Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 11
Girlfriends Talk Show
[ open on theme montage ]
“Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout guys and stuff!
Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout cute guys and clothes!
Girlfriends Talk Show!”
Kyra: Oh, my God, hi. Welcome to “Girlfriends Talk Show”. This is my best friend, and co-host, Morgan.
Morgan: And this is my best friend, Kyra. And, um, I’m not sure what this girl is about.
Kyra: Awesome. Please welcome the coolest new girl in school, Jessy!
Jessy: Here I am, I guess. This is 100% Jessy. Deal with it.
Kyra: [ laughs ] Jessy’s gonna be co-hosting the show with us.
Morgan: Really, Kyra? Nobody told me about this at all.
Kyra: Awesome. Jessy’s in a punk band.
Jessy: Our band is called Vag Hat. Does that scare anyone?
Kyra: So edgy. [ looks to Morgan ] Morgan, why are you wearing your coat?
Morgan: Um, because I’m cold and it’s an outer slimming garment.
Jessy: Sh’yah. It looks like a mom coat.[ Kyra and Jessy laugh ]
Morgan: Okay. Well, how about you tell that to Turlington Coat Barn because it was definitely in the teens fashion department.
Jessy: I don’t think they have one in New York, where I’ve been two or three times.
Kyra: Awesome. Okay. First topic?
Morgan: Stickers! [ pulls out a sheet of stickers ]
Kyra: [ looking at Morgan ] Piercings.
Jessy: I already have three piercings. My eyebrow and both my ears.
Kyra: My boyfriend won’t let me get piercings. My boyfriend’s older. Yesterday, he made me stand behind an empty frame like a portrait for, like, five hours while he stared at me and ate Caesar salad. [ shrugs and shakes her head ] My boyfriend’s crazy!
Jessy: I might dump my boyfriend because I’m thinking about being bi. Everyone in New York is bi because they’re in such a rush. They’re like “I’m in a hurry, let’s do this, whatever.” I actually heard someone in New York say that. I’ve been there like two or three times. It’s a great place to get a piercing.
Kyra: Morgan can’t get her belly button pierced ‘cus she has an outie.
Morgan: I do not!
Kyra: Yeah. That’s, that’s what that’s called.
Morgan: [ Sounding a bit aggravated ] Well, okaaay then I dooo. So cool it.
Kyra: Awesome. New topic.
Jessy: Make out parties!
Morgan: Guinea pigs!
Jessy: [ scoffs ] Guinea pigs? What cool person has guinea pigs anymore?
Morgan: Um, my family? Yeah, my family breeds them. We have four. [ listing names off her fingers ] Elizabeth, Bartlet, Gordon, and Dàvid. [ the last name is pronounced in a faux French accent ] Yeah, they make great pets.
Kyra: You don’t even have Dàvid anymore. He bit a baby so you guys had to put him to sleep.
Morgan: I know but I don’t really want to talk about it so [ making peace signs with her hands ] RIP Dàvid.
Jessy: Guinea pigs are gross. Don’t they, like, poop little pellets?
Morgan: Um, you *wish* you pooped little pellets!
Kyra: Awesome. Make outs! Who you you want to make out with?
Jessy: I dunno. I might want to make out with a girl. I’m not sure. Just depends on how cool it makes me look. I, uh, might even wanna make out with someone in this room.[ Kyra laughs a bit coy ]
Morgan: Oh God, I know it’s me. Pass. I have a boyfriend.
Kyra: Morgan’s new boyfriend talks like a girl. That’s ’cause he’s in seventh grade and his voice hasn’t changed yet.
Morgan: Um, and I hope it never does because he has a voice like an angel voice!
Jessy: Why is your boyfriend so young? Are you a cougar?[ Kyra and Jessy laugh, exchanging a high five ]
Morgan: Um, no. I’m not a cougar. Do these human fingers look like paws? [ she lifts her hands before bobbing her head, proud at her answer ]
Kyra: Morgan, chill out.
Morgan: No! I’m not chilled out! I’m getting hot and I’m getting mad!
Kyra: Well, why don’t you just take your coat off, then?
Morgan: Okay. [ She starts unbuttoning her coat ] But just for the record, this show was *my* idea. [With her coat off, she reveals she’s wearing a guinea pig pin on her blouse ]
Jessy: We were just joshing and jiving with you.
Kyra: Okay? Awesome.
Morgan: Um, much better. Yep-a-roo. [ She adjusts her pin ]
Kyra: Okay. Before we go, Jessy, do you have anything you wanna plug?
Jessy: Yeah. Vag Hat is playing in the basement of the Grace Unitarian Church this Friday at eight. It’s a very New York looking church.
Morgan: Um, well I *won’t* be able to make it because Fridays are my time with our one female guinea pig. She’s super worn out from breeding so I’ll be hanging with her!
Kyra: Awesome. Later, bye!
Morgan: Bye![The three girls wave goodbye ]
Theme Song: “Girlfriends Talk Show!”[ fade ]
Submitted by: Sunnie S.