SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: Secret Admirer Letter


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Secret Admirer Letter

Jennifer…..Cecily Strong
Ben…..Kenan Thompson
Mark…..Bill Hader
Todd…..Jason Sudeikis
Jackie…..Vanessa Bayer
Dimitri…..Christoph Waltz

[ open on interior, office ]

Jennifer: [ holding letter at her desk ] What is this? Did anybody see this letter dropped on my desk?

Ben: No idea.

Mark: I don’t know.

Todd: Hey, you got me.

Jackie: No clue.

[ Dimitri the security guard enters ]

Dimitri: Perhaps it’s a… valentine from a secret admirer?

Jackie: [ piqued ] Ohhh! Read it! Ooh!

Jennifer: [ reading ] “To my sweet Jennifer doll, who I will own if in God’s plans. I take you to woods and we sleep there a hundred years…”

Dimitri: [ innocently ] Oh, that’s real sweet! Sounds like a real charmer!

Jennifer: Um…?

Jackie: Listen — I think it’s kind of creepy.

Jennifer: Listen to this: [ reading ] “I am a person who is closer than you think. I hope to grow closer by days, and… watching… waiting.”

Jackie: [ disgusted ] Okay, you know, it sounds like a threat.

Dimitri: [ nervously ] Uh… even I see that was not the best choice of words — [ quickly ] for whoever wrote it!

Jennifer: [ frightened ] “Closer than you think.” Okay, this is someone who WORKS here! Okay, NO ONE leaves until we figure out WHO this is! Dimitri! You should be questioning people, while I read this psycho’s manifesto!

Dimitri: “Manifesto” is, perhaps, a strong word…

Jennifer: [ reading ] “I want you and it makes me mad.There is something that I can’t say, but we eat dish of milk and bananas together…”? Dimitri! ASK them!

Dimitri: Uh… Mark, did you write this?

Mark: Uh, let me think — Did I write a broken English, crazy, foreign guy note? NO!!

Jennifer: [ reading ] “You are perfect, I am your mother. Ha ha ha! No.”

Dimitri: Ben, I’m looking at you on this one…

Ben: And I’m looking right back at you, buddy!

Jennifer: [ reading ] “I want to screw with you. I take a long time. We will never be apart in the woods…”?

Dimitri: Yeah, that sounds more and more like Todd!

Todd: [ chuckling to himself ] Not your finest hour, my man!

Jennifer: Oh, my God! He must be stalking you, too, Dimitri! He included this SICK picture of you! Dimitri, show this to everyone!

[ Dimitri holds up the photo and winces ]

Dimitri: Oh, no… so many mistakes…

Jennifer: Yeah! It’s really weird! He must have Photoshopped your head onto a DISGUSTING man’s body wearing a tanktop and leaning on a car!

Dimitri: Jackie, did — do you Photoshop this?

Jackie: No, Dimitri, that actually doesn’t look Photoshopped. It kind of looks like something that really happened.

Jennifer: Oh, yeah, right! So Dimitri rented a LAMBORGHINI, which would cost HUNDREDS —

Dimitri: Four hundred.

Jennifer: Just to take this photo?! I mean, that would be CRAZY!

Dimitri: [ meekly ] Y-yes… I see that now.

Jennifer: Ugh! Okay, everybody, listen to this part: [ reading ] “Do not forget to remind me I have a peanut for you.” Is this a penis? Is he talking about his penis?

Dimitri: [ defesively ] No, no… this one is not creepy at all! There, there is a country — I know — where a common joke is that you take out a ring box, and you say: “[ he opens a ring box with a peanut inside ] “I am proposing to you. No — it is just a peanut!” You see? [ he laughs buffoonishly ] It is actually quite… quite a funny, sweet joke!

Jennifer: No. No. No, Dimitri, that sucks.

Mark: Yeah, that really SUCKS, Dimitri!

Dimitri: [ stung ] Yes. I see now tht it does suck.

Jennifer: [ furious ] Someone is LYING!! Dimitri, ASK them!!

Dimitri: Yes. Mark, did you do this?!

Mark: Buddy… [ he raises his hands and shrugs ]

Dimitri: Jackie, was this your own handiwork?

Jackie: Oh, Dimitri…. [ she shakes her head ]

Dimitri: Ben, you’re awfully quiet!

Ben: [ laughing ] Come on, man!

Dimitri: Todd!

Todd: You gotta ask me the full question, Dimitri!

Dimitri: Yeah. Todd, did you reference a popular tradition from my village, in which you offer a peanut as a kind of fake proposal/traditious joke?

Todd: [ shaking his head ] NO, Dimitri!

Jennifer: Well, I guess we’ll NEVER know who sent this! But, Dinitri, I’d feel safer if you came to lunch with me.

Dimitri: Yes, I hope to close… to grow close by… that… day’s…. end…

Jennifer: Okay, let me just grab my things… [ she lifts hr purse to reveal another letter ] Wait a minute, what is this letter? [ she opens it to reveal a photo ] Oh, this is just a picture of some black guy’s penis!

Ben: [ nervously ] What?! Who did this?! Who did that?! Mark, I’m looking at YOU, my man! Jackie, was it you?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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