SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: What Have You Become?


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

What Have You Become?

Mack Montgomery…..Christoph Waltz
Donald Latimer…..Kenan Thompson
Patrick Vance…..Bill Hader
Meredith Fine…..Aidy Bryant
Donald’s Grandfather…..Jay Pharoah
Great-Grandma Ernestine…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on GSN graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching… The Game Show Network.

[ dissolve to game show set ]

Mack Montgomery: Hello! and welcome to America’s… newest game show. I’m your host — Mack Montgomery — and I just LOVE this game! Before we get started, let’s meet our thre contestants! First, it’s Donald Latimer.

Donald Latimer: Hey, Mack!

Mack Montgomery: Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Donald Latimer: Oh, sure thing! I’m a self-employed entrepreneur… and when I was little, I loved space… and now I have the highest score on Space Invaders in all of Alabama!

Mack Montgomery: Wow-how! That’s impressive! Next up is Patrick Vance. Patrick, tell us about yourself.

Patrick Vance: Well, I’m 38 years young! I was Valedictorian in high school and college, and — this is kind of embarrassing — I love Katy Perry! [ he laughs ] Last year, I saw her concert, like, a hundred times.

Mack Montgomery: Wow! That’s committment! Finally, we have Meredith Fine. Meredith, what’s going on with you?

Meredith Fine: Well, I live in Ontario, California! I have one beautiful daughter, who’s seventeen! And I like to knit, but I’m not very good! [ she laughs ]

Mack Montgomery: [ laughing along ] Okay! What a crew! Donald has the highest score on a video game, Patrick is Katy Perry’s superfan, and Meredith is decent at knitting. It’s time to play:

Audience: [ as graphic appears ] “What Have You Become?”

Mack Montgomery: Donald! You’re up first. Your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Donald Latimer: Well, I, uh… [ he pauses and reflects with great horror ] Oh, my God…! I love space…! I could have been an astronaut! A self-employed entrepreneur — that’s not even REAL! I don’t DO anything!! WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!!

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Ohhh, sorry, Donald! Patrick, it’s your turn. You’ve paid for parking at a HUNDRED Katy Perry concerts —

Patrick Vance: [ proudly ] At least!

Mack Montgomery: Your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Patrick Vance: [ he suddenly drops his smile ] Oh, God! My God! I follow Katy Perry on tour. I go alone. I tell everyone my daughter’s in the bathroom, but… I don’t have a daughter… What have I become?

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Sorry, Patrick! We can’t accept that — and, Patrick.. Patrick… neither should you.

Patrick Vance: [ he nods ] I know…

Mack Montgomery: Alright, Meredith — you had a chance earlier to say ANYTHING about yourself, and you chose that you were bad at KNITTING! So your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Meredith Fine: [ smiling ] Okay! I see what you’re trying to do, Mack, but it’s not gonna work, so stop the music, okay? I always wanted to be a mom, and now I have a beautiful daughter and I’ve become exactly what I want!

[ ding ]

Mack Montgomery: Ah-ha! Good for you! Quick follow-up: Are you happy?

Meredith Fine: NO!! My daughter’s a BITCH!! [ she breaks into tears ] [ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Thought so! Okay, time for Round Two!

Donald Latimer: Uh, I don’t want to play if you’re gonna keep asking the same question!

Mack Montgomery: Of course not — that would be cruel! So, instead, to ask the questions — let’s bring out each of your oldest living relatives! First up, it’s Donald’s GRANDFATHER!

[ Donald does a double-take at his grandfather towering over him ]

Donald’s Grandfather: Donald! What have you become?

[ piano music swells ]

Donald Latimer: [ near crying ] Oh, God…! Grampy! You fought in TWO wars! Yesteray, I fought a parking ticket — and I LOST! [ crying ] What have I become?!!

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Aw, rough day for Donald! Patrick, your question is a two-parter, and it comes from your Great-Grandma Ernestine!

Great-Grandma Ernestine: Patrick… What have you become?

Mack Montgomery: And the second part?

Great-Grandma Ernestine: [ holding up Patrick’s graduation photo ] What happened to this bright, young boy?

[ piano music swells ]

Patrick Vance: Uh… you knew Elenour Roosevelt… All I know is the name of Katy Perry’s cat. It’s “Kitty Purry“. [ he breaks into a pathetic cry ] [ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Awww, sorry, Patrick! Meredith, onto you.

Meredith Fine: You know what, Mack? How about I ask you a question?

Mack Montgomery: [ laughing nervously ] That’s not how the game works!

Meredith Fine: [ sternly ] What have you become?

Mack Montgomery: Well, uh… a GAME SHOW HOST…! [ his face turns serious, as piano music swells ] But I wanted to dance… “Mama! Let me dance!” “No, boy! You’ve got to go to Game Show School!” “But, Mama! My feet want to move!” “They belong behind a podium, boy!” “Mama! No!” [ buzzer sounds ] Oh, God…! What have I become?!! [ ] I want to dance! Let me fly!

Announcer: That’s all the time we have! Join us next week, for an all new “What Have You Become?”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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