SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lawrence: 01/19/13: Post Hunger Games News Conference


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Post Hunger Games News Conference

Seneca Crane…..Bill Hader
Peeta Mellark…..Taran Killam
Katniss Everdeen…..Jennifer Lawrence
Reporter #1…..Kenan Thompson
Reporter #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Reporter #3…..Tim Robinson
Reporter #4…..Cecily Strong
Reporter #5…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: [ over stock film footage ] Congratulations to the winners of The Hunger Games! — Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark!

[ dissolve to title card: “10 Minutes Later” ] [ open to Katniss and Peeta seated with Seneca Crane at a news conference ]

Seneca Crane: Thank you for coming to the Post Hunger Games press conference. Catniss and Petta — our winners — will be happy to answer your few brief questions.

Reporter #1: Uh, yeah, over here?

Katniss Everdeen: Yes?

Reporter #1: Uh, if you don’t mind my asking, um… What the hell kind of name is “Katniss Everdeen”?

Katniss Everdeen: Well… Everdeen is an old District 12 name, and… “Katniss”, my grandmother came up with. She had a pretty severe speech impediment, and we never really knew if that was what she had in mind. [ she looks over ] Yes?

Reporter #2: Yeah, Katniss — I really enjoyed your performance out there today.

Katniss Everdeen: Thank you.

Reporter #2: I found it helped take my mind off the constant, crippling hunger I feel every day. I’m just absolutely starving all the time.

Katniss Everdeen: [ chuckling ] Been there!

Reporter #2: Yeah. So, my question is — and maybe you’re not the best person to ask: Is there going to be a buffet or a boxed lunch after this press event?

Seneca Crane: I think we made it very clear… that there would be no refreshments today.

Katniss Everdeen: Yes?

Reporter #3: Uhhh — first of all, Congratulations.

Katniss Everdeen: Thanks.

Peeta Mellark: [ meekly ] Thank you.

Reporter #3: Uh… I was talking to Katniss.

Peeta Mellark: [ meekly ] Sorry.

Reporter #3: Did you have a chance to speak with any of the other competitors after the game? If so, What was their mood?

[ Katniss and Peeta stare at one another ]

Katniss Everdeen: They’re all dead…

Reporter #3: [ stunned ] Really? All of them?

Katniss Everdeen: Yes.

Reporter #3: [ confused ] Is that… unusual?

Katniss Everdeen: No. That’s how The Hunger Games work.

Reporter #3: Uhhh… my apologies. I usually cover the GOLF beat! [ he laughs nervously ] Our HUnger Games guy is on vacation, so…

Katniss Everdeen: [ glancing over ] Yes?

Reporter #2: Yes. Is it possible to get some branches or roots to gnaw on? Because I am SOOO hungry.

Seneca Crane: There will be no food. Not even branches.

Reporter #4: Uh… question for Katniss. Obviously, one of the key moments is when you killed that girl from Distrct 1, with genetically-engineered wasps. Uh — can you take us through that?

Katniss Everdeen: Well, it was pretty basic — I was high up in a tree, directly above her… the wasps’ nest was on a branch; I sawed it off, and the nest landed right on her. Just like we drew it up in practice.

Reporter #4: Perfect execution.

Katniss Everdeen: Well, you gotta give a lot of credit to the wasps — they were great.

Seneca Crane: Guys… can we try to get a couple of questions for Peeta here? [ Peeta meekly raises his hand ] Just one question for, uh, for Peeta?

Reporter #1: Uh, yeah, over here. Uh, Peeta — You got a leg injury on the second day, and then you decided to disgusuie yourself with paint, to look like a rock.

Peeta Mellark: That’s right.

Reporter #1: Now… when you did that, were you thinking: “This is cool. People at home or gonna be really into this.” Or, were you thinking: “This stinks! I stink at this!”

Peeta Mellark: What? Well, I mean, there’s more to the games than manly aggression or testosterone. Sometimes you have to use your guile and cunning.

Reporter #1: By painting yourself like a rock?!

Seneca Crane: [ sternly ] I think he answered that question! Let’s keep this moving. [ he looks among the reporters ] Yes?

Reporter #5: Uh, uh, uh, yeah — There’s been a lot of talk recently about PEDs. Uh, Katniss, uh — Have you been using performance-enhancing drugs?

Katniss Everdeen: Absolutely not.

Reporter #5: Okay, uh — follow-up for Peeta: Have you been using performance-reducing drugs? [ Reporter #1 guffaws loudly ] I’m just playing! I’m just playing!

Seneca Crane: Does anybody else have a question?

Reporter #3: Uhhhh — I have one. Uh… what’s with your BEARD?!

Seneca Crane: [ scrunching his eyes ] My beard?

Reporter #3: No — the other guy with an insane beard. Yeah, YOU!!

Seneca Crane: I’m not here to talk about my beard.

Reporter #1: Oh, yeah — I bet you HATE it when people talk about your beard!

Seneca Crane: We just had the first Hunger Games in history with two winners. NO ONE wants to ask about that?

Reporter #1: Oh, well, I will! Uh — There are allegations that you pretended to be in love so that you both could win. Uh, how do you address that?

Katniss Everdeen: Ugh! You gotta ignore rumors like that. We are TOTALLY in love.

Reporter #1: [ skeptical ] Really?

Katniss Everdeen: Why is that so hard to believe?

Reporter #1: Well, for one — you’re so much taller than him.

Katniss Everdeen: I’m not that much taller than him.

Reporter #1: Well, then, stand up!

Katniss Everdeen: Fine. [ she stands ]

Peeta Mellark: [ not moving ] And I’ve been standing this whole time.

Seneca Crane: That’s it! No more questions!

Reporter #2: [ quickly ] When you shave, can I eat the beard?!

Seneca Crane: This press conference is OVER!

[ the short Peeta hobbles away from the table, as Katniss and Seneca follow suit ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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