SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: JaMarcus Brothers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

JaMarcus Brothers

Woman…..Cecily Strong
Man……Taran Kllam
Marcus JaMarcus……Kenan Thompson
Darnell JaMarcus……Jay Pharoah
Englebert JaMarcus…..Christoph Waltz

Woman: It’s Friday night and me and my man are about to get all up and down sexy.

Man: Noice.

Woman: But I need something to get me in the mood, to make my body groove.

Marcus JaMarcus: I think we can help you there. Hello girl, we’re the JaMarcus Brothers.

Darnell JaMarcus: I’m Darnell JaMarcus.

Marcus JaMarcus: And I’m Marcus JaMarcus. I was named in a big ol’ hurry.

Darnell JaMarcus: Oh yeah! And we’re here to make your body tingle-tangle with our new CD full of songs like this:

Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, let’s get down tonight.

Darnell JaMarcus: Hey girl!

Marcus JaMarcus: Baby, turn off all the lights.

Darnell JaMarcus: Turn off!

Marcus JaMarcus: We’re gonna treat your booty right.

Darnell JaMarcus: So right girl!

Engelbert JaMarcus: Let’s have sex like crazy!

Man: Hey! Who is that other guy?

Woman: That’s the third JaMarcus brother, Engelbert.

Man: I’m confused.

Woman: What’s confusing? Some people have three children. And their songs are sexy, like this next track:

Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, you better lock the door.

Darnell JaMarcus: Yeah girl.

Marcus JaMarcus: Do it on the sink and flow.

Engelbert JaMarcus: I like that!

Marcus JaMarcus: Girl, we’re gonna get it on.

Darnell JaMarcus: Oh yeah!

Marcus JaMarcus: Making love till the break of dawn.

Engelbert JaMarcus: I’m going to listen inside your butt!

Woman: Mmh, yeah! If you close your eyes, you can hardly tell which JaMarcus brother is an adopted white virgin.

Man: I’m pretty sure I can tell.

Woman: It’s not who you think.

Man: Is it Engelbert?

Woman: Okay, it is who you think. But you definitely can’t tell who wrote which song. Songs like:

Female voice: “Booty So Fine”, “Beggin’ for Dat Booty”, “Please Explain What We Do Now That We’re Naked”, “Backside Nasty”, “Chocolate Lovin’”, “Where Does My Penis Go? Point to Where”, “Freak in da Sheets”, “Let’s Take a Shower, I’ll Go First and Then You Can Go”, “Up Underneaf Dat” and “I Bet You Did Not Expect That Birthmark, I Apologize, But It Is Beyond My Control! I Was Born with It, I’m Engelbert”.

Man: Yeah, here’s a question: are there songs with just two of the JaMarcus brothers?

Woman: I know what you’re looking for. Here’s a song with just Marcus and Engelbert.

Man: No, that’s not what I was looking for.

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get naked?

Engelbert JaMarcus: Ho, ha, yes!

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get dirty?

Engelbert JaMarcus: I said yes!

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna get nasty?

Engelbert JaMarcus: And yes again!

Marcus JaMarcus: Do you wanna make love?

Engelbert JaMarcus: With our privates!

Female voice: So order now the JaMarcus Brothers’ CD “Now Is the Time for a Tickle Fight, He He!”.

Woman: And guess who named that CD?

Man: Engelbert did.

Woman: No, actually Darnell did.

Man: Oh weird?

Woman: Thanks JaMarcus Brothers, I’m ‘onna put on your CD right now and make love to my man.

Man: Actually no, I couldn’t get a boner right now if I tried.

Male voice: The JaMarcus Brothers. Order today.

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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