Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 11
Jennifer Lawrence’s Monologue
Tommy Lee Jones…..Bill Hader
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jennifer Lawrence!
Jennifer Lawrence: Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you! It’s so GREAT to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I have had an AMAZING week! On Sunday, I was in Los Angeles, where I was honored to win a Golden Globe for “Silver Linings Playbook”. [ the audience applauds ] Thank you. It was really exciting, because I have two older brothers, and my whole life they have tormented me, beaten me up, and taken my things. So when I won, I just couldn’t wait to rub it in their faces — and, as soon as I did, they beat me up and took my Golden Globe. So that’s gone.
But the best part about awards show isn’t the awards. It’s all the people you get to meet. And there was one person who was SO much fun at The Globes, that I asked him to come here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the most FUN person I’ve ever met — Tommy Lee Jones!
[ reveal Tommy Lee Jones staring stoicly in the front row with a frown on his face ]
Jennifer Lawrence: Tommy! Do you remember at dinner, when you took that piece of baby corn and ate it like it was regular corn? [ she laughs ] How funny was that!
[ Jones’ expression remains unchanged ]
Jennifer Lawrence: And remember, when we were dancing? What did you call your little dance — the, uh… The Tommy Shuffle? Do The Tommy Shuffle for everyone! Come on, do it!
[ Jones relunctantly bobs his head back and forth ]
Jennifer Lawrence: He’s the BEST! Such a great energy!
Now, one thing happened at The Globes that I need to clarify: During my acceptance speech, I said “I beat Meryl”, which is a quote from “The First Wives Club”. But which some people took as me trash-talking Meryl Styreep, which is crazy. I would NEVER trash-talk any of my fellow nominees at The Golden Globes. But the Oscars are another story. Ladies, I love you all… but you’re about to get served!
[ image appears ] Well, well, well — Look who it is! Jessica Chastain. More like “Jessica Chast-ain’t Winning No Oscar On MY Watch!” In “Zero Dark Thirty”, you caught bin Laden. So what? In “Qinter’s Bone”, I caught a squirrel — and then I ATE IT! BOOM!! Deal with THAT! Also… [ she turns serious ] Every time I see you act, I learn something new.
Who’s next? [ image appears ] If it isn’t my friend — Naomi Watts. You were in “The Impossible”. You know what else is impossible? You beating me on Oscar Night! “Naomi Watts Her Problem? She gonna lose!” Oh, and, Naomi — [ she turns serious ] You are AMAZING in everything you do.
Alright, who’s next? [ image appears ] Oh, it’s 9-year old Quvenzhané Wallis You think you can beat me?! “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Wallis?” Also: The Alphabet called; they want their letters back. Ka-bam! [ she turns serious ] Quvenzhané, I saw “Beasts of the Southern Wild”, and you are a revelation.
[ image appears ] Emmanuelle Riva, from “Amour”. [ laughing ] An 85-year old French lady! Um… yeah! I think I can take you! You know what I say to your Oscar chances, Emmanuelle Riva? “Emmanuelle Riva-derci!”
[ Tommy Lee Jones laughs ]
Jennifer Lawrence: Tommy likes it! Tommy loves it. [ to Jones ] You coming to the after party? [ he he reverts to his stoic stare ] Hot and cold with that guy. We’ve got a great show for you tonight! The Lumineers are here. Stick around, and we’ll be right back!