SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: Djesus Uncrossed



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14




















12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Djesus Uncrossed

Jesus…..Christoph Waltz
Roman Soldier…..Fred Armisen
St. Peter…..Taran Killam
Pontius Pilate…..Kenan Thompson
Judas Iscariot…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on Restricted movie trailer ]

Announcer: This Summer! If you liked “Inglourious Basterds”… and “Django Unchained”…

[ reveal clips from both movies ]

Announcer: Then get ready for the ULTIMATE historical revenge fantasy…

[ reveal Jesus pushing aside the giant rock so he can exit his tomb ]

Jesus: Guess who’s back!

[ title appears ]

Announcer: “Djesus Uncrossed”.

[ cut to Romans fighting ]

Announcer: He’s risen from the dead!

Jesus: [ wielding a sword from behind his cross ] Miss Me?

Roman Soldier: Kill him!!

[ Jesus joins the fight ]

Announcer: And he’s preaching anything but forgiveness.

[ cut to more fighting scenes ]

Announcer: He may be wearing sandals… but he can STILL kick ass!

[ reveal carnage ]

Roman Soldier: Jesus H. Christ!

Announcer: The “H” is silent!

[ Jesus swings his sword and slices Roman Soldier’s head in half ]

Announcer: With Brad Pitt as St. Peter.

St. Peter: [ to recruits, over killing footage ] I need me… eleven ay-postles! We’re gonna be doing one thing, and one thing only: Kill Row-mans. The Row-man WILL be disgusted by us! The Row-man WILL talk about us! And the Row-man WILL fear us! Each of you owes me ONE-HUNDRED Row-man scalps!

Announcer: Ving Rhames as Pontius Pilate.

Pontius Pilate: Jesus! Oh, I ain’t done with him by a damn sight! I’m gonna get Old Testement on his ass!

Announcer: And Samuel L. Jackson as Judas Iscariot.

Judas Iscariot: [ before Jesus ] Jesus! Oh, shit! CHILL, man! Chill!

Jesus: When you get to Heaven… say “Hi” to my Dad.

[ Jesus cocks his shotgun and fires a huge, gaping hole in Judas ] [ cut to more footage of random violence from the hands and rifle of Jesus ]

Announcer: Critics are calling it: “A less violent Passion of the Christ.” [ A.O. Scott ]

“I never knew how much Jesus used the N-word.” [ Peter Travers ] [ title card ]

Announcer: “Djesus Uncrossed”.

[ cut to Jesus cocking his rifle ]

Jesus: No more Mr. Nice Jesus!

[ tag: “SUMMER 2013” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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