SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: What Have You Become?

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

What Have You Become?

Mack Montgomery…..Christoph Waltz
Donald Latimer…..Kenan Thompson
Patrick Vance…..Bill Hader
Meredith Fine…..Aidy Bryant
Donald’s Grandfather…..Jay Pharoah
Great-Grandma Ernestine…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on GSN graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching… The Game Show Network.

[ dissolve to game show set ]

Mack Montgomery: Hello! and welcome to America’s… newest game show. I’m your host — Mack Montgomery — and I just LOVE this game! Before we get started, let’s meet our thre contestants! First, it’s Donald Latimer.

Donald Latimer: Hey, Mack!

Mack Montgomery: Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Donald Latimer: Oh, sure thing! I’m a self-employed entrepreneur… and when I was little, I loved space… and now I have the highest score on Space Invaders in all of Alabama!

Mack Montgomery: Wow-how! That’s impressive! Next up is Patrick Vance. Patrick, tell us about yourself.

Patrick Vance: Well, I’m 38 years young! I was Valedictorian in high school and college, and — this is kind of embarrassing — I love Katy Perry! [ he laughs ] Last year, I saw her concert, like, a hundred times.

Mack Montgomery: Wow! That’s committment! Finally, we have Meredith Fine. Meredith, what’s going on with you?

Meredith Fine: Well, I live in Ontario, California! I have one beautiful daughter, who’s seventeen! And I like to knit, but I’m not very good! [ she laughs ]

Mack Montgomery: [ laughing along ] Okay! What a crew! Donald has the highest score on a video game, Patrick is Katy Perry’s superfan, and Meredith is decent at knitting. It’s time to play:

Audience: [ as graphic appears ] “What Have You Become?”

Mack Montgomery: Donald! You’re up first. Your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Donald Latimer: Well, I, uh… [ he pauses and reflects with great horror ] Oh, my God…! I love space…! I could have been an astronaut! A self-employed entrepreneur — that’s not even REAL! I don’t DO anything!! WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!!

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Ohhh, sorry, Donald! Patrick, it’s your turn. You’ve paid for parking at a HUNDRED Katy Perry concerts —

Patrick Vance: [ proudly ] At least!

Mack Montgomery: Your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Patrick Vance: [ he suddenly drops his smile ] Oh, God! My God! I follow Katy Perry on tour. I go alone. I tell everyone my daughter’s in the bathroom, but… I don’t have a daughter… What have I become?

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Sorry, Patrick! We can’t accept that — and, Patrick.. Patrick… neither should you.

Patrick Vance: [ he nods ] I know…

Mack Montgomery: Alright, Meredith — you had a chance earlier to say ANYTHING about yourself, and you chose that you were bad at KNITTING! So your question is: [ reading card stoicly ] “What have you become?”

[ soft piano music plays ]

Meredith Fine: [ smiling ] Okay! I see what you’re trying to do, Mack, but it’s not gonna work, so stop the music, okay? I always wanted to be a mom, and now I have a beautiful daughter and I’ve become exactly what I want!

[ ding ]

Mack Montgomery: Ah-ha! Good for you! Quick follow-up: Are you happy?

Meredith Fine: NO!! My daughter’s a BITCH!! [ she breaks into tears ]

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Thought so! Okay, time for Round Two!

Donald Latimer: Uh, I don’t want to play if you’re gonna keep asking the same question!

Mack Montgomery: Of course not — that would be cruel! So, instead, to ask the questions — let’s bring out each of your oldest living relatives! First up, it’s Donald’s GRANDFATHER!

[ Donald does a double-take at his grandfather towering over him ]

Donald’s Grandfather: Donald! What have you become?

[ piano music swells ]

Donald Latimer: [ near crying ] Oh, God…! Grampy! You fought in TWO wars! Yesteray, I fought a parking ticket — and I LOST! [ crying ] What have I become?!!

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Aw, rough day for Donald! Patrick, your question is a two-parter, and it comes from your Great-Grandma Ernestine!

Great-Grandma Ernestine: Patrick… What have you become?

Mack Montgomery: And the second part?

Great-Grandma Ernestine: [ holding up Patrick’s graduation photo ] What happened to this bright, young boy?

[ piano music swells ]

Patrick Vance: Uh… you knew Elenour Roosevelt… All I know is the name of Katy Perry’s cat. It’s “Kitty Purry“. [ he breaks into a pathetic cry ]

[ buzzer ]

Mack Montgomery: Awww, sorry, Patrick! Meredith, onto you.

Meredith Fine: You know what, Mack? How about I ask you a question?

Mack Montgomery: [ laughing nervously ] That’s not how the game works!

Meredith Fine: [ sternly ] What have you become?

Mack Montgomery: Well, uh… a GAME SHOW HOST…! [ his face turns serious, as piano music swells ] But I wanted to dance… “Mama! Let me dance!” “No, boy! You’ve got to go to Game Show School!” “But, Mama! My feet want to move!” “They belong behind a podium, boy!” “Mama! No!” [ buzzer sounds ] Oh, God…! What have I become?!! [ ] I want to dance! Let me fly!

Announcer: That’s all the time we have! Join us next week, for an all new “What Have You Become?”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts