Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 14
12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes
Papal Securities
Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis
Pope Benedict XVI…..Christoph Waltz
[ open on serene settings ]
Spokesman V/O: You’ve worked hard your entire life. You’ve tried to make sound financial decisions. But what will you do when you retire?
[ reveal close-up of Pope Bendict ]
Announcer: What will you do… after you’re Pope?
[ cut to Pope reviewing stack of bills at his kitchen table ]
Announcer: Your spiritual future might be secure… but what about your financial future?
[ dissolve to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Here at Papal Securities, we give popes the kind of financial advice they need to survive on a fixed income.
[ Spokesman shows Pope a Retirement Investment Growth chart with different-sized papal hats ]
Spokesman V/O: Because in today’s shifting financial landscape, no one is infallible — even Popes.
[ cut to the Pope carrying a bag of groceries home, as it spills all over the street. He raises his arms and prays to God for mercy. ]
Spokesman V/O: We’ll help you protect and grow the assets that you already have.
[ Spokesman assesses the value of a chalice ]
Spokesman: So you can focus on what matters most: Life.
[ cut to testimonial from Pope Benedict XVI ]
Pope Benedict XVI: Pa-pal Se-cur-i-ty made sure my fu-ture was… [ he smiles ] bright!
[ cut to empty chair, with tag: “No Other Testimonials Available” ]
Spokesman V/O: So call Papal Securities today — and make sure your retirement years… are golden.
[ Spokesman kisses the Pope’s ring, then wipes his mouth ]
[ cut to the Pope riding a bicycle built for two with his hat on the back seat ]
[ cut to the Pope serving dinner to a family ]
[ cut to the Pope playing with a rock-and-roll band ]
Spokesman V/O: Papal Securities. Helping popes retire since the last time it happened — in 1415.
[ cut to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Because Heaven… can wait.
[ fade ]
