SNL Transcripts: Kevin Hart: 03/02/13


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 15

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

March 2nd, 2013

Kevin Hart

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis



Ray Dalton


A Message FRom the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) sequester

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.



Kevin Hart’s MonologueSummary: Kevin Hart recounts the time he tried to keep his sandwich away from a homesless man, and the time he auditioned for “SNL” by performing impressions that didn’t meet the grade.

Steve HarveySummary: Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) helps a man (Kevin Hart) conquer his perfectly rational fear of horses.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

The Situation RoomSummary: With the announcement of Pope Benedict XVI’s (Fred Armisen) retirement, Quvenzhané Wallis (Kevin Hart) is inexplicably chosen to become the new head pontiff.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Pope Benedict XVI.

Starbucks VerismoSummary: Housewife (Vanessa Bayer) duplicates the tense Starbucks experience at home by brewing up an incompetent and beligerent cup of coffee in the privacy of her own kitchen.

Note: Repeat from 12k.

Barnes & Noble FiringSummary: When the manager (Kevin Hart) at Barnes & Noble calls a meeting to announce a theft-related termination, Niff (Bobby Moynihan) and Dana (Cecily Strong) assume they’re being accused of the crime and proceed to call out their co-workers for being a bunch of lame-asses.

Recurring Characters: Niff, Dana, Carl.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Wanz performs “Thrift Shop”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Dennis Rodman (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Jong-Un (Bobby Moynihan) are best friends. Seth Meyers and Kevin Hart ask “Really!?!” in response to the Voting Right Acts.

Recurring Characters: Dennis Rodman.

The Walking DeadSummary: When they’re approached by a black zombie (Kevin Hart), family tries to avoid defending themselves lest their actions be considered racist.

Shark TankSummary: Desperate to pay off his debts, Brian McShay (Kevin Hart) tries to convince the sharks to invest in his idea to put sunglasses on lamps.

Z ShirtsSummary: Cal (Tim Robinson) shows off his Z Shirt, but Brian (Kevin Hart) can’t grasp the concept that it’s not just an ordinary T-shirt.


Recording SessionSummary: Patricia (Vanessa Bayer) and Dante (Kevin Hart) are the finalists in a competition to perform the voiceover on a Dove Chocolate ad.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Ray Dalton performs “Can’t Hold Us”

FuneralSummary: During the funeral for Cal’s (Tim Robinson) mother, Brian (Kevin Hart) finally grasps the concept behis his Z Shirt.


360 NewsSummary: News anchor (Kevin Hart) struggles to present the news from every camera angle after hurting his neck in a car accident.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Foam NightSummary: Dance club fuels excitement by dousing the floor full of wet foam.

Coal MinerSummary: A gossippy coal miner (Kevin Hart) talks endlessly about his fellow miners.

The GSummary: A sampling of comedy programming scheduled to air on a gay-themed network.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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