Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 12
Adam Levine’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Adam Levine!
Adam Levine: Thank you very much! WOW! What a tremendous honor — [ a woman in the audience Whoos ] Thank you! Wow! What a tremendous honor to be here hosting “Satuday Night Live”. I’ve been here with my band Maroon 5 before, but this time it is JUST me! And because, like all successful singers, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would overreach and try acting. Also, I’ve been a coch on “The Voice” for the last two years. So, uh — [ the audience cheers wildly ] So, tonight, I just hope you don’t judge me too harshly.[ a whooshing sounds, as a “Voice” chair spins around to reveal Andy Samberg in a smoking jacket and pipe ]
Andy Samberg: Fat chance, loser!
Adam Levine: Samberg! What are you doing here?
Andy Samberg: I could ask myself the same question.
Adam Levine: What?
Andy Samberg: That was, as they say, a joke. And it’s literally one of TENS of jokes I could teach you — if you join my team.
Adam Levine: Wait a second… Andy, you want to coach me?
Andy Samberg: That’s right. Yuo need my wisdom. After all, I was in over a hundred Digital Shorts, as well as three live sketches. And I’ve dealt with my fair share of singers-turned-actors — Timberlake, whatever…
Adam Levine: Yeah, we get it, we get it… whatever.
Andy Samberg: The point is: Let me coach you. We have so much in common: We’ve both slept with between two and and five-hundred women… and we both have angelic singing voices. [ singing ” ” ] “This! Voice! Is as good as yours! Oh, yeah!” [ the audience applauds ] I rest my case.
Adam Levine: Don’t clap for that; that was terrible singing. Well, I — you know, I guess, Andy, if you think you can help —
Cameron Diaz: Not… so… fast.[ the audience cheers wildly ]
Adam Levine: Cameron! Cameron!
Cameron Diaz: [ whooping it up ] Yayyyyyyy!! Oh, yeah! I’m the Aguilera of the group, I’m high-energy, I love everything, and I never put my hands down!
Adam Levine: Wait… so… Cameron, you want to coach me?
Cameron Diaz: That’s right, Adam. And if you want to succeed in comedy, you have to check your pride at the door. You have to be willing to fall down, you have to be willing to shake your butt. You have to be willing to take a handful of Ben Stiller’s spooch, and put it right in your hair, and spike it up like a mohawk!
Adam Levine: R-really?
Andy Samberg: Hey, we’ve all done it, so…
Cameron Diaz: Wait, when did you do it?
Andy Samberg: [ smiling nervously ] Ah, I was just saying stuff!
Cameron Diaz: Adam, listen — I have hosted before. So, trust me, the first thing that you should do as a host… is take off your shirt.
Adam Levine: Whaaaatt?!
Cameron Diaz: Your shirt! Just take it off!
Adam Levine: Whoa, whoa, wait a second. When you hosted, did you take your shirt off?
Cameron Diaz: Listen… what happens off-camera is not important. The important thing is: Lose the shirt.
Andy Samberg: I would… Yes. I would also suggest losing the shirt — from a “comedy” standpoint. [ he pulls up a bottle of lotion and squirts his left hand ]
Adam Levine: Guys… guys… Everyone, calm down — epecially Samberg. Calm down. I’m NOT taking my shirt off.[ a whooshing sounds, as a “Voice” chair spins around to reveal Jerry Seinfeld ]
Jerry Seinfeld: That’s right! He’s NOT taking his shirt off!
Adam Levine: Jerry Seinfeld! Wow!
Jerry Seinfeld: [ with bite ] Hellooooo, Adam.
Adam Levine: Wait… wait a minute. You… want to help me… host?
Jerry Seinfeld: That’s right, Adam! I should be your coach! I get you — Appealing, not as Jewish as your name… I know that tacket inside and out! I spent NINE years on THIS netowrk threading that needle. And I had to work HARD at it. I didn’t have an “interesting” look — like some people! [ he glares at Samberg and Diaz ]
Cameron Diaz: Wait… “Interesting”?
Andy Samberg: That’s fair for me. That’s fair.
Jerry Seinfeld: So, please, Adam… When it comes to your coemdy, be smart, be clever, be one step ahead of the audience! THAT’S where you use your Jewishness. You never rub their nose about how you’re one step ahead of them — and that goes for ALL Jews, by the way. So, please, whatever you do, DON’T take your shirt off![ by now, Levine has done just that, and the women in the audience are beside themselves ]
Adam Levine: Thank you! Thank you! That’s GREAT advice! Great advice, Jerry, thank you. We’ve got a great show for you guys tonight! Kendrick Lamar is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!