SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: Triumph Cruise


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Triumph Cruise

Dean…..Jason Sudeikis
Diana…..Cecily Strong
Reggie Davis…..Jay Pharoah
Victor LaStrange…..Bill Hader
Mike…..Tim Robinson
Dan the Animal Man…..Bobby Moynihan
The Captain……Fred Armisen

[ open on exterior, Carnival Cruise Ship Triumph — Tuesday ] [ dissolve to interior, Fiesta Ballroom ]

Dean: Okay, hello! Hello, everyone! Okay? And, uh — folks, welcome back to the Fiesta Ballroom, here on the Carnival Cruise Triumph. Okay? I’m your Cruise Director — Dean. And this is my Assistant Cruise Director — Diana.

Diana: And, can I say, for people who have not showered in four days — you guys look great!

Dean: Yeah! Yeah, you do, yeah! And, hey, guys — Just because we’re stuck in the middle of the ocean, you know, with no working toilets… it doesn’t mean we can’t have some FUN! Alright?

Diana: Mmm-hmm!

Dean: Ah, but first — a tiny update.

Diana: Uh, yeah. Now, as we informed you yesterday, a tugboat is pulling us back to shore — which is GREAT news!

Dean: Yeah, it sure is. But, a slight snag. The tow line broke.

Diana: Waaa-waaaaah!

Dean: Yeah… yeah… okay. But dry those eyes and get ready to laugh! Because, up next — you knoe him from the Punchliner Comedy Brunch — please welcome ship comedian Reggie Davis! Reggie, come on out!

[ Reggie Davis steps forward ]

Reggie Davis: Yes, yes! What up! [ he laughs ] You know — If Chris Rock were here, I’d bet he’d say: [ as Chris Rock ] “Don’t anybody wanna go on a cruuuuise? You’re all gonna DIE on this boat!” What else, what else, what else, what else…? [ he puts his hand to his face ] I’m sorry. Okay? I can’t tell no more jokes. There’s DOOKY on the WALL, man! How does DOOKY get on the WALLS?!! How does it happen?!!

[ Diana pishes Reggie aside ]

Dean: Okay! Alright! Okay! Uh, that’s Reggie Davis, everyone! He’s a funny guy, right?

Diana: Yeah! And if anyone here is gonna be in Seattle next weekend, Reggie will be headlining at Funny Bone.

Dean: Hey, speaking of headlines — One of the helicopters flying above us dropped doqwn a couple of papers, so we thought we’d catch you up on what you missed this week, alright?

Voice: There is no God!

Dean: Hey! Hey, hey! There IS a God! There IS a God! He has NOT abandoned us, okay? Alright, let’s see what’s in the news. [ he glances at a newspaper ] Uh — the Pope resigned. Oh, Lord!

Diana: Oh, wait — okay. [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey, here’s soemthing fun: Norrth Korea successfully launched a… mmm-mmm! Nope!

Dean: [ he glances at a newspaper ] Oh! Oh, oh, oh, here we go! I got one! Oh, hey — You guys remember Oscar Pistorius? Huh? Remember that? The Olympic spritnter who ran on blades?

Diana: What an AMAZING story! So uplifting!

Dean: Absolutely! Well, it says here that… [ he glances at the newspaper and shakes his head ] Nope! No, no…

Diana: [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey! TThis is interesting! Okay, you guys might think you have it bad… but do you have it worse than [ reading ] “4,000 Stranded On Night Mare Cruise”… That is about US!

Dean: That’s us, yeah. Okay, that’s enough! Enough of the headlines! [ he tosses the newspaper aside ] Who likes MAGIC, huh? Okay, because mentalist Victor LaStrange is here to amaze you!

Diana: Victorrrrrr!!

[ victor LaStrange steps out ]

Victor LaStrange: Can I have a volunteer, please? [ he points ] You, Sir! [ Mike runs up ] What’s your name, Sir?

Mike: Mike.

Victor LaStrange: How you doing, Mike?

Mike: Real bad.

Victor LaStrange: Alright. Look into my eyes. [ Mike stares into his eyes ] You are a CHICKEN! [ he snaps his fingers, as Mike begins to cluck ] Now you’re MIKE! [ he snaps his fingers ]

Mike: Oh… [ he groans ] Oh, no! I’m back on this godforsaken boat! Make me into the chicken again! [ desperately ] I WANT TO BE THE CHICKEN!!

[ Diana rishes Victor and Mike away, as Dean resumes his duties ]

Dean: Guys, guys, guys, guys! Okay, thank you! Uh — whoo! Uh, that was kind of weird!

Voice: Turn us all into chickens!!

Diana: Okay, no! Guys… guys… It is not better to be a chicken than a person!

Dean: No! I mean, yeah, it’s bad here, but it’s not that bad! Okay?

Diana: Mmm-hmm!

Dean: Now, before we move on, we want to designate a few areas of the boat as toilets, okay? Alright? Uh, what have we got here? [ he glances at the log ] The Superstar Karaoke Bar… is now officially a toilet, okay?

Diana: Yeah. The, uh, the Blue Iguana Cantina is now a toilet.

Dean: Okay, just in time. Okay, good. And the Bonsai Sushi restaurant is… well, that;s still a sushi restaurant, so you’ll want to get in there soon before it becomes a toilet!

Diana: Hey, Dean!

Dean: Uh-huh?

Diana: You know what I think?

Dean: Uh-oh!

Diana: I think it’s about time Dan the Animal Man makes a visit!

Dean: That’s a GREAT call, Diana! What a REAL passenger favorite this guy is! He’s been delighting you all week — Please welcome Dan the Animal Man and his monkey Coco!

[ Dan steps out carrying a monkey skelaton ]


Dean: Okay… alright… Gvie it up for Dan the Animal Man!

Dan the Animal Man: WE STILL HAVE FOOD!!!

[ Diana walks Dan aside ]

Dean: Okay! There we go! Alright, somebody ate Coco, huh? No, guys! No, guys!

Diana: Hey, guys? We all have to start behaving better.

Dean: That’s very true, okay? And on that note, I know some of you thought it would be funny — it was funny — to lie on the top deck upstairs and spell out the words KILL US” for the news helicopter? That’s not funny.

Diana: No, not funny at all.

Dean: Mmm-hmm. Don’t like it. We have to keep our heads up, and we can get through this thing together. Okay?

[ Diana is handed a note ]

Diana: Dean?

Dean: Yeah?

Diana: I just got some good news.

Dean: It’s about time!

Diana: I’ve been told we have a crew member who does a mean Michael Jackson!

Dean: Uh-oh, that sounds like fun! Bring him up here!

[ The Captain appears, wearing one silver glove, and performs some not-so-funky dance moves ]

Dean: Okay.,, wow. So, I don’t need to tell you guys that was the Captain, obviously, who is clearly going insane.

Diana: Okay, guys — that about wraps it up. Remember, only ten hours until we reach…. [ raising the roof ] Mo-bile, Al-a-ba-maaaaaa!

Dean: [ as a note is handed to him ] Okay, uh — well, now here’s some good news. alright?

Together: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 3 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x