SNL Transcripts: Justin Bieber: 02/09/13: Super Bowl XLVII


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 13

12m: Justin Bieber

Super Bowl XLVII

James Brown…..Kenan Thompson
Shannon Sharpe…..Jay Pharoah
Dan Marino…..Jason Sudeikis
Bill Cowher…..Tim Robinson
Steve Tasker…..Taran Killam
Dimitri…..Bill Hader

[ open on Super Bowl XLVII graphics ]

Announcer: We now return to the Super Bowl, on CBS!

[ dissolve to game booth ]

James Brown: Welcome back to the Super Dome! I’m James Brown, here with Dan Marino and Coach Bill Cowher and Shannon Sharpe. For those of you just tuning in — twenty minutes ago, there was a power surge that knocked out a number of lights in the building. and we’ve been told the game will NOT resume for another fifteen minutes.

Shannon Sharpe: [ incredulous ] Another fifteen minutes?! That’s what they said fifteen minutes ago! Don’t make us watch those First Half highlights again! I can’t watch those again!!

James Brown: Alright, well, no reason to panic, Shannon. There’s plenty to talk about.

Dan Marino: Is there? Because I’m running on FUMES, man!

Bill Cowher: We did a SIX-HOUR pre-game! What more is there to say?

James Brown: Just be cool. [ he chuckles nervously ] Now, for another update on the situation, we throw it back down to our own Steve Tasker, who’s on the sidelines! Steve?

[ cut to Steve ]

Steve Tasker: Well, not much new to report, J.B. The lights went out, and now they’re trying to get them back on. Some players are stretching… Some are not. And as a favor, I’d like to ask you NOT to come back to me, because I have NOTHING to add! Back to you, J.B.!

[ return to the game booth ]

James Brown: Alright. Well, thanks, Steve. [ a beat ] That seems like it’s been about fifteen minutes, huh? [ he glances off-camera ] No? It’s been less than one minute? Oh. Okay! Well, uh — as a reminder, tomorrow on CBS, it’s “2 Broke Girls”. “2 Broke Girls”! Very funny show! Now, Bill, as an ex-coach, who do you think is helped by the blackout?

Bill Cowher: Well… as I’ve said seven times in the last fifteen minutes… I can see it having advantages for both sides. [ James Brown is stone-faced ] That’s… all I’ve got, J.B. I am real sorry, pal, but that is all I’ve got.

James Brown: Alright. Well, Dan, what do you think the quarterbacks are thinking?

Dan Marino: Well, if I’m Colin Kaepernick, I’m thinking, “We need to score some points.” And if I’m Joe Flacco, I’m thinking, “Let’s keep this lead!”

James Brown: Wow! Wow! Wow! Oh, that was great, Dan! You should save that one for your REEL!

Dan Marino: Hey, come on!

James Brown: Now, Shannon, you’ve played in some Super Boels. What are the players thinking right now?

Shannon Sharpe: Well… This is only conjection, but if I’m out there and there’s been NO power for TWENTY minutes, I start to think: “Who on this team are we gonna eat first?” The obvious choice is the punter, because he’ll be the easiest to catch. But, then, if you need a punter later in the game, you don’t have one because you ATE him! So…

James Brown: You started thinking about that after twenty minutes? [ he stares into the camera ] What do you get when you cross two ladies, a cupcake shop, and no money? “2 Broke Girls”! Tomorrow on CBS! [ he chuckles ] It’s a very funny show! [ a sheet of paper is handed to him ] Oh, thank God! Our research team has just handed me… [ he glances down ] anagrams of some of the players’ names. [ he gives a dirty look off-camera ] Alright. Well, the letters in Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Torrey Smith’s name can be re-arranged to spell “Hermit Story”. Uh… Vernon Davis can be… “Vain Vendors”. And Colin Kaepernick is “Cocaine Kelp Rink”. [ he glances off-camera ] You serious about this? Alright, we’ll be right back after this commercial break.

[ cut to low-budget commercial of a guy dancing to techno music ]

Dimitri: I’m Dimitri, and I want to dance at your next party!

[ SUPER: “555-0199” ] [ return to the game booth ]

James Brown: I’d like to offer a quick apology. I’ve been told we’ve run out of proper commercials, and had to show a WEIRD one. Anybody else got a question?

Shannon Sharpe: I do. I do. Uh — When the clock in the stadium stops… do we stop aging?

James Brown: What?! [ he glances at the camera ] Caroline visits a psychic to learn about her romantic future, on an all new… “2 Broke Girls”! “2 Broke girls”! If it ain’t broke, don’t watch it! That’s a funny show! In fact… can we watch it now? [ he glances off-camera ] No? Alright. Oh! I’ve just received word that our own STEVE TASKER on the sidelines has some new information! Steve!

[ cut to Steve ]

Steve Tasker: I don’t know who told you that, J.B. And I’m willing ot bet that YOU made it up! Suffice it to say, I have NO new information — Back to you, J.B.

[ return to the game booth ]

James Brown: [ shifty-eyed ] Back to you, Steve.

[ return to Steve ]

Steve Tasker: [ fuming ] You can’t “Back to you” me, I just “Back to you”ed YOU! Back to YOU!!

[ return to game booth ]

James Brown: And right back to you!

[ return to an empty space ]

James Brown: Oh, you son of a — [ he pounds his fist ] So, Dan — uh, news came out this week that you fathered a child, uh, in an extramarital affair —

Dan Marino: [ outraged ] OH, COME ON!! We agreed that that was off-limits!!

James Brown: That was BEFORE, Dan Marino!!

Dan Marino: Oh, come on!

James Brown: This is a NEW WORLD now!! We have to fill AIR TIME now! We all gonna have to ADMIT to some stuff!!

Dan Marino: Okay, then — why don’t YOU admit to something?!

James Brown: Fine! I’ve never seen the show “2 Broke Girls”! I mean, I’ve seen actual broke girls! But they didn’t look like pretty white girls in aprons! Shannon! Go!

Shannon Sharpe: Okay. Ray Lewis knows who killed those people, because it was HIM!!

James Brown: OH!! That is JOT true! That is NOT true!

Shannon Sharpe: I had to say something! I HAD TO!!

[ suddenly, the lights come back on ]

James Brown: Oh! Oh! Oh, and the lights are back on!

Shannon Sharpe: Okay… okay, I really need to leave this game before Ray is done, okay? I really need to leave!

James Brown: Alright. Well, we’ll be back with the second half after this, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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