SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lawrence: 01/19/13: Love Letters


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Love Letters

Madeline Cook…..Jennifer Lawrence
Greg Dorfman…..Tim Robinson
Abraham Lincoln…..Bill Hader

Announcer: [ over black-and-white footage ] The Civil War rages into its fourth summer, as two lovers exchange a series of letters. Here, now, is the correspondence between Madeline Cook of Birmingham and her fiancee, Private Greg Dorfman of the 11th Vermont Infantry.

[ dissolve to Madeline writing her letter ]

Madeline Cook: “My Dearest Gregory… I long for your touch, your tender embrace. And I pray for the Good Lord to end this cursed war and return you safely to my arms. Your Love, Madeline.”

[ cut to Gregory writing his response in an outdoor tent ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline… Hey, what’s up! I miss your body so much. Oh, my God, you’re so hot! What else can I tell you? Oh! We took a picture of our unit yesterday, with a real camera and everything! We had to stand still for like five minutes. I had my BALLS out the entire time!”

[ dissolve to group photo of soldiers, with Greg pointing at his exposed pixellated balls ]

Gregory Dorfman: “The General said I ruined the picture, but… whatever! He hates me. Hey! You should send a tit pic, or something. I’m getting SUPER horny. Later!”

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: “My Darling Gregory… my heart leapt when your letter arrived. But, I must confess: I would like you to make an effort and more eloquently share your feelings with me. For my love for you could fill the deepest ocean. Yours Forever, Madeline.”

[ cut to Gregory ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline: I’m not gonna lie. I was little disappointed when I opened your letter and didn’t see a tit pic. I told a lot of people it was coming. I looked like a real horse’s ass. Oh! I forgot to tell you! Yesterday, I saw this guy get his HEAD blown off! [ he laughs to himself ] In conclusion… the TIT PIC! Make it happen! PEACE!!”

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: “Dearest Gregory… as I look upon the leaves and the oak tree outside my window –” [ she scratches this out and starts over ] “You know, I feel I must address this “tit pic” issue. It’s NOT gonna happen! Let it go! I’m starting to think we may just be two different people, going in two different directions.”

[ cut to Gregory sitting in a hospital bed ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline. Um… are you breaking up with me? Well, you’re gonna feel like an ASS! Because I was SHOT! For treason! It’s a long story… I showed some guy a map or something, then everybody got PISSED and they shot me. Please don’t break up with me. And, more importantly — please reconsider the T.P.!”

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: “Gregory… we are through. Harold Thompson has returned honorably from battle. I have accepted his proposal of marriage and BURNED the photograph you sent me of your genitals with the inscription: “Now, you.””

[ cut to Gregory ]

Gregory Dorfman: “Dear Madeline: Okay, I get it! Clear as day! You don’t want any part of me — fine! Juat need to ask you a favor: Please go to my mother’s house in Bakersfield. Tell her I love her. Then go in the basement. There’s a camera down there. Set it up… take your shirt off… take a picture… send that picture to ME! It’s the least you could do. Well, this is MY last breath!”

[ Gregory’s body jolts as he lays dead across his bed ] [ suddenly, Abraham Lincoln enters the frame, feels Gregory’s pulse, then turns to the camera and cries ] [ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Gregory, with CAPTION: “Private Gregory Dorfman: 1836-1864” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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