SNL Transcripts: Christoph Waltz: 02/16/13: Papal Securities


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Papal Securities

Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Pope Benedict XVI…..Christoph Waltz

[ open on serene settings ]

Spokesman V/O: You’ve worked hard your entire life. You’ve tried to make sound financial decisions. But what will you do when you retire?

[ reveal close-up of Pope Bendict ]

Announcer: What will you do… after you’re Pope?

[ cut to Pope reviewing stack of bills at his kitchen table ]

Announcer: Your spiritual future might be secure… but what about your financial future?

[ dissolve to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Here at Papal Securities, we give popes the kind of financial advice they need to survive on a fixed income.

[ Spokesman shows Pope a Retirement Investment Growth chart with different-sized papal hats ]

Spokesman V/O: Because in today’s shifting financial landscape, no one is infallible — even Popes.

[ cut to the Pope carrying a bag of groceries home, as it spills all over the street. He raises his arms and prays to God for mercy. ]

Spokesman V/O: We’ll help you protect and grow the assets that you already have.

[ Spokesman assesses the value of a chalice ]

Spokesman: So you can focus on what matters most: Life.

[ cut to testimonial from Pope Benedict XVI ]

Pope Benedict XVI: Pa-pal Se-cur-i-ty made sure my fu-ture was… [ he smiles ] bright!

[ cut to empty chair, with tag: “No Other Testimonials Available” ]

Spokesman V/O: So call Papal Securities today — and make sure your retirement years… are golden.

[ Spokesman kisses the Pope’s ring, then wipes his mouth ] [ cut to the Pope riding a bicycle built for two with his hat on the back seat ] [ cut to the Pope serving dinner to a family ] [ cut to the Pope playing with a rock-and-roll band ]

Spokesman V/O: Papal Securities. Helping popes retire since the last time it happened — in 1415.

[ cut to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Because Heaven… can wait.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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