Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 14
Roman Soldier…..Fred Armisen
St. Peter…..Taran Killam
Pontius Pilate…..Kenan Thompson
Judas Iscariot…..Jay Pharoah
[ open on Restricted movie trailer ]
Announcer: This Summer! If you liked “Inglourious Basterds”… and “Django Unchained”…[ reveal clips from both movies ]
Announcer: Then get ready for the ULTIMATE historical revenge fantasy…[ reveal Jesus pushing aside the giant rock so he can exit his tomb ]
Jesus: Guess who’s back!
Announcer: “Djesus Uncrossed”.[ cut to Romans fighting ]
Announcer: He’s risen from the dead!
Jesus: [ wielding a sword from behind his cross ] Miss Me?
Roman Soldier: Kill him!![ Jesus joins the fight ]
Announcer: And he’s preaching anything but forgiveness.[ cut to more fighting scenes ]
Announcer: He may be wearing sandals… but he can STILL kick ass!
Roman Soldier: Jesus H. Christ!
Announcer: The “H” is silent![ Jesus swings his sword and slices Roman Soldier’s head in half ]
Announcer: With Brad Pitt as St. Peter.
St. Peter: [ to recruits, over killing footage ] I need me… eleven ay-postles! We’re gonna be doing one thing, and one thing only: Kill Row-mans. The Row-man WILL be disgusted by us! The Row-man WILL talk about us! And the Row-man WILL fear us! Each of you owes me ONE-HUNDRED Row-man scalps!
Announcer: Ving Rhames as Pontius Pilate.
Pontius Pilate: Jesus! Oh, I ain’t done with him by a damn sight! I’m gonna get Old Testement on his ass!
Announcer: And Samuel L. Jackson as Judas Iscariot.
Judas Iscariot: [ before Jesus ] Jesus! Oh, shit! CHILL, man! Chill!
Jesus: When you get to Heaven… say “Hi” to my Dad.[ Jesus cocks his shotgun and fires a huge, gaping hole in Judas ] [ cut to more footage of random violence from the hands and rifle of Jesus ]
Announcer: Critics are calling it: “A less violent Passion of the Christ.” [ A.O. Scott ]
“I never knew how much Jesus used the N-word.” [ Peter Travers ] [ title card ]
Announcer: “Djesus Uncrossed”.[ cut to Jesus cocking his rifle ]
Jesus: No more Mr. Nice Jesus!