Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 11
12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers
Johnny Two Tones
Girlfriend…..Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend…..Bobby Moynihan
Tammy…..Nasim Pedrad
Dee Dee…..Aidy Bryant
Brenda…..Jennifer Lawrence
Other Couple…..Taran Killam, Cecily Strong
Donnie…..Bill Hader
[ open on interior, Johnny Two Tones ]
Girlfriend: I can’t beleive I’ve never eaten here!
Boyfriend: Yeah! It’s the BEST! It’s like taking a time machine back to Mel’s Diner. And the best part is — all the waitresses are rude to you, ON PURPOSE! Watch!
[ Waitress Tammy appears ]
Tammy: Hey, welcome to Johnny Two Tones! Oh! Where’d you get that shirt, hon? — Abercrombie & YICK?! Oof! [ the couple laughs ] Okay. Someone will be back to take your order — Don’t hold your breath! [ she throws menus on the table ] Ah, on second though — DO hold it! Pee-yoo! [ she exits ]
Girlfriend: [ laughing ] That was a RIOT! She was SO darn sassy!
Boyfriend: Yeah, maximum sass! Look — here comes another one!
[ Waitress Dee Dee appears ]
Dee Dee: Oh, great — Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dump! What can I getcha?
Girlfriend: Okay — I’ll have the Patty Melt and a Coke.
Dee Dee: A terrible choice.
Boyfriend: Yeah — and I’ll have a root beer float and the meat loaf.
Dee Dee: Oh! One loaf for the big oaf. [ she collects their menus and exits ]
Girlfriend: [ laughing ] This is a delight!
Boyfriend: I know! I told you, right?
Girlfriend: [ looking up, as Waitress Brenda appears ] Here we go!
Boyfriend: Uh-oh!
[ Brenda pours water in their glasses without a word ]
Boyfriend: Thank you!
Girlfriend: Great!
Boyfriend: Hey, aren’t you gonna… hurl insults at us?
Brenda: [ glaring at him ] You’re stupid. [ she turns to glare at Vanessa ] And I HATE you. [ she exits ]
Girlfriend: [ shrugging ] Well… she was not as fun.
Boyfriend: Yeahhhh… sge mught be new. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her here before.
[ Dee Dee returns with their drinks ]
Dee Dee: Okay — we’ve got a Coke and a root beer, and speaking of roots — Honey, I could see yours coming from a mile away!
Boyfriend: [ laughing ] She got you! [ to Dee Dee ] Hey, can I get a straw?
Dee Dee: Ugh! Hey, Brenda — could you get these turkeys some straws?
[ Brenda re-enters sullenly with the straws ]
Brenda: You’re trash! You’re BOTH trash! And the saddest part… is that you know… that all you are… is garbage.
Boyfriend: [ stunned ] Okay… yeah… cool, that was a good one…
[ she crumbles a straw wrapper in her hand and tosses it into Boyfriend’s Coke ]
Brenda: That water is from the toilet. [ she circles Bobby and glares at him ]
Girlfriend: You know what? I’m sure she’s just kidding.
Boyfriend: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Totally! Totally!
[ Tammy re-appears ]
Tammy: Okay, numbskulls — you ready for your grub?
Boyfriend: I guess.
Tammy: Good! Brenda’s got it right here!
Boyfriend: Okay… alright.
[ Brenda re-appears, coughing into their plates of food ]
Girlfriend: Um — this looks great.
Brenda: You peaked in high school, and now you’ll sleep with anyone who’ll ask.
Girlfriend: Okay.
Brenda: [ to Boyfriend ] And you’re gonna DIE! In your BATHROOM!
Boyfriend: Wait — like Elvis?
Brenda: Yeah! Except NO ONE will miss you! [ she flings his food in his face ] Enjoy your lunch. [ she exits ]
Boyfriend: Come on, with the mashed potatoes! [ he tastes it ] Okay, these are NOT mashed potatoes.
[ Dee Dee re-appears ]
Dee Dee: Okay, ding-a-lings, how’s your food? Not like I care!
Boyfriend: Actually, you know what? I think we’re gonna leave.
Dee Dee: Oh? Why?
Girlfriend: Well, Brenda kinda tore us a new one.
Dee Dee: What? Brenda’s our most popular waitress.
[ reveal Brenda yukking it up with another couple, then she holds up a sharp knife at Bobby ]
Boyfriend: Oh, that does not make me feel better.
Girlfriend: Yeah. We’d like to talk to the manager — right now.
Dee Dee: Okay. Have it your way. [ calling ] Donnie!
[ Donnie saunters forward ]
Donnie: Heeeeeyyyy, I’m Donnie! Da manager! Is there a problem?
Boyfriend: Well… we’re kind of unhappy with our service, Donnie.
Donnie: I’m sorry. You know what? How about if we give you guys some free desserts?
Girlfriend: Oh! That’s something!
Boyfriend: That’s actually very nice of you. Thank you, we appreciate that.
Donnie: Okay. [ calling ] BRENDA!! Come back here!
Boyfriend: [ to Vanessa ] You see? It’s a good place, it’s a good place.
[ Brenda returns with sundaes ]
Boyfriend: Oh, nice! A little sundae…
Girlfriend: Cool!
[ Brenda squirts whipped cream into Bobby’s hair, as Donnie follows suit with Vanessa’s hair ]
[ fade ]
