SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lawrence: 01/19/13: Johnny Two Tones


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Johnny Two Tones

Girlfriend…..Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend…..Bobby Moynihan
Tammy…..Nasim Pedrad
Dee Dee…..Aidy Bryant
Brenda…..Jennifer Lawrence
Other Couple…..Taran Killam, Cecily Strong
Donnie…..Bill Hader

[ open on interior, Johnny Two Tones ]

Girlfriend: I can’t beleive I’ve never eaten here!

Boyfriend: Yeah! It’s the BEST! It’s like taking a time machine back to Mel’s Diner. And the best part is — all the waitresses are rude to you, ON PURPOSE! Watch!

[ Waitress Tammy appears ]

Tammy: Hey, welcome to Johnny Two Tones! Oh! Where’d you get that shirt, hon? — Abercrombie & YICK?! Oof! [ the couple laughs ] Okay. Someone will be back to take your order — Don’t hold your breath! [ she throws menus on the table ] Ah, on second though — DO hold it! Pee-yoo! [ she exits ]

Girlfriend: [ laughing ] That was a RIOT! She was SO darn sassy!

Boyfriend: Yeah, maximum sass! Look — here comes another one!

[ Waitress Dee Dee appears ]

Dee Dee: Oh, great — Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dump! What can I getcha?

Girlfriend: Okay — I’ll have the Patty Melt and a Coke.

Dee Dee: A terrible choice.

Boyfriend: Yeah — and I’ll have a root beer float and the meat loaf.

Dee Dee: Oh! One loaf for the big oaf. [ she collects their menus and exits ]

Girlfriend: [ laughing ] This is a delight!

Boyfriend: I know! I told you, right?

Girlfriend: [ looking up, as Waitress Brenda appears ] Here we go!

Boyfriend: Uh-oh!

[ Brenda pours water in their glasses without a word ]

Boyfriend: Thank you!

Girlfriend: Great!

Boyfriend: Hey, aren’t you gonna… hurl insults at us?

Brenda: [ glaring at him ] You’re stupid. [ she turns to glare at Vanessa ] And I HATE you. [ she exits ]

Girlfriend: [ shrugging ] Well… she was not as fun.

Boyfriend: Yeahhhh… sge mught be new. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her here before.

[ Dee Dee returns with their drinks ]

Dee Dee: Okay — we’ve got a Coke and a root beer, and speaking of roots — Honey, I could see yours coming from a mile away!

Boyfriend: [ laughing ] She got you! [ to Dee Dee ] Hey, can I get a straw?

Dee Dee: Ugh! Hey, Brenda — could you get these turkeys some straws?

[ Brenda re-enters sullenly with the straws ]

Brenda: You’re trash! You’re BOTH trash! And the saddest part… is that you know… that all you are… is garbage.

Boyfriend: [ stunned ] Okay… yeah… cool, that was a good one…

[ she crumbles a straw wrapper in her hand and tosses it into Boyfriend’s Coke ]

Brenda: That water is from the toilet. [ she circles Bobby and glares at him ]

Girlfriend: You know what? I’m sure she’s just kidding.

Boyfriend: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Totally! Totally!

[ Tammy re-appears ]

Tammy: Okay, numbskulls — you ready for your grub?

Boyfriend: I guess.

Tammy: Good! Brenda’s got it right here!

Boyfriend: Okay… alright.

[ Brenda re-appears, coughing into their plates of food ]

Girlfriend: Um — this looks great.

Brenda: You peaked in high school, and now you’ll sleep with anyone who’ll ask.

Girlfriend: Okay.

Brenda: [ to Boyfriend ] And you’re gonna DIE! In your BATHROOM!

Boyfriend: Wait — like Elvis?

Brenda: Yeah! Except NO ONE will miss you! [ she flings his food in his face ] Enjoy your lunch. [ she exits ]

Boyfriend: Come on, with the mashed potatoes! [ he tastes it ] Okay, these are NOT mashed potatoes.

[ Dee Dee re-appears ]

Dee Dee: Okay, ding-a-lings, how’s your food? Not like I care!

Boyfriend: Actually, you know what? I think we’re gonna leave.

Dee Dee: Oh? Why?

Girlfriend: Well, Brenda kinda tore us a new one.

Dee Dee: What? Brenda’s our most popular waitress.

[ reveal Brenda yukking it up with another couple, then she holds up a sharp knife at Bobby ]

Boyfriend: Oh, that does not make me feel better.

Girlfriend: Yeah. We’d like to talk to the manager — right now.

Dee Dee: Okay. Have it your way. [ calling ] Donnie!

[ Donnie saunters forward ]

Donnie: Heeeeeyyyy, I’m Donnie! Da manager! Is there a problem?

Boyfriend: Well… we’re kind of unhappy with our service, Donnie.

Donnie: I’m sorry. You know what? How about if we give you guys some free desserts?

Girlfriend: Oh! That’s something!

Boyfriend: That’s actually very nice of you. Thank you, we appreciate that.

Donnie: Okay. [ calling ] BRENDA!! Come back here!

Boyfriend: [ to Vanessa ] You see? It’s a good place, it’s a good place.

[ Brenda returns with sundaes ]

Boyfriend: Oh, nice! A little sundae…

Girlfriend: Cool!

[ Brenda squirts whipped cream into Bobby’s hair, as Donnie follows suit with Vanessa’s hair ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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