SNL Transcripts: Justin Bieber: 02/09/13: Super Bowl XLVII

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 13

12m: Justin Bieber

Super Bowl XLVII

James Brown…..Kenan Thompson
Shannon Sharpe…..Jay Pharoah
Dan Marino…..Jason Sudeikis
Bill Cowher…..Tim Robinson
Steve Tasker…..Taran Killam
Dimitri…..Bill Hader

[ open on Super Bowl XLVII graphics ]

Announcer: We now return to the Super Bowl, on CBS!

[ dissolve to game booth ]

James Brown: Welcome back to the Super Dome! I’m James Brown, here with Dan Marino and Coach Bill Cowher and Shannon Sharpe. For those of you just tuning in — twenty minutes ago, there was a power surge that knocked out a number of lights in the building. and we’ve been told the game will NOT resume for another fifteen minutes.

Shannon Sharpe: [ incredulous ] Another fifteen minutes?! That’s what they said fifteen minutes ago! Don’t make us watch those First Half highlights again! I can’t watch those again!!

James Brown: Alright, well, no reason to panic, Shannon. There’s plenty to talk about.

Dan Marino: Is there? Because I’m running on FUMES, man!

Bill Cowher: We did a SIX-HOUR pre-game! What more is there to say?

James Brown: Just be cool. [ he chuckles nervously ] Now, for another update on the situation, we throw it back down to our own Steve Tasker, who’s on the sidelines! Steve?

[ cut to Steve ]

Steve Tasker: Well, not much new to report, J.B. The lights went out, and now they’re trying to get them back on. Some players are stretching… Some are not. And as a favor, I’d like to ask you NOT to come back to me, because I have NOTHING to add! Back to you, J.B.!

[ return to the game booth ]

James Brown: Alright. Well, thanks, Steve. [ a beat ] That seems like it’s been about fifteen minutes, huh? [ he glances off-camera ] No? It’s been less than one minute? Oh. Okay! Well, uh — as a reminder, tomorrow on CBS, it’s “2 Broke Girls”. “2 Broke Girls”! Very funny show! Now, Bill, as an ex-coach, who do you think is helped by the blackout?

Bill Cowher: Well… as I’ve said seven times in the last fifteen minutes… I can see it having advantages for both sides. [ James Brown is stone-faced ] That’s… all I’ve got, J.B. I am real sorry, pal, but that is all I’ve got.

James Brown: Alright. Well, Dan, what do you think the quarterbacks are thinking?

Dan Marino: Well, if I’m Colin Kaepernick, I’m thinking, “We need to score some points.” And if I’m Joe Flacco, I’m thinking, “Let’s keep this lead!”

James Brown: Wow! Wow! Wow! Oh, that was great, Dan! You should save that one for your REEL!

Dan Marino: Hey, come on!

James Brown: Now, Shannon, you’ve played in some Super Boels. What are the players thinking right now?

Shannon Sharpe: Well… This is only conjection, but if I’m out there and there’s been NO power for TWENTY minutes, I start to think: “Who on this team are we gonna eat first?” The obvious choice is the punter, because he’ll be the easiest to catch. But, then, if you need a punter later in the game, you don’t have one because you ATE him! So…

James Brown: You started thinking about that after twenty minutes? [ he stares into the camera ] What do you get when you cross two ladies, a cupcake shop, and no money? “2 Broke Girls”! Tomorrow on CBS! [ he chuckles ] It’s a very funny show! [ a sheet of paper is handed to him ] Oh, thank God! Our research team has just handed me… [ he glances down ] anagrams of some of the players’ names. [ he gives a dirty look off-camera ] Alright. Well, the letters in Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Torrey Smith’s name can be re-arranged to spell “Hermit Story”. Uh… Vernon Davis can be… “Vain Vendors”. And Colin Kaepernick is “Cocaine Kelp Rink”. [ he glances off-camera ] You serious about this? Alright, we’ll be right back after this commercial break.

[ cut to low-budget commercial of a guy dancing to techno music ]

Dimitri: I’m Dimitri, and I want to dance at your next party!

[ SUPER: “555-0199” ] [ return to the game booth ]

James Brown: I’d like to offer a quick apology. I’ve been told we’ve run out of proper commercials, and had to show a WEIRD one. Anybody else got a question?

Shannon Sharpe: I do. I do. Uh — When the clock in the stadium stops… do we stop aging?

James Brown: What?! [ he glances at the camera ] Caroline visits a psychic to learn about her romantic future, on an all new… “2 Broke Girls”! “2 Broke girls”! If it ain’t broke, don’t watch it! That’s a funny show! In fact… can we watch it now? [ he glances off-camera ] No? Alright. Oh! I’ve just received word that our own STEVE TASKER on the sidelines has some new information! Steve!

[ cut to Steve ]

Steve Tasker: I don’t know who told you that, J.B. And I’m willing ot bet that YOU made it up! Suffice it to say, I have NO new information — Back to you, J.B.

[ return to the game booth ]

James Brown: [ shifty-eyed ] Back to you, Steve.

[ return to Steve ]

Steve Tasker: [ fuming ] You can’t “Back to you” me, I just “Back to you”ed YOU! Back to YOU!!

[ return to game booth ]

James Brown: And right back to you!

[ return to an empty space ]

James Brown: Oh, you son of a — [ he pounds his fist ] So, Dan — uh, news came out this week that you fathered a child, uh, in an extramarital affair —

Dan Marino: [ outraged ] OH, COME ON!! We agreed that that was off-limits!!

James Brown: That was BEFORE, Dan Marino!!

Dan Marino: Oh, come on!

James Brown: This is a NEW WORLD now!! We have to fill AIR TIME now! We all gonna have to ADMIT to some stuff!!

Dan Marino: Okay, then — why don’t YOU admit to something?!

James Brown: Fine! I’ve never seen the show “2 Broke Girls”! I mean, I’ve seen actual broke girls! But they didn’t look like pretty white girls in aprons! Shannon! Go!

Shannon Sharpe: Okay. Ray Lewis knows who killed those people, because it was HIM!!

James Brown: OH!! That is JOT true! That is NOT true!

Shannon Sharpe: I had to say something! I HAD TO!!

[ suddenly, the lights come back on ]

James Brown: Oh! Oh! Oh, and the lights are back on!

Shannon Sharpe: Okay… okay, I really need to leave this game before Ray is done, okay? I really need to leave!

James Brown: Alright. Well, we’ll be back with the second half after this, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”

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