SNL Transcripts: Adam Levine: 01/26/13: Firehouse Incident

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 12

12l: Adam Levine / Kendrick Lamar

Firehouse Incident

Mario…..Kenan Thompson
Clem…..Taran Killam
Jerry…..Adam Levine
Rula…..Nasim Pedrad
Brice…..Bill Hader
Doug…..Bobby Moynihan
Girl…..Cecily Strong

[ open on firehouse exterior ][ dissolve to interior social gathering ]

Mario: Well… it looks like our little department fndraiser is a BIG success!

Clem: Yeah, if we can just get a couple of new hoses out of it, that would be HUGE for us.

Mario: [ glancing off-camera ] Uh-oh.

Clem: What?

Mario: Looks like Jerry’s talking to Brice’s ex-girlfriend, and he is NOT gonna like that.

[ reveal Jerry talking to Rula ]

Clem: Really? Brice seems like such a mellow guy.

[ suddenly, Brice appears, and he’s steamed ]

Brice: [ high-pitched voice ] Hey, fellas! [ his shoulders huff and puff ]

Clem: Hey, Brice. Yuo having a good time?

Brice: Do I LOOK like I’m having a good time, CLEM?! Does ANYNE want to tell me why JERRY’S talking to RULA?!!!

Mario: Brice, is it… is it really that big of a deal?

Brice: Uhhh — YEAH!! Actually, it IS, Mario!! She’s only my EX-GIRLFRIEND!!

Clem: Sorry, I-I’m not following, Brice. Didn’t it end badly between you guys?

Brice: Noooo, it ended awesome — [ outraged ] WHAT DO YOU THINK?!!! And now, he’s over there talking to her, for like FIFTY THOUSAND MINUTES!!!

Mario: Okay, calm down.

[ Jerry steps forward ]

Jerry: Hi, Brice! Hey, guys!

Brice: Ohhhhhhhh, hello, JUDAS!!! You having fun with RULA?!!

Jerry: Hey, come on, Brice. You guys dated a decade ago.

Brice: Ohhhhh! Is nine years a decade?! Did they change it to that?! [ outraged ] YOU MAKE ME SIIIIICKKK!!! Is this how our firefighters TREAT EACH OTHER?!!! Did you see “Backdraft”?!! You should be SHUNNED!! [ pointing accusingly ] SHUN HIM!!! SHUN HIM!!! SHUN HIM!!!…

[ suddenly, Doug sidles into the scene and joins Brice in yelling “SHUN HIM!!!” ]

Clem: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Come on, get out of here, Doug!

[ Doug exits, as Rula steps forward ]

Rula: Hey, guys! Hey, Brice!

Brice: Ohhhhhhhh! Hello, RU-LA!

Rula: [ innocently ] What are you guys talking about?

Brice: What do you think, Nancy Drew?! [ furious ] How could you DO THIS TO ME?!!! We went out for TWO weeks!!!

Rula: Yeah. And then I tried to kiss you, and you threw hot tea in my face.

Brice: Ohhhhhhhh!!! And so you come to OUR fundraiser, and you shake your little APPLE butt?! You skanky little PROSTITUTE!!!

[ the guys react negatively to this unneccesary allegation ]


Doug: [ sidling up ] Yeah, Clem — you’re a drama queen!

Clem: DOUG!!

[ Doug shirks away ]

Jerry: Hey, Brice? You’re the one being a drama queen. Nothing’s going on here.

Brice: Yeah! You’re right, Jerry! Because this party is… OVER!!! [ he yanks the cord from the humidifier ]

Jerry: You — you just unplugged the humidifier. You clearly just want the attention.

Brice: [ outraged ] That is a LIE, JERRY!!! Now, I’m gonna DANCE!! And NO ONE is invited!! Put on my iPod!!

[ Brice’s soundtrack comes on, and he begins to dance by himself to “All Eyes On Me” ]

Jerry: He may be a great firefighter, you guys, but he’s a handful.

Clem: I mean, I’ve never heard him say two words before. He usually just hangs out and he’s pretty quiet.

Mario: Yeah, until you talk to his woman.


[ a Girl walks past, glancing at her iPhone ]

Girl: Hey, you guys see they just cancelled that show “Don’t Trust the B in Apt. 23”?

Brice: [ devastated ] WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! NOT THE B!!!!! THAT’S BONKERRRRRRRRSSSSSS!!!! WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING MEEEEEEE!!! Where’s that stupid dog?! [ he looks down ] Oh! There he is! [ he grabs the dalmatian ] Open the window! Open the window!!

[ Doug is slow to open the window, and in the meantime the dalamatian wrestles Brice to the ground ]

Clem: Are you okay, man?!

Brice: [ stands and catches his breath ] I’m out of here! Goodbye, Ru-la! JERRY!! [ to Doug ] Where’s my coat?! GIVE ME MY COAT!! [ Doug helps Brice into his fur coat, leopard-spotted hat, and scarf ] In the words of my hero, Ms. Mary J. Blige: “I’m leaving this fire house… and I ain’t NEVER COMING BACK!!!”

Jerry: Brice. You can’t leave, you’re on duty.

Brice: WATCH ME!!!

[ Brice jumps on the fire pole, then slowly inches his way down until he disappears from the scene ]

Jerry: Man… that was totally uncalled for.

Rula: You know what? [ smiling ] I got the reaction I wanted.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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