SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: Triumph Cruise



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14












12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Triumph Cruise

Dean…..Jason Sudeikis
Diana…..Cecily Strong
Reggie Davis…..Jay Pharoah
Victor LaStrange…..Bill Hader
Mike…..Tim Robinson
Dan the Animal Man…..Bobby Moynihan
The Captain……Fred Armisen

[ open on exterior, Carnival Cruise Ship Triumph — Tuesday ]

[ dissolve to interior, Fiesta Ballroom ]

Dean: Okay, hello! Hello, everyone! Okay? And, uh — folks, welcome back to the Fiesta Ballroom, here on the Carnival Cruise Triumph. Okay? I’m your Cruise Director — Dean. And this is my Assistant Cruise Director — Diana.

Diana: And, can I say, for people who have not showered in four days — you guys look great!

Dean: Yeah! Yeah, you do, yeah! And, hey, guys — Just because we’re stuck in the middle of the ocean, you know, with no working toilets… it doesn’t mean we can’t have some FUN! Alright?

Diana: Mmm-hmm!

Dean: Ah, but first — a tiny update.

Diana: Uh, yeah. Now, as we informed you yesterday, a tugboat is pulling us back to shore — which is GREAT news!

Dean: Yeah, it sure is. But, a slight snag. The tow line broke.

Diana: Waaa-waaaaah!

Dean: Yeah… yeah… okay. But dry those eyes and get ready to laugh! Because, up next — you knoe him from the Punchliner Comedy Brunch — please welcome ship comedian Reggie Davis! Reggie, come on out!

[ Reggie Davis steps forward ]

Reggie Davis: Yes, yes! What up! [ he laughs ] You know — If Chris Rock were here, I’d bet he’d say: [ as Chris Rock ] “Don’t anybody wanna go on a cruuuuise? You’re all gonna DIE on this boat!” What else, what else, what else, what else…? [ he puts his hand to his face ] I’m sorry. Okay? I can’t tell no more jokes. There’s DOOKY on the WALL, man! How does DOOKY get on the WALLS?!! How does it happen?!!

[ Diana pishes Reggie aside ]

Dean: Okay! Alright! Okay! Uh, that’s Reggie Davis, everyone! He’s a funny guy, right?

Diana: Yeah! And if anyone here is gonna be in Seattle next weekend, Reggie will be headlining at Funny Bone.

Dean: Hey, speaking of headlines — One of the helicopters flying above us dropped doqwn a couple of papers, so we thought we’d catch you up on what you missed this week, alright?

Voice: There is no God!

Dean: Hey! Hey, hey! There IS a God! There IS a God! He has NOT abandoned us, okay? Alright, let’s see what’s in the news. [ he glances at a newspaper ] Uh — the Pope resigned. Oh, Lord!

Diana: Oh, wait — okay. [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey, here’s soemthing fun: Norrth Korea successfully launched a… mmm-mmm! Nope!

Dean: [ he glances at a newspaper ] Oh! Oh, oh, oh, here we go! I got one! Oh, hey — You guys remember Oscar Pistorius? Huh? Remember that? The Olympic spritnter who ran on blades?

Diana: What an AMAZING story! So uplifting!

Dean: Absolutely! Well, it says here that… [ he glances at the newspaper and shakes his head ] Nope! No, no…

Diana: [ she glances at a newspaper ] Hey! TThis is interesting! Okay, you guys might think you have it bad… but do you have it worse than [ reading ] “4,000 Stranded On Night Mare Cruise”… That is about US!

Dean: That’s us, yeah. Okay, that’s enough! Enough of the headlines! [ he tosses the newspaper aside ] Who likes MAGIC, huh? Okay, because mentalist Victor LaStrange is here to amaze you!

Diana: Victorrrrrr!!

[ victor LaStrange steps out ]

Victor LaStrange: Can I have a volunteer, please? [ he points ] You, Sir! [ Mike runs up ] What’s your name, Sir?

Mike: Mike.

Victor LaStrange: How you doing, Mike?

Mike: Real bad.

Victor LaStrange: Alright. Look into my eyes. [ Mike stares into his eyes ] You are a CHICKEN! [ he snaps his fingers, as Mike begins to cluck ] Now you’re MIKE! [ he snaps his fingers ]

Mike: Oh… [ he groans ] Oh, no! I’m back on this godforsaken boat! Make me into the chicken again! [ desperately ] I WANT TO BE THE CHICKEN!!

[ Diana rishes Victor and Mike away, as Dean resumes his duties ]

Dean: Guys, guys, guys, guys! Okay, thank you! Uh — whoo! Uh, that was kind of weird!

Voice: Turn us all into chickens!!

Diana: Okay, no! Guys… guys… It is not better to be a chicken than a person!

Dean: No! I mean, yeah, it’s bad here, but it’s not that bad! Okay?

Diana: Mmm-hmm!

Dean: Now, before we move on, we want to designate a few areas of the boat as toilets, okay? Alright? Uh, what have we got here? [ he glances at the log ] The Superstar Karaoke Bar… is now officially a toilet, okay?

Diana: Yeah. The, uh, the Blue Iguana Cantina is now a toilet.

Dean: Okay, just in time. Okay, good. And the Bonsai Sushi restaurant is… well, that;s still a sushi restaurant, so you’ll want to get in there soon before it becomes a toilet!

Diana: Hey, Dean!

Dean: Uh-huh?

Diana: You know what I think?

Dean: Uh-oh!

Diana: I think it’s about time Dan the Animal Man makes a visit!

Dean: That’s a GREAT call, Diana! What a REAL passenger favorite this guy is! He’s been delighting you all week — Please welcome Dan the Animal Man and his monkey Coco!

[ Dan steps out carrying a monkey skelaton ]

Dan the Animal Man: WHO ATE COCO?!! WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THIS?!!

Dean: Okay… alright… Gvie it up for Dan the Animal Man!

Dan the Animal Man: WE STILL HAVE FOOD!!!

[ Diana walks Dan aside ]

Dean: Okay! There we go! Alright, somebody ate Coco, huh? No, guys! No, guys!

Diana: Hey, guys? We all have to start behaving better.

Dean: That’s very true, okay? And on that note, I know some of you thought it would be funny — it was funny — to lie on the top deck upstairs and spell out the words KILL US” for the news helicopter? That’s not funny.

Diana: No, not funny at all.

Dean: Mmm-hmm. Don’t like it. We have to keep our heads up, and we can get through this thing together. Okay?

[ Diana is handed a note ]

Diana: Dean?

Dean: Yeah?

Diana: I just got some good news.

Dean: It’s about time!

Diana: I’ve been told we have a crew member who does a mean Michael Jackson!

Dean: Uh-oh, that sounds like fun! Bring him up here!

[ The Captain appears, wearing one silver glove, and performs some not-so-funky dance moves ]

Dean: Okay.,, wow. So, I don’t need to tell you guys that was the Captain, obviously, who is clearly going insane.

Diana: Okay, guys — that about wraps it up. Remember, only ten hours until we reach…. [ raising the roof ] Mo-bile, Al-a-ba-maaaaaa!

Dean: [ as a note is handed to him ] Okay, uh — well, now here’s some good news. alright?

Together: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

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