Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 12
[ open on firehouse exterior ][ dissolve to interior social gathering ]
Mario: Well… it looks like our little department fndraiser is a BIG success!
Clem: Yeah, if we can just get a couple of new hoses out of it, that would be HUGE for us.
Mario: [ glancing off-camera ] Uh-oh.
Mario: Looks like Jerry’s talking to Brice’s ex-girlfriend, and he is NOT gonna like that.[ reveal Jerry talking to Rula ]
Clem: Really? Brice seems like such a mellow guy.[ suddenly, Brice appears, and he’s steamed ]
Brice: [ high-pitched voice ] Hey, fellas! [ his shoulders huff and puff ]
Clem: Hey, Brice. Yuo having a good time?
Brice: Do I LOOK like I’m having a good time, CLEM?! Does ANYNE want to tell me why JERRY’S talking to RULA?!!!
Mario: Brice, is it… is it really that big of a deal?
Brice: Uhhh — YEAH!! Actually, it IS, Mario!! She’s only my EX-GIRLFRIEND!!
Clem: Sorry, I-I’m not following, Brice. Didn’t it end badly between you guys?
Brice: Noooo, it ended awesome — [ outraged ] WHAT DO YOU THINK?!!! And now, he’s over there talking to her, for like FIFTY THOUSAND MINUTES!!!
Mario: Okay, calm down.[ Jerry steps forward ]
Jerry: Hi, Brice! Hey, guys!
Brice: Ohhhhhhhh, hello, JUDAS!!! You having fun with RULA?!!
Jerry: Hey, come on, Brice. You guys dated a decade ago.
Brice: Ohhhhh! Is nine years a decade?! Did they change it to that?! [ outraged ] YOU MAKE ME SIIIIICKKK!!! Is this how our firefighters TREAT EACH OTHER?!!! Did you see “Backdraft”?!! You should be SHUNNED!! [ pointing accusingly ] SHUN HIM!!! SHUN HIM!!! SHUN HIM!!!…[ suddenly, Doug sidles into the scene and joins Brice in yelling “SHUN HIM!!!” ]
Clem: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Come on, get out of here, Doug![ Doug exits, as Rula steps forward ]
Rula: Hey, guys! Hey, Brice!
Brice: Ohhhhhhhh! Hello, RU-LA!
Rula: [ innocently ] What are you guys talking about?
Brice: What do you think, Nancy Drew?! [ furious ] How could you DO THIS TO ME?!!! We went out for TWO weeks!!!
Rula: Yeah. And then I tried to kiss you, and you threw hot tea in my face.
Brice: Ohhhhhhhh!!! And so you come to OUR fundraiser, and you shake your little APPLE butt?! You skanky little PROSTITUTE!!![ the guys react negatively to this unneccesary allegation ]
Brice: SHUT UUUUUUPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPP!!! You set this whole party up, because you LOOOOOOOOOOOVE drama!!
Doug: [ sidling up ] Yeah, Clem — you’re a drama queen!
Clem: DOUG!![ Doug shirks away ]
Jerry: Hey, Brice? You’re the one being a drama queen. Nothing’s going on here.
Brice: Yeah! You’re right, Jerry! Because this party is… OVER!!! [ he yanks the cord from the humidifier ]
Jerry: You — you just unplugged the humidifier. You clearly just want the attention.
Brice: [ outraged ] That is a LIE, JERRY!!! Now, I’m gonna DANCE!! And NO ONE is invited!! Put on my iPod!!
Jerry: He may be a great firefighter, you guys, but he’s a handful.
Clem: I mean, I’ve never heard him say two words before. He usually just hangs out and he’s pretty quiet.
Mario: Yeah, until you talk to his woman.
Brice: I’m having… A MELTDOWWWWWNNNNNN!!!!! I DON’T KNOW WHICH WAY IS UP!!! I’M ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT!!!! OKAYYYYYY???!!!![ a Girl walks past, glancing at her iPhone ]
Girl: Hey, you guys see they just cancelled that show “Don’t Trust the B in Apt. 23”?
Brice: [ devastated ] WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! NOT THE B!!!!! THAT’S BONKERRRRRRRRSSSSSS!!!! WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING MEEEEEEE!!! Where’s that stupid dog?! [ he looks down ] Oh! There he is! [ he grabs the dalmatian ] Open the window! Open the window!![ Doug is slow to open the window, and in the meantime the dalamatian wrestles Brice to the ground ]
Clem: Are you okay, man?!
Brice: [ stands and catches his breath ] I’m out of here! Goodbye, Ru-la! JERRY!! [ to Doug ] Where’s my coat?! GIVE ME MY COAT!! [ Doug helps Brice into his fur coat, leopard-spotted hat, and scarf ] In the words of my hero, Ms. Mary J. Blige: “I’m leaving this fire house… and I ain’t NEVER COMING BACK!!!”
Jerry: Brice. You can’t leave, you’re on duty.
Brice: WATCH ME!!![ Brice jumps on the fire pole, then slowly inches his way down until he disappears from the scene ]
Jerry: Man… that was totally uncalled for.
Rula: You know what? [ smiling ] I got the reaction I wanted.[ fade ]