea pigs!

Jessy: [ scoffs ] Guinea pigs? What cool person has guinea pigs anymore?

Morgan: Um, my family? Yeah, my family breeds them. We have four. [ listing names off her fingers ] Elizabeth, Bartlet, Gordon, and Dàvid. [ the last name is pronounced in a faux French accent ] Yeah, they make great pets.

Kyra: You don’t even have Dàvid anymore. He bit a baby so you guys had to put him to sleep.

Morgan: I know but I don’t really want to talk about it so [ making peace signs with her hands ] RIP Dàvid.

Jessy: Guinea pigs are gross. Don’t they, like, poop little pellets?

Morgan: Um, you *wish* you pooped little pellets!

Kyra: Awesome. Make outs! Who you you want to make out with?

Jessy: I dunno. I might want to make out with a girl. I’m not sure. Just depends on how cool it makes me look. I, uh, might even wanna make out with someone in this room.

[ Kyra laughs a bit coy ]

Morgan: Oh God, I know it’s me. Pass. I have a boyfriend.

Kyra: Morgan’s new boyfriend talks like a girl. That’s ’cause he’s in seventh grade and his voice hasn’t changed yet.

Morgan: Um, and I hope it never does because he has a voice like an angel voice!

Jessy: Why is your boyfriend so young? Are you a cougar?

[ Kyra and Jessy laugh, exchanging a high five ]

Morgan: Um, no. I’m not a cougar. Do these human fingers look like paws? [ she lifts her hands before bobbing her head, proud at her answer ]

Kyra: Morgan, chill out.

Morgan: No! I’m not chilled out! I’m getting hot and I’m getting mad!

Kyra: Well, why don’t you just take your coat off, then?

Morgan: Okay. [ She starts unbuttoning her coat ] But just for the record, this show was *my* idea. [With her coat off, she reveals she’s wearing a guinea pig pin on her blouse ]

Jessy: We were just joshing and jiving with you.

Kyra: Okay? Awesome.

Morgan: Um, much better. Yep-a-roo. [ She adjusts her pin ]

Kyra: Okay. Before we go, Jessy, do you have anything you wanna plug?

Jessy: Yeah. Vag Hat is playing in the basement of the Grace Unitarian Church this Friday at eight. It’s a very New York looking church.

Morgan: Um, well I *won’t* be able to make it because Fridays are my time with our one female guinea pig. She’s super worn out from breeding so I’ll be hanging with her!

Kyra: Awesome. Later, bye!

Morgan: Bye!

[The three girls wave goodbye ]

Theme Song: “Girlfriends Talk Show!”

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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