Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 11
Post Hunger Games News Conference
Seneca Crane…..Bill Hader
Peeta Mellark…..Taran Killam
Katniss Everdeen…..Jennifer Lawrence
Reporter #1…..Kenan Thompson
Reporter #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Reporter #3…..Tim Robinson
Reporter #4…..Cecily Strong
Reporter #5…..Jay Pharoah
Announcer: [ over stock film footage ] Congratulations to the winners of The Hunger Games! — Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark![ dissolve to title card: “10 Minutes Later” ] [ open to Katniss and Peeta seated with Seneca Crane at a news conference ]
Seneca Crane: Thank you for coming to the Post Hunger Games press conference. Catniss and Petta — our winners — will be happy to answer your few brief questions.
Reporter #1: Uh, yeah, over here?
Katniss Everdeen: Yes?
Reporter #1: Uh, if you don’t mind my asking, um… What the hell kind of name is “Katniss Everdeen”?
Katniss Everdeen: Well… Everdeen is an old District 12 name, and… “Katniss”, my grandmother came up with. She had a pretty severe speech impediment, and we never really knew if that was what she had in mind. [ she looks over ] Yes?
Reporter #2: Yeah, Katniss — I really enjoyed your performance out there today.
Katniss Everdeen: Thank you.
Reporter #2: I found it helped take my mind off the constant, crippling hunger I feel every day. I’m just absolutely starving all the time.
Katniss Everdeen: [ chuckling ] Been there!
Reporter #2: Yeah. So, my question is — and maybe you’re not the best person to ask: Is there going to be a buffet or a boxed lunch after this press event?
Seneca Crane: I think we made it very clear… that there would be no refreshments today.
Katniss Everdeen: Yes?
Reporter #3: Uhhh — first of all, Congratulations.
Katniss Everdeen: Thanks.
Peeta Mellark: [ meekly ] Thank you.
Reporter #3: Uh… I was talking to Katniss.
Peeta Mellark: [ meekly ] Sorry.
Reporter #3: Did you have a chance to speak with any of the other competitors after the game? If so, What was their mood?[ Katniss and Peeta stare at one another ]
Katniss Everdeen: They’re all dead…
Reporter #3: [ stunned ] Really? All of them?
Katniss Everdeen: Yes.
Reporter #3: [ confused ] Is that… unusual?
Katniss Everdeen: No. That’s how The Hunger Games work.
Reporter #3: Uhhh… my apologies. I usually cover the GOLF beat! [ he laughs nervously ] Our HUnger Games guy is on vacation, so…
Katniss Everdeen: [ glancing over ] Yes?
Reporter #2: Yes. Is it possible to get some branches or roots to gnaw on? Because I am SOOO hungry.
Seneca Crane: There will be no food. Not even branches.
Reporter #4: Uh… question for Katniss. Obviously, one of the key moments is when you killed that girl from Distrct 1, with genetically-engineered wasps. Uh — can you take us through that?
Katniss Everdeen: Well, it was pretty basic — I was high up in a tree, directly above her… the wasps’ nest was on a branch; I sawed it off, and the nest landed right on her. Just like we drew it up in practice.
Reporter #4: Perfect execution.
Katniss Everdeen: Well, you gotta give a lot of credit to the wasps — they were great.
Seneca Crane: Guys… can we try to get a couple of questions for Peeta here? [ Peeta meekly raises his hand ] Just one question for, uh, for Peeta?
Reporter #1: Uh, yeah, over here. Uh, Peeta — You got a leg injury on the second day, and then you decided to disgusuie yourself with paint, to look like a rock.
Peeta Mellark: That’s right.
Reporter #1: Now… when you did that, were you thinking: “This is cool. People at home or gonna be really into this.” Or, were you thinking: “This stinks! I stink at this!”
Peeta Mellark: What? Well, I mean, there’s more to the games than manly aggression or testosterone. Sometimes you have to use your guile and cunning.
Reporter #1: By painting yourself like a rock?!
Seneca Crane: [ sternly ] I think he answered that question! Let’s keep this moving. [ he looks among the reporters ] Yes?
Reporter #5: Uh, uh, uh, yeah — There’s been a lot of talk recently about PEDs. Uh, Katniss, uh — Have you been using performance-enhancing drugs?
Katniss Everdeen: Absolutely not.
Reporter #5: Okay, uh — follow-up for Peeta: Have you been using performance-reducing drugs? [ Reporter #1 guffaws loudly ] I’m just playing! I’m just playing!
Seneca Crane: Does anybody else have a question?
Reporter #3: Uhhhh — I have one. Uh… what’s with your BEARD?!
Seneca Crane: [ scrunching his eyes ] My beard?
Reporter #3: No — the other guy with an insane beard. Yeah, YOU!!
Seneca Crane: I’m not here to talk about my beard.
Reporter #1: Oh, yeah — I bet you HATE it when people talk about your beard!
Seneca Crane: We just had the first Hunger Games in history with two winners. NO ONE wants to ask about that?
Reporter #1: Oh, well, I will! Uh — There are allegations that you pretended to be in love so that you both could win. Uh, how do you address that?
Katniss Everdeen: Ugh! You gotta ignore rumors like that. We are TOTALLY in love.
Reporter #1: [ skeptical ] Really?
Katniss Everdeen: Why is that so hard to believe?
Reporter #1: Well, for one — you’re so much taller than him.
Katniss Everdeen: I’m not that much taller than him.
Reporter #1: Well, then, stand up!
Katniss Everdeen: Fine. [ she stands ]
Peeta Mellark: [ not moving ] And I’ve been standing this whole time.
Seneca Crane: That’s it! No more questions!
Reporter #2: [ quickly ] When you shave, can I eat the beard?!
Seneca Crane: This press conference is OVER![ the short Peeta hobbles away from the table, as Katniss and Seneca follow suit ] [ fade ]