Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 14
Pope Benedict XVI…..Christoph Waltz
[ open on serene settings ]
Spokesman V/O: You’ve worked hard your entire life. You’ve tried to make sound financial decisions. But what will you do when you retire?[ reveal close-up of Pope Bendict ]
Announcer: What will you do… after you’re Pope?[ cut to Pope reviewing stack of bills at his kitchen table ]
Announcer: Your spiritual future might be secure… but what about your financial future?
Spokesman: Here at Papal Securities, we give popes the kind of financial advice they need to survive on a fixed income.[ Spokesman shows Pope a Retirement Investment Growth chart with different-sized papal hats ]
Spokesman V/O: Because in today’s shifting financial landscape, no one is infallible — even Popes.[ cut to the Pope carrying a bag of groceries home, as it spills all over the street. He raises his arms and prays to God for mercy. ]
Spokesman V/O: We’ll help you protect and grow the assets that you already have.[ Spokesman assesses the value of a chalice ]
Spokesman: So you can focus on what matters most: Life.[ cut to testimonial from Pope Benedict XVI ]
Pope Benedict XVI: Pa-pal Se-cur-i-ty made sure my fu-ture was… [ he smiles ] bright![ cut to empty chair, with tag: “No Other Testimonials Available” ]
Spokesman V/O: So call Papal Securities today — and make sure your retirement years… are golden.
Spokesman V/O: Papal Securities. Helping popes retire since the last time it happened — in 1415.[ cut to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Because Heaven… can wait.[ fade ]