Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 15
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
March 2nd, 2013
Kevin Hart
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
None
Wanz
Ray Dalton
None
A Message FRom the President of the United States
Summary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) sequester
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.
Transcript
Montage
Kevin Hart’s Monologue
Summary: Kevin Hart recounts the time he tried to keep his sandwich away from a homesless man, and the time he auditioned for “SNL” by performing impressions that didn’t meet the grade.
Steve Harvey
Summary: Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) helps a man (Kevin Hart) conquer his perfectly rational fear of horses.
Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.
The Situation Room
Summary: With the announcement of Pope Benedict XVI’s (Fred Armisen) retirement, Quvenzhané Wallis (Kevin Hart) is inexplicably chosen to become the new head pontiff.
Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Pope Benedict XVI.
Starbucks Verismo
Summary: Housewife (Vanessa Bayer) duplicates the tense Starbucks experience at home by brewing up an incompetent and beligerent cup of coffee in the privacy of her own kitchen.
Note: Repeat from 12k.
Barnes & Noble Firing
Summary: When the manager (Kevin Hart) at Barnes & Noble calls a meeting to announce a theft-related termination, Niff (Bobby Moynihan) and Dana (Cecily Strong) assume they’re being accused of the crime and proceed to call out their co-workers for being a bunch of lame-asses.
Recurring Characters: Niff, Dana, Carl.
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Wanz performs “Thrift Shop”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Dennis Rodman (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Jong-Un (Bobby Moynihan) are best friends. Seth Meyers and Kevin Hart ask “Really!?!” in response to the Voting Right Acts.
Recurring Characters: Dennis Rodman.
The Walking Dead
Summary: When they’re approached by a black zombie (Kevin Hart), family tries to avoid defending themselves lest their actions be considered racist.
Shark Tank
Summary: Desperate to pay off his debts, Brian McShay (Kevin Hart) tries to convince the sharks to invest in his idea to put sunglasses on lamps.
Z Shirts
Summary: Cal (Tim Robinson) shows off his Z Shirt, but Brian (Kevin Hart) can’t grasp the concept that it’s not just an ordinary T-shirt.
Transcript
Recording Session
Summary: Patricia (Vanessa Bayer) and Dante (Kevin Hart) are the finalists in a competition to perform the voiceover on a Dove Chocolate ad.
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Ray Dalton performs “Can’t Hold Us”
Funeral
Summary: During the funeral for Cal’s (Tim Robinson) mother, Brian (Kevin Hart) finally grasps the concept behis his Z Shirt.
Transcript
360 News
Summary: News anchor (Kevin Hart) struggles to present the news from every camera angle after hurting his neck in a car accident.
Transcript
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Foam NightSummary: Dance club fuels excitement by dousing the floor full of wet foam.
Coal MinerSummary: A gossippy coal miner (Kevin Hart) talks endlessly about his fellow miners.
The GSummary: A sampling of comedy programming scheduled to air on a gay-themed network.
