SNL Transcripts: Kevin Hart: 03/02/13

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 15

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

March 2nd, 2013

Kevin Hart

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis



Ray Dalton


A Message FRom the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) sequester

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.



Kevin Hart’s MonologueSummary: Kevin Hart recounts the time he tried to keep his sandwich away from a homesless man, and the time he auditioned for “SNL” by performing impressions that didn’t meet the grade.

Steve HarveySummary: Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) helps a man (Kevin Hart) conquer his perfectly rational fear of horses.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

The Situation RoomSummary: With the announcement of Pope Benedict XVI’s (Fred Armisen) retirement, Quvenzhané Wallis (Kevin Hart) is inexplicably chosen to become the new head pontiff.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Pope Benedict XVI.

Starbucks VerismoSummary: Housewife (Vanessa Bayer) duplicates the tense Starbucks experience at home by brewing up an incompetent and beligerent cup of coffee in the privacy of her own kitchen.

Note: Repeat from 12k.

Barnes & Noble FiringSummary: When the manager (Kevin Hart) at Barnes & Noble calls a meeting to announce a theft-related termination, Niff (Bobby Moynihan) and Dana (Cecily Strong) assume they’re being accused of the crime and proceed to call out their co-workers for being a bunch of lame-asses.

Recurring Characters: Niff, Dana, Carl.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Wanz performs “Thrift Shop”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Dennis Rodman (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Jong-Un (Bobby Moynihan) are best friends. Seth Meyers and Kevin Hart ask “Really!?!” in response to the Voting Right Acts.

Recurring Characters: Dennis Rodman.

The Walking DeadSummary: When they’re approached by a black zombie (Kevin Hart), family tries to avoid defending themselves lest their actions be considered racist.

Shark TankSummary: Desperate to pay off his debts, Brian McShay (Kevin Hart) tries to convince the sharks to invest in his idea to put sunglasses on lamps.

Z ShirtsSummary: Cal (Tim Robinson) shows off his Z Shirt, but Brian (Kevin Hart) can’t grasp the concept that it’s not just an ordinary T-shirt.


Recording SessionSummary: Patricia (Vanessa Bayer) and Dante (Kevin Hart) are the finalists in a competition to perform the voiceover on a Dove Chocolate ad.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Ray Dalton performs “Can’t Hold Us”

FuneralSummary: During the funeral for Cal’s (Tim Robinson) mother, Brian (Kevin Hart) finally grasps the concept behis his Z Shirt.


360 NewsSummary: News anchor (Kevin Hart) struggles to present the news from every camera angle after hurting his neck in a car accident.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Foam NightSummary: Dance club fuels excitement by dousing the floor full of wet foam.

Coal MinerSummary: A gossippy coal miner (Kevin Hart) talks endlessly about his fellow miners.

The GSummary: A sampling of comedy programming scheduled to air on a gay-themed network.

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